No updates.  I just wrote the most depressing blog a few minutes ago which took me ages….and erased it.  This one isn’t much better so be warned.  I’m in a mood – it will lift.  Indulge me?  It was not only long but self pitying and quite frankly, if I sent it out I’d have to shut the whole thing down.  So here you get – pity festival (the light version!).  I’m moaning (as my British husband would say) about the fact that I just have spent 2 weeks in the British rain sunshine with my husband and adorable 5 year old (with a brief stop in Paris) all paid for by my very generous in-laws…yes, moaning (complaining, pitifully pensive inward ramblings).  Here I am watching my son play with his cousins (who he absolutely adores) and I have had to steal out for moments to cry.  It is ridiculous.  I just keep feeling so sad that he doesn’t have a sibling and have been internally beating myself up about it.  I can’t explain to my husband (he doesn’t really get it) – he is very matter of fact, it either works or it doesn’t’.  I think he compared it to something so trivial that I had to stop myself from slapping him.  Right in the middle of it I had this urge to talk to someone and thought…I really need to speak to John.  But forgot, John died.  Ever have a friend you can tell anything to and they listen, care and actually can be relatively unbiased (or at least say what you need to hear?).  Anyway, I have this forum right here.  Somehow I think you’ll understand..

I’m also feeling a bit blue about the fact that my son is about to go to kindergarten and leave the school that I (for all intents and purposes) created for him.  Well, it wasn’t really just for him…my life goal had been to open my own school.  The timing was right when I could not find what I wanted to send him. The school I created has proven to be pure passion for me and my fertility life raft (for lack of a better word!).  I love every minute of it (well, the kids at least – some personnel issues NOT SO MUCH).  The kids make everything worth it –  I feel like I get to borrow the most delicious and wonderful children for four to 8 hours a day which really and truly makes me happy.  I also find myself getting attached and then they graduate…gone, poof.  I can’t describe how that feels – pride mixed with deep sadness….  I’m digging a pity hole so I’ll stop.  Suffice it to say that my dream job/work is something I take very seriously.  It not only fills a void but makes me want to learn more every day so that I can give more to them.  Hard to explain really.  More on that later….a lot more.

There are no updates from CCRM and I didn’t go asking for any because I didn’t want to ruin my holiday if they said no to my proposed surrogate.  I’m going to call the week after I return and press them.  I am hoping they will let me do a dual transfer and that will be that but if they say no…then I’m in a jam.  If I didn’t have so many things coming at me at once (explanation later) I could create a roadmap for the future but I can’t.  Not in the next two weeks.  

Husband says we should transfer one to me and the other to our chosen surrogate.  (Hello, darling angel surrogate – I know you read my blog and have been meaning to email you).  So we will have updates soon.  Until then, I’ll be posting every day.  Why?  I’d like to be a part of blogher and to do so, you have to write every day for a certain amount of time.  I am committed to this blog but I’ve wondered who my audience is.  Curious friends?  Nosy family?  Hopeful fellow IFers who would love a 44 year old recurrent miscarriager (yeah, I know that isn’t a word) succeed?  I certainly would like to write about education, organic food, meditation, travel, gardening….love, loss, self realization.  So many things interest me but I am aware that I have  an audience that is largely IF.  Let’s face it, most of you come from other blogs that list me as one to watch and you want to know if CCRM is going to work for you.  All I can say is, I’ll do my best to mix it up and be at least funny sometimes.  

OK…pity part is over now. 

If you ever want a wonderful, peaceful get away from everything and see the real England (not Piccadilly circus) – head to Glynn Barton Cottages in Cornwall.  Simply lovely.  Animals, indoor pool (for those English summers that can turn to 40  degrees in the blink of an eye).  Wake up, get your own eggs from the chickens, fry them up, have a rest, go for a hike, head to the beach, drink cider and ale at the local pub.  It was beautiful.  Shameless plug for a gorgeous place.

Being here during the Queen’s Jubilee has been quite wonderful as well.  I watched the whole thing twice – along with the horrible BBC commentary and head scratching choice of performers for the concert. WARNING RANT APPROACHING – IF YOU DIDN”T WATCH THE CONCERT AND DON”T REALLY CARE ABOUT THE CHOICE OF PERFORMERS SKIP FORWARD A PARAGRAPH  My husband and I had a huge argument about the choice of Paul McCartney playing “Life and Let Die”.  I mean really…!  Live and Let Die.  Old Paul is a notorious penny pincher.  I had a friend who almost signed to his publishing house as a songwriter and he was known to charge back the price of the stamp on which the royalty check comes in.  Paul chose the songs he sang to maximize his publishing revenue, no doubt.  With so many beautiful songs, why that one? Husband says it is a classic anthem that all Brits will love and know but the message just made me think twice.  What was the other?  Taxman?  What?  If I was Queen I’d be thinking of my dead mother and sister during Live and Let Die and then feeling quite uncomfortable during the Taxman.  Squirmy even.  And Robbie