Category Archives: infertility

Dropping the ball

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So the every day posting thing isn’t working out so well for me. Big surprise! There is only so much time in the day and even fewer topics to muse about. Let’s see. Lately I’ve been thinking about the autism rate. A lot. 1 in 55 boys? I’ve been reading a lot about bromide in flour, the neurotoxins in pesticides and their role in killing the honey bees in vast numbers and more. I’m on a health kick in anticipation of a dual transfer and am scared to death of what I put in my mouth. I’m also wondering if my missing period has anything to do with my diet. Eating in the UK was not only easier but healthier. Their labeling systems are pretty incredible and I love the fact that villagers burn down GMO crops when introduced. Can you imagine that kind of thing happening here? Take the time to read the packaging..for example smart balance…the stuff lasts for a year..that simply is not food. Food does not last a year. I tried to explain that to my son when he got out the “butter” to put on the peanut butter and jelly sandwich (remember that sandwiches always have a layer of butter then mayo or whatever when you are in the UK so…I had to disabuse him of that idea).

I am glad that people are becoming aware of the food they put in their mouth. At my preschool parents think nothing of packing lunchables and m&ms for their kids which always boggles my mind.

I’ll try to be more creative as I make this an active blog – until I hear back from CCRM, I am in a state of perpetual worry. Afraid to ask and afraid not to ask (because the plan is not formed). If I get rejection, there is no firm plan B (very unlike me). Guess I’m becoming a little superstitious.

Ugh.

Third day in a row!

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I’m still giddy…the period continues. You know what that means? My lining isn’t as thin. Amazing! I used to get a small period but this is like the old days. Maybe I can carry one after all. Still not sure how it regulated after a 2year hiatus?!

Enough about that nastiness…phew. I’ll be reaching out to CCRM on Monday am. regarding our surrogate and the final verdict..I have a feeling I’ll get my way. I hope so! Why Monday? I can’t cope with negative news over a weekend if it comes to that!

Tomorrow I promise to be ultra exciting. For now I am jet lagged, exhausted and ready for my own bed.

Wow

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This every day posting isn’t so bad..I have news! After two years with no sign of my period (I thought I was in menopause) I got a period. I have never been so shocked in my life. I thought it was all over (red rover). So perhaps there is hope for a FET? I’m wondering why now?! How in the heck?

No, I’m not pregnant…it just came!

I waited all my adolescence to get one and then found them intensely painful. After they stopped out of the blue it worried me. I have to confess that I felt sad, somehow less womanly (ridiculous,I know). It seemed so final and now this.

Yes, you just received an update about someone in the works who is delighted to have their period. Odd indeed..

Until tomorrow’s excitement!!!!

Updating – a bit of a rambling post (apologies!)

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No updates.  I just wrote the most depressing blog a few minutes ago which took me ages….and erased it.  This one isn’t much better so be warned.  I’m in a mood – it will lift.  Indulge me?  It was not only long but self pitying and quite frankly, if I sent it out I’d have to shut the whole thing down.  So here you get – pity festival (the light version!).  I’m moaning (as my British husband would say) about the fact that I just have spent 2 weeks in the British rain sunshine with my husband and adorable 5 year old (with a brief stop in Paris) all paid for by my very generous in-laws…yes, moaning (complaining, pitifully pensive inward ramblings).  Here I am watching my son play with his cousins (who he absolutely adores) and I have had to steal out for moments to cry.  It is ridiculous.  I just keep feeling so sad that he doesn’t have a sibling and have been internally beating myself up about it.  I can’t explain to my husband (he doesn’t really get it) – he is very matter of fact, it either works or it doesn’t’.  I think he compared it to something so trivial that I had to stop myself from slapping him.  Right in the middle of it I had this urge to talk to someone and thought…I really need to speak to John.  But forgot, John died.  Ever have a friend you can tell anything to and they listen, care and actually can be relatively unbiased (or at least say what you need to hear?).  Anyway, I have this forum right here.  Somehow I think you’ll understand..

I’m also feeling a bit blue about the fact that my son is about to go to kindergarten and leave the school that I (for all intents and purposes) created for him.  Well, it wasn’t really just for him…my life goal had been to open my own school.  The timing was right when I could not find what I wanted to send him. The school I created has proven to be pure passion for me and my fertility life raft (for lack of a better word!).  I love every minute of it (well, the kids at least – some personnel issues NOT SO MUCH).  The kids make everything worth it –  I feel like I get to borrow the most delicious and wonderful children for four to 8 hours a day which really and truly makes me happy.  I also find myself getting attached and then they graduate…gone, poof.  I can’t describe how that feels – pride mixed with deep sadness….  I’m digging a pity hole so I’ll stop.  Suffice it to say that my dream job/work is something I take very seriously.  It not only fills a void but makes me want to learn more every day so that I can give more to them.  Hard to explain really.  More on that later….a lot more.

