What am I doing?

Somehow…(not sure how) I am now in line for an estrogen priming protocol (which is so complicated…involving 5 different drugs and so many injections – some 12 hours apart) for an IUI!! Not even an IVF (though he does plan to turn it into one if I stimulate really well) First let me say that the drugs alone will cost us like 4 grand (or more, who knows) and it is going to be potentially an experiment. Sure I get around 8-10 follicles with low dose stims (of differing sizes so we are only really talking about 4-5 viable ones)…but I just don’t know. I want to see how my body responds and I’d like to get pregnant without shelling out the 20K that IVF is going to cost me at CCRM but I want to be realistic.

I’m pushing 41. 90% of my eggs if not 100% are probably not good. My history suggests this. Why not go to DE? Why don’t I just do it?

I just haven’t given up the hope of having another child who is genetically related to me. It sounds so damned selfish and immature to me – what I want is a baby! I don’t care how I get one – I don’t REALLY care about having the same genes. As my OB said to me, anything that calls you mama is your child and I could not agree more. I am, however, getting ready to call it quits….. I know that because I feel weary when thinking about my upcoming cycle rather than excited and hopeful. 2 weeks of stims ( worry: how many are developing??), retrieval (worry: what fertilized), 3 day embryo report (anything look good) 2WW wait (worry: anything implant) and then another 6-8 weeks of holding my breath and worrying continually that it might die. To say I am not looking forward to it is an understatement.

Anyway – that is where I am at.

I was overjoyed – er even starstruck when one of my favorite bloggers wrote me an email recently. Amy at babiesornot.blogspot.com was my portal into the world of infertility – the very first blog I ever read when considering IVF. She isn’t an IVFer but rather a really interesting, creative person who has blossomed in the face of life’s difficulties. I strive to be like her, learn from her – I just LIKE her. And I wouldn’t have my son if she didn’t introduce me via her blog to all these amazing women who have shared their stories with complete strangers like me. Another reason for starting this blog – here is to Amy! Without her there would be no little boy named Alex…of that I am sure. She and a few hundred strangers over at ivfconnections.com – who keep me sane and continually show me what true resilience and humor are all about.

Now…I need to call my RE and make sense of this new protocol. I might have to tell him to revise it – I’d like to do what worked last time (and hope for a different outcome this time, of course).

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Meeting with my RE

So today was my first post-op meeting with my doctor. I had a beta HCG level taken first…and then the chat.

So the bad news is that for the first time in his dealings with the lab that tests embryos post D&C they were unable to get a result. I’ll never know if it was a boy or a girl nor will I know the reason it stopped growing. I was a bit sad about this – but in a way it is probably better for me that I don’t have that information. It would only make me sad. We’ll just have to assume it was abnormal.

I came clean with him that I was thinking about going to CCRM and that I had concerns about the quality of his lab. I think we left it that I would do another IUI cycle and change my med protocol. I’m not sure how I feel about this – it seemed like a great idea and I really like my doctor but I think I’ll go to CCRM.

I told the doctor that it felt like I had ovulated yesterday – he told me that was not really possible but that we would know what is up when we get the beta level back. He said that he anticipated my level to be somewhere in the hundreds and that if I don’t get my period in the next three weeks, he would induce it with progesterone pills. On my way out I asked him “what if my beta is like 5” and he said that wasn’t going to be the case. Guess what? My beta is NEGATIVE and that means that I did ovulate either yesterday or will do so today (I know the signs). We’ll try the old fashioned way – hey what the heck? I’m so happy. Now I’ll be able to cycle and soon – and that makes me very, very, very happy.

I need to really decide what to do now – do I try a few more IUIs (potentially wasting my precious time) or just go straight to CCRM? Internet – if you have an opinion please speak now or forever hold your….

and

100 people a day read this thing? Really? I feel the need to step up the entertainment factor. You actually come here to watch me (read me?) moan and whine…..thank you. Thank you, internet for caring….

