……a memory

My friend John

Written September 9, 2011 at 5:06pm

I could sit here and cry.  Wipe away tears and then start to cry, repeat, repeat.  But instead I’d like to honor one of my best friends.  We met in 9th grade.  He had a devilish streak and so did I.  He had the audacity to steal his father’s yellow car and I encouraged him and often rode shot gun.  We used to find six packs of random beers or wine coolers and drink them in the woods.  We made fun of our English teacher.  He and our friend Jennifer, used to call me out of class and ask that i come to the principal’s office.  Mr. O’Brien always bought it.

Then we graduated.  He went away to school and so did I but we both found our way back to our hometown.  His father’s death took a toll on him.  My indecision led me to Washington DC to study something random that got me a job waiting tables.  I forced him to move to Washington.  He confessed that he was gay.  I rolled my eyes and told him that I knew that a long time ago.  I dragged him to his first gay bar and we lived together like Oscar and Felix for a year.  He moved out one day. No notice.  He broke my heart.  We didn’t talk for awhile.  I moved to NYC.  I got word that he had moved there and reached out.  The years that we hadn’t spoken were like minutes  and soon we were back to old tricks only older and wiser.  He hosted elaborate dinner parties with china, steuben and lots of gossip.  I hosted dinner parties where everyone agreed to order in.  He and his long time partner Tom came to my wedding and were the talk of the town – I had to explain to the girls that they were not for sale.  When I threw my bouquet of wishes, John caught one of the flowers.  It was a perfect day and his presence and that of his sister, my dear friend Amy made my day even more special.  We were back together – oh how I had missed my friends.  In 2006 (Feb to be exact), we bought a house outside of NYC on ten acres of land.  A small log cabin that would later grow.  John was the first tenant and my co-decorator.  We spent weekend after weekend together.  It was during this time that I suffered many miscarriages and he was my rock.  Although he didn’t care to hear about the particulars of my female parts, he did listen and he cared.  One Saturday I had planned a big get together with all of our hometown friends. Unfortunately the date coincided with the transfer of four embryos into my uterus.  I joined the team up at the house and was treated like a baby.  “No walking up the stairs” – Tom and John’s orders.  “Leave mama alone” – nobody was allowed to stress me out, look at me the wrong way.  They took care of me….that weekend I did get pregnant and it was touch and go for a while.  My husband was traveling a lot – Middle East, etc. but I always had Johnny as my weekend log cabin companion.  When I went into labor at 31 weeks, it was John and Tom who sat with me in the hospital….my husband could’t take the boredom and headed to a bar.  When I gave birth, Tom and John were one of the first to hold our son.  My wee one…..he fit perfectly in their hands and a very memorable photo was taken of him resting in his palm.  Over the next 9 months, they were frequent guests at our house.  You would often find one of them asleep with my little one on their chest.  They called themselves his “fairy godfathers”.  They were greeted with screams of delight whenever my little boy saw them after any absence – even a week.

Lately John has been sick and I started a company so we’ve been trading phone tag rather than gossip.  I’ve been counting down the days until I could resume our life in NYC replete with long soaks in the hot tub at midnight, dinner parties at each others houses and more babies for the fairy godfathers.

There is more but for now, I have to do something other than cry and worry.  I have to tell you about my friend who I love and would find hard to live without….please send him strength.  I no longer believe in God – well, not the God that most people believe in.  Don’t fault me for it, I have my own beliefs.

I do know that John is one of the kindest, most humble and fun people I’ve ever known.  26 years is a long time to love someone.  I’ll keep doing it for the rest of my time – please let it be with him rather than without him.  That is all I want.

John died three days later  –  just as I was circling the airport, about to land and rush to his bedside – he went to the light. He was in his early forties.

Never forget what you have.  It can all go in an instant. Cliche but never were words more true.  I mss him each and every day and am grateful I had that kind of friendship once…

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2013 is going to be the year….we are in waiting mode

My posting has been erratic at best, I apologize.  There is only so much you can say about having nothing to say….but now I do.  I’m gearing up for a transfer and I need help.  Your help.  YOURS?  Yes, yours.  I am at my wits end about how many to transfer.  I’m terrified of two things – getting pregnant with twins and not getting pregnant at all.  My history with Alex included preterm labor but I had a lot of stress around the time it all went down (husband lost job).  I now have FIVE GAZILLION amounts more stress (own a preschool – hello!?!).  I literally have children that I look after and over all day long and I fret.  I am a little “type A” as my husband says.  Ya think?  These kids are someone’s entire life and you better believe that a boo boo or bite or whatever happens in the course of the day is something I’m involved with – I also love being around them which isn’t great since I’m CMV negative (that is for another day).  But I’m going to be 45 and with two CGH normals – one 5AB and the other 4BB – I have a good chance of both implanting.  I think my son was a lower quality embryo and developed slower but the 5AB is a great shot and it is a girl and the 4BB a boy.  I also worry that if one works then how can I go back for the other?  I’ll be 50  by the time my body recovers and I just can’t do that – already 45 feels a bit old to be doing this.  Anyway, I am going to do it.  My DH and I have been having stress arguments. It is normal, I know but not helpful.  He seems to think I should just put them both back in but doesn’t understand that means I will be laying around for 9 months (not running a preschool).  Oi vey.

So how many?  My gut says do an ESET with the higher quality first (the girl) and then if life is so kind as to give us the means to afford a surrogate, we go for the 4BB a year after she is born.  That feels weird and freaky to say so let’s just hope I didn’t jinx myself.  

I’ve always thought I’d have three kids and well, who knows.  I just hope it works.  Something about finally doing it is making me a little unhinged.  It feels so final and what if it does not work?  I have no plan B.

So what do you think, internets?  Should I transfer both?  I did carry to full term even if I was 4cm dilated for about 5 months.  

I am also concerned that the CGH process is going to hurt them – and I’m concerned about my age – although my OBGYN told met hat if I get pregnant it is the same odd as a younger person because a muscle is a muscle and mine has proven to work once.  Whatever the heck that meant, to be honest.  Muscles fail too, you old goat.  MUST.ONLY.SEE.A.WOMAN.GYNO.

Oh and I recently had a huge scare with a lump – that was handled poorly and made me nearly jump off the bridge.  Thankfully it is all normal – so far.  

Lastly, I have an UP band which is an annoying little wrist bandt hat tells you how much sleep, what you are eating and how deep you sleep, etc.  It basically is ruling my world right now. I’ve lost a few pounds since its arrival on Christmas so I guess I like it.  Actually, for what it is going to help me do (have a baby, I hope) it is a fantastic thing and great motivation.  It even buzzes me if I don’t do anything for over 10 minutes.  I guess that is the definition of lazy – not moving your hand for 10 minutes.  Right.

Over to you – help!!!!  I’m looking at a mid March transfer if I can get grumpy husband to agree to all the malarky involved (the trip out, the blood and the cost).  It has to be done and hell, I’m doing all the work.  Decisions.

Happy New Year, Readers.  I promise to be a little more interesting in 2013.  This has been a weird year.  Next year I’m going to rock and roll and i hope you do to (whatever that means to you).  Now off to make an appt in my calendar to schedule an appt with Schoolcraft.  That might take a minute or two (or a week or two).  Onward and upward!