There are no updates from CCRM and I didn’t go asking for any because I didn’t want to ruin my holiday if they said no to my proposed surrogate.  I’m going to call the week after I return and press them.  I am hoping they will let me do a dual transfer and that will be that but if they say no…then I’m in a jam.  If I didn’t have so many things coming at me at once (explanation later) I could create a roadmap for the future but I can’t.  Not in the next two weeks.  

Husband says we should transfer one to me and the other to our chosen surrogate.  (Hello, darling angel surrogate – I know you read my blog and have been meaning to email you).  So we will have updates soon.  Until then, I’ll be posting every day.  Why?  I’d like to be a part of blogher and to do so, you have to write every day for a certain amount of time.  I am committed to this blog but I’ve wondered who my audience is.  Curious friends?  Nosy family?  Hopeful fellow IFers who would love a 44 year old recurrent miscarriager (yeah, I know that isn’t a word) succeed?  I certainly would like to write about education, organic food, meditation, travel, gardening….love, loss, self realization.  So many things interest me but I am aware that I have  an audience that is largely IF.  Let’s face it, most of you come from other blogs that list me as one to watch and you want to know if CCRM is going to work for you.  All I can say is, I’ll do my best to mix it up and be at least funny sometimes.  

OK…pity part is over now. 

If you ever want a wonderful, peaceful get away from everything and see the real England (not Piccadilly circus) – head to Glynn Barton Cottages in Cornwall.  Simply lovely.  Animals, indoor pool (for those English summers that can turn to 40  degrees in the blink of an eye).  Wake up, get your own eggs from the chickens, fry them up, have a rest, go for a hike, head to the beach, drink cider and ale at the local pub.  It was beautiful.  Shameless plug for a gorgeous place.

Being here during the Queen’s Jubilee has been quite wonderful as well.  I watched the whole thing twice – along with the horrible BBC commentary and head scratching choice of performers for the concert. WARNING RANT APPROACHING – IF YOU DIDN”T WATCH THE CONCERT AND DON”T REALLY CARE ABOUT THE CHOICE OF PERFORMERS SKIP FORWARD A PARAGRAPH  My husband and I had a huge argument about the choice of Paul McCartney playing “Life and Let Die”.  I mean really…!  Live and Let Die.  Old Paul is a notorious penny pincher.  I had a friend who almost signed to his publishing house as a songwriter and he was known to charge back the price of the stamp on which the royalty check comes in.  Paul chose the songs he sang to maximize his publishing revenue, no doubt.  With so many beautiful songs, why that one? Husband says it is a classic anthem that all Brits will love and know but the message just made me think twice.  What was the other?  Taxman?  What?  If I was Queen I’d be thinking of my dead mother and sister during Live and Let Die and then feeling quite uncomfortable during the Taxman.  Squirmy even.  And Robbie Williams grabbing his crotch…really?  REALLY?  Cutting off the poor guy who sang Two Little Boys was just wrong.  Cheryl Cole was ghastly (whoever she is) and Will.i.am (whatever)…no comment. Grace Jones?  Come on….  Adele?  No Adele?  Then Gary Barlow gets an MBE for organizing the event?  Sorry, the songwriter in me just couldn’t’ stomach all of that.  Where was Duran Duran, Spice Girls?  I did love Madness.

What else can I complain about?  The weather?  OH YES!  We had a fantastic day at the Tower of London with a “who cares about this crap” five year old who kept yelling “I”M NOT FOUR” as his father tried to get him in for events for free (FREE UNDER FOUR).  Now we have taught him how to lie!  Nice one, dad.  His father almost got himself beheaded after he asked a Beefeater a rude question (I had to laugh outwardly at that).  We saw the cannon go off for Prince Philip’s birthday and it was a real sight – full on pomp.  I secretly think that he was there in a white van.  Husband says NO WAY but the black cab driver I used today thought I was right.  It was far too over the top for no royalty to be there.  He told me that they often get about London without anyone knowing.  Made sense to me.  He then went on to tell me all the celebrities he has ever had in his cab – Princess of Kent is lovely, Janice Dickinson (is that her name) is a nutter.  His words, not mine.  Love my rides with a talkative  London cab driver.

Question:  if a former IF who is now “resolved” (two kids one of each gender, one failed IVF, 2nd one worked and natural pregnancy at 40  – someone who knows your full history said:

Me:  Goodness, I love this little girl’s outfit

Her:  You should have a girl then. (big smile)

Me:  Oh yes, you are absolutely right (as I internally fumed at myself for not having a snappy response prepared!!!).

Until tomorrow, my friends.  

Oh and anyone reading Fifty Shades of Grey?  Um, that was some really bad writing but….I finished the whole thing.  The only woman in America who flipped fast through the naughty bits.  It just got to be too much (or I am a prude?  which??)

More waiting….

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UGH. I hate talking to him on the phone. I get all nervous like I’m talking to a first boyfriend for the first time or…like I have my entire family’s future in someone else’s hands. He was in a good mood. I had written him a note about the surrogate and my reasons for not understanding why she would not be a candidate. He is planning to take my note to a meeting with the other doctors to discuss the matter as a group. He didn’t give me much hope but I told him that this is my only option. I also reiterated that I do not think a singleton in her body would be a problem. I discussed my own issues maintaining a pregnancy and of course opened up another can of worms – he won’t transfer two to me (if it gets to that which I sincerely hope it does not). The bottom line for me is that I do not want to be 50 and still making babies. He laughed and told me that I wouldn’t….but if I can’t have a surrogate then who is going to give birth to them? Me.

So he is going to let them read my letter – which was pretty good. I’d post it but don’t want to reveal too much about her so we’ll leave it at that. Back to waiting.

I did reiterate that she is my only option. Hopefully that will get him to reconsider? I hope so.

Happy Tuesday!

Now I am mad. And more…

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So it doesn’t take much to get me going these days…but the nasty review on Carolyn Savage’s book (check out amazon or under her book) – it is the most recent review with 3 stars and is an UGLY attack on a good woman. I am just seeing red about it. She is a friend, as I’ve mentioned, and does not deserve such crap. Anyway, check out her book. It tells a poignant story and if any human being deserved to have the family that she wants it is her and her husband Sean. Why don’t people get it?

Back to my ranting. I have seen so many autistic kids lately. I’ve recently admitted two on the spectrum to my school (both high functioning but need help socializing). The parents are so desperate to help their kids. So I’m reading everything about it and of course potential food issues behind it. Let me diverge a bit and talk about the food we are eating. It is on my mind and should be on yours too. I’m halfway convinced that my consumption of dairy/gluten is to blame for a lot of things and going to give the paleo diet a try. I’m not a huge fan of fads but I am all for sustainable, organic, healthy options for me and for my family. If you are trying to get pregnant – cut out all fish (to be safe) and limit your carbs. One in 55 boys are now affected. That screams environmental exposure in my opinion. We can start by demanding that the food we eat carry labels on it – no mystery names for carcinogens. I’ll post more as I see fit but this is still very much a blog about CCRM, MICROARRAY, CGH and seeing if a 44 year old can kick odds to the curb blog. But there has to be a what if in all events? It could be a food blog? A conspiracy theory blog? But not a baby blog. I’ll always be infertile even if my family is complete (which, by the way, is up to the family – sending love to the Savages for being rockstar parents).

Check this out: (EDITED TO REMOVE THE WORD MOM – you don’t have to be a MOM to care about our food and…every woman who wants to be a mother is a childless MOM – I digress).

PEOPLE have a right to know what they feed their families.

Take action today

Ask a PERSON in your life to contact the FDA and help us reach 1.2 million supporters NOW!

EDITED TO ADD – SORRY I LET THE M DAY and MOM thing get past me – won’t happen again.

Dear Suzanne,

My youngest daughter’s face began to swell shut at breakfast one day – and I had no idea why. We were only eating waffles, scrambled eggs, and tubes of blue yogurt…so what was happening to her?

Before my daughter had a violent allergic reaction that morning, I honestly hadn’t given a lot of thought to what I fed my kids. I mean, if it was on grocery store shelves, it was all the same, right?

But since then, like so many PEOPLE, I learned that there are all kinds of new ingredients in our foods that weren’t in what we ate as kids. That’s why we need labels.

More than one million people like you have already contacted the FDA in support of labeling genetically engineered foods – and now we’re so close to a new milestone. Help ratchet up the pressure on the FDA by getting us to 1.2 million supporters by Mother’s Day.

Forward this short video loaded with data to some of the moms in your life. Urge them to sign Just Label It’s petition to the FDA before May 13.

