It has begun.

I don’t like new years resolutions for a variety of dumb reasons but this year I think I am doing it. Sorta. It started about two weeks ago. I cut out coffee (well, went from 10 to 2 a day). 10 cups of coffee a day (no joke) and I was wondering why I had high BP. As high as 145/95 which is very high for me. I went to a new doctor recently – friend of a friend. I can never get in to see my oh so amazing doctor in ATL so I figured, why not. Why not! The guy was great. He went over my history and told me that he agrees completely that I should be on IVIG during pregnancy and my failure to be on it for the last miscarriage was probably why I lost a genetically normal female. Ugh. She would be 2.5 years old. I try so hard not to think about that. That was a tough one. In fact, it is probably something I have yet to deal with – it comes out in little bits. Like when the doctor says to me, how many miscarriages and I mumble “um…like 6 or 7 or 8…I’m sorry” and then the tears start and I feel stupid. Like right now…few more tears. They are always right there at the surface. Should I sit my ass in a doctor’s chair and talk about it for 190 dollars a month…the answers is damn well no. Enough of that. I’ll get my bucket of tears owed to that little girl in soon. Maybe I’ll make a weekend for her – just to get it out because, I would have been fine had the karyotype been “trisomy male” blah blah but not “normal girl”. At 8 weeks he didn’t just get my tissue – it was true.

So back to the resolutions malarky. I started with the coffee and now I’m taking prenatals on time and eating with them! Duh. I’m bumping up the folic acid. I don’t drink too much but I take anti anxiety meds. I’ve halved my dosage (that is also a big thing for me as I tend to be over anxious, imagine that). Drinking will cease from 2x per week to about none. I’ve started my daily baby aspirin, am drinking lots of water and going to about five more doctors – pap smear, mammo (all required by Schoolcraft to do an embryo transfer) and then the doctor to give me IVIG who my doctor made a referral and “recommended” that he do whatever I want. Hoping insurance will take it or it is 3K a pop and I need at least 3 of them if not 4.

Wow, exciting post!

The doctor did tell me that it was pretty clear that I have an autoimmune disorder but that it was also a good thing because I’ll probably never get cancer. Oh doctor, don’t worry, my body has ways of surprising!

So that is it. Countdown begins. I’ve started thinking about what will happen if it doesn’t work and the idea is grim but I’ll survive but I won’t give up. I won’t have a lot of options at that point but I’ll find a way.

So there it is – my new years resolution. To get healthy enough to have a baby in 2 months.

Off to sign up two new students – TWO! And I signed up three more for May. So we are growing and I can’t be more happy about it. My teachers are happy, I’m finally happy with where we are headed and what we are doing. I no longer feel alone in the process but like a team is behind me – a team of really great teachers who promise me not to give me any stress during the month of March and onward (ha).

I’ll tick “a whole lot of nothing” as a category for this post. Certainly it was nothing like my post for http://www.waitinginsunshine.typepad.com. THAT was a post.

Happy New Year friends. I can’t believe I have loyal readers after I basically post ever once in 6 months.

And lastly, may babiesornot.blogspot.com be healthy in the New Year. I have some amazing cyber friends.

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Happy New Year!

Things have been a little crazy – I’ve been cleaning my house like a whirling dervish for some reason. I have no idea how I am doing it as I’ve been mostly lying in bed with a herniated disk….on steroids and that seems to be doing the trick.

I have an appointment at CCRM in Denver on the 15th. C and I are going out there (he will already be on a business trip so the timing is perfect). I was supposed to go for my Pre-Op check up today with current RE but….they will only be measuring my HCG level to see if it has gone down. I think I’ll wait a few days.

I just wanted to check in and say hello and tell you all that I am doing very well – I’ve put the pain and disappointment of last year behind me and hope 2009 will be different. My friend is expecting a baby any day now….one of our mutual friends asked me if this is hard for me in light of my recent loss and I have to say…not at all. Well, sorta. My friend conceived at the age of 40 on her very first try (about a month before her wedding – I’m sure in large part because I nagged her to go off the pill asap….knowing how hard a time most of us have over age 40). About two weeks after she found out that she was pregnant, I found out that I was pregnant too. We all know how that ended (IVF #4) so I am sad for only one reason – I was very much looking forward to having babies the same age. I promised myself long ago that I would never allow this process to change me – I’m delighted by babies being born – even to the Duggars! I will not allow myself to covet or become jealous or bitter or angry. Believe me, it is hard but this process does enough to you – I certainly don’t want to become someone I don’t recognize in the mirror.

So today I am cleaning baby sheets and a moses basket to send to her and it literally lifts my spirits!

For now – Happy New Year and I intend to report back with good news very shortly.