You know that letter I got from my 65 year old self? Funny but I’ve also been thinking about where I want to be when I am 65 and more importantly WHO I want to be. I’ve done the dream thing (more on that some other day- I was a career songwriter and a singer for a time) and I’ve done the career thing (I was an officer – er quasi officer at a major investment bank) and now I am a mother. I truly love being a stay at home mom and I have no desires or aspirations right now to be anything else. But I wonder – what will my son think? Will he understand that I am not a lazy person…I am not an uninspired person. Society puts so much value on having a “career” and to be honest, I just don’t buy it. I feel like I’ve done all that I wanted to do so far. The only thing that had been missing is motherhood. Now that I am a mother I am focused on not only being a great mother but also being a mother again. But what happens the day the last one goes to college? Who am I then?

What I would like to be at the age of 65 is a fortune teller/writer/tile maker and live in a adobe hut in Sedona, Arizona. My husband thinks I’m nuts.

A letter from the future…

I was just now mopping the floor…contemplating yesterday’s posts and one email that I received from a friend telling me that my blog is “breaking her heart” when suddenly a voice called out from my future self. Aged 65. It went something like this:

“Dear Suzanne,

“You are 40 years old. Life isn’t fair…and if you think this is bad – you haven’t seen anything yet”.

It occurred to me that yes, it is OK to be sad…and boy was I sad yesterday…but then I remembered my mother has lost two brothers, her father and soon her mother. I am in no way minimizing my sadness – it just puts it into perspective. There will be much more loss and disappointment in the future…but so many rainbows and happiness too. I wish someone had written a letter from the future to me about 20 years ago while I was heartbroken over that very first boyfriend breakup. Did I ever spend a lot of tears and brain power obsessing about that……!!! I digress. I know this is real grown up pain and it hurts but now I need to heal and move forward.

Just a quick note to say I’m better today – nuchal scan, 2nd trimester, 3rd trimester email reminder notes have been deleted from my google calendar to prevent future meltdowns….and now I’ve got a date with a mop.

…yeah

I thought I was over it…but apparently I’m not. It doesn’t help that I had put google reminders in the calendar to remind me what week I am in. Today I received an email telling me that my first trimester is over and right now I am supposed to be at the doctors having a nuchal fold measured. But I’m not and I’m sad.

Disappointed

I debated writing this entry for awhile now – but it is still on my mind and thus needs to be written. I started this blog for a number of reasons. It seemed like a lot of my friends and family didn’t really understand IVF and, rather than tell each and everyone of them my life story and where I am at with the process, this blog seems like an easy solution. I also really want help people going through this. My experience will no doubt help out someone else down the line. 1 in 10 couples will suffer through some sort of infertility at some point in their lives and if my story can help someone out there in any way..well that is what it is all about. But I’ve said all that before….in some post somewhere. I never imagined that this website might chronicle events such as miscarriage. Miscarriage is by far a more personal thing and it sucked. But you know what the worst part of it was? Knowing that some of my friends and family were reading this blog and yet they didn’t even offer one word of condolence. Nothing. It REALLY bothered me. I know it was the holiday and people are busy and they don’t know what to say – but would it have been so difficult to write a one liner – “hey, I’m sorry”?? Most of my friends were great….just knowing that they were thinking of me meant so much. A few of my friends did say some rather idiotic things but, if the roles were reversed, I might have said the same thing. “Hey, you have Alex – be grateful for what you have” Man. As if I am not grateful EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE. Every day is Christmas with this kid around. And it is because of him that this loss still has me in tears. Yeah, here I am complaining that some of my friends/family ignored my miscarriage and in the same paragraph I complain about some of the ones who did acknowledge our loss!! Can’t win with me…

Anyway – I guess I’m just disappointed that some of my friends just ignored one of the most painful times in my life. It just feels like the world got a lot more lonely for me in some way.

The Picture above…..

In case you were wondering….it is of our barn in upstate NY (we have a house not far from NYC). I keep it up there because my husband says that every time he sees the photo that he is less inclined to sell the property (and now you know why I never change it).

Damn but I miss home….