Why moms? WHY NOT ALL PEOPLE TOO??? – S – Because what we want is simple: information to keep our kids healthy. YES BUT SO DOES EVERYONE!! That’s why so many of us pay attention to labels, and why I shared my story in this video filmed by the writer and director of Food, Inc. We have a right to know what we are feeding our kids, like moms in other countries already have. It’s a simple Mother’s Day request to the FDA: mandate labels for GMOs.

And the time is now. All kinds of changes are happening to our food supply: from meat fillers that we didn’t know were in there to a salmon that has been genetically engineered to produce growth hormones year-round that cause the fish to grow at twice its natural rate. We need more people to contact the FDA to demand the right to know what we are eating.

If more of us speak out this month, we’ll show the FDA that moms and others across America want to know how their food is produced. Please, watch this video, and then share it with at least one mom today.

Thank you for taking the time to do this. Together, we can affect remarkable change.

Robyn O’Brien
AllergyKids Foundation

We’re building a movement of concerned citizens – parents, health care workers, small business owners, farmers, and more – who care about what’s in the food we eat.

In October 2011, the Just Label It campaign was formed when the Center for Food Safety filed a petition with the Food & Drug Administration (FDA) to require the labeling of all foods produced using genetic engineering. Days later, we asked citizens from around the country to join us and tell the FDA to “Just Label It.” More than 1.1 million Americans have contacted to the FDA urging them to label genetically engineered foods. Ask others to sign on at http://www.JustLabelIt.org/takeaction.

Like us on Facebook | Follow us on Twitter | Learn more at http://www.JustLabelIt.org

Well!

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A post with nothing to say except I have an appoint on the phone with Dr. Schoolcraft.  I didn’t even call him a wizard or a genius.  He is just a guy who right now is playing God with my embryos.  I mean, he would let me put both of these embryos back in and miscarry (likely as I struggled with one) but I can’t transfer one to a proven surrogate and one to me?  At roughly the same time?  Well, I’ve heard he proposed that exact scenario to another blogger who I watch and thanks to my last post, I can use it as ammunition…of course without naming names.  I mean – HE WON”T LET ME BUT OBVIOUSLY HAS OFFERED TO THIS EXACT SCENARIO BEFORE!  Rules were made to be broken.

I’m freakin broken every which way about this.  My birthday was a few weeks ago.  Great.  Now I’m 44. Can you imagine?  I am trying to have kids still and some of the people I went to high school are having grandkids.  I just have to block that out of my head.  I have 4 grandparents – 3 died at 90 and one is still kicking at 99.  My maternal grandmother.  A couple of wrinkles.  I kid you the hell not.  My mother? Same thing.  No wrinkles and she is close to 80.  She is walking around like she is 50.  I’m the one who takes 10 minutes to get out of bed.  wah wah wah.  Yeah, I know.

Well, I have a 5 year old who says that I am super cool and that he loves me more than infinity and,well, he seems to be certain that he will have a brother and a sister.  So we will throw the dice in the air and see what happens.  If he tells me no, I have to have a plan.  Where to move them?  

And I’m going on a gluten free diet – not to be all trendy but I’m not unconvinced that the additives in bread and the whole food chain in our country is screwed up.  I was talking to a lovely family with a child on the spectrum (high functioning) and they have no idea.  They do know one thing – when they take their child back to Turkey (the mother is from Turkey) he improves.  I can’t help but think it is diet related.  We are feeding cows corn.  They don’t eat corn in nature.  We are screwing our bodies up, their bodies.  I mean, why not just start eating couch cushion like that woman on television.  I watched that yesterday and it sent my mind realing.  She actually eats her couch…and her bra padding.  I sorta want to try it.  Don’t laugh – I want to understand what is so tasty about couch cushion (and now she is putting the couch cushion in dirt and then spreading pink hand lotion over it and eating it).  Heavens above.  

Then there was the guy who has two real life dolls – the ones you have errrr relations with?  OH BOY.  OH BOY OH BOY.

So I’ve been amusing myself while I wait for the next hurdle in one of many.  Please let this be.  I need to complete my family so I can be funny again.  I used to make jokes – not have to try pieces of couch cushion to get my kicks.  I used to write songs and now I wistfully watch as my friends get major cuts on records and love it and I miss it.  I just want to be me again – not infertile, habitual aborter of embryos.  It sucks but if you are here then chances are that you not only know that, but you live it.  Or you are one of my friends or family who want to know where we are in the process. 

The answer is that we are no where but moving quickly somewhere.  I hope it is colorado but if not then…..suggestions anyone?

Thank you to all who commented and gave me advice.  I love the support and I love giving it back.  If you need me, if you know someone who cannot afford IVF at all and needs meds – email me on that too. I have some gonal F that I want to donate.  Don’t think I’m going to be using it.

 

 

What do I say?

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And wouldn’t you just know it…CCRM has turned down my surrogate. The reasons were ridiculous (seriously). She has been a surrogate for one couple (one singleton and twins) as well as having given birth to her own children – five pregnancies total. This will be her last one. The twins (last year) were born close to 32 weeks. Her cervix was high, nothing wrong, her water just broke. The babies were in the NICU for like a week and half. Her first was a singleton – born on time or maybe a little late? They didn’t remove all of the placenta (the doctor) and so she had a bleed at 10 weeks after which required some blood. Those were the reasons that CCRM turned her down. Well guess the F what? She is my only option. For so many reasons. It has taken me A LOT to come to this conclusion. I struggled with it like you cannot believe and then just let my heart follow – and it led me to her. She has been an FB friend for awhile now. Friend of a fellow IFer. It is such a small world and seems like everyone knows someone who knows someone. Heck, one of my best IF buddiies is Carolyn Savage (if you haven’t read Inconceivable, it is a great book) – we are all in this together somehow.

So this latest news has been a real kick in my ass. I’m of course fighting it. I told the nurse who works on the surrogacy side of things that I wanted to do a dual transfer. One to me and one to her and she told me “he would never allow that”…I asked, “why”..he said, “well how can you be in both places, how will you take care of one child and go to get the other child”. Hmm…I have a car, a husband and I own a darned preschool – if you don’t think I have child care resources, you are nutty! So this is the thing – they are completely willing to let them transfer 2 to me knowing full well that I will likely miscarry one if not both but they won’t consider letting me transfer one to her and one to me – making it easier for both of us to carry one. Nope. They won’t do it.

So I am going to have one more conversation with Dr. Schoolcraft and then plan to haul my little behind out to Colorado and grab those embryos and bring them back to ATL where they will let me do what I damned well want to. I mean, come on.

Why is everything such a saga? and so we continue….flustered, annoyed and yet still determined.

L arginine

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Edited to add that I just read through some comments and saw that someone asked me to talk more about L Arginine. Well, I did simply because I saw that there was a search term and wanted to warn anyone about potential problems. That was just ME. It might help you out but I know that if you have lining issues there are studies that show tamoxifen can help and so can viagra. I’ll look for that information for anyone it can help and post later..

_____________________

So, as anyone who has read this blog knows, I have two healthy embryos in storage. I know their sexes (I can’t say how but I do – sex of a child means nothing, believe me – I’d be equally thrilled with a boy or a girl….but I do know that I have one of each on ice. It was a slip of the tongue, so to speak but I caught it). Enough of that. After my last lining got to around a 7 and change, I cancelled myself and flew home. I would not proceed without an 8 or even a 9 even if it was triple stripe. Always ask about your lining (exact measurements) and do not transfer if you aren’t at an 8. I know plenty of people get pregnant with thinner linings (like me – but it ended in sad news – for me that is -a normal female). Back to l arginine. I started taking it for a number of months. About three months ago I started having awful pains. Terrible pains. I had an upper GI and a colonoscopy and nothing. Then an ultrasound showed inflammation in my pancreas. I was scared out of my mind. I had a CAT scan and they found nothing. I stopped the L Arginine and Vitamin E….and the pain went away. I read quite a bit and it seems that l arginine can cause pancreatic inflammation. So I wanted to throw that out there as another thing to be aware. I’d do anything to be able to carry but not if it is going to further mess with my chances at surviving to mother my existing child and hopefully his sibling or siblings. I think I’ll blog more. I don’t really talk much about what is going on with our quest for a sibling. My husband and I don’t even really talk about it. I think we both feel backed into the corner with one last hope. If that fails, I don’t know what I will do. I seriously don’t and that is the worst thing of all. I’ve always had a plan. I just can’t emphasize enough – if you want to have a child, go to a great doctor. Don’t mess around with a smaller clinic with horrible stats. Go where they are having success. If I had gone to CCRM in 2008, I would not be writing this blog still. Or I would not be writing about the empty crib in our nursery. I’d be done. But I tooled around with local REs and here we are….live and learn. I could have gone to college, became an MD, bought all of the equipment to conduct my own invitro by now with the money we’ve spent (not to mention the money we are going to spend). I can’t even thing about it….thank God for credit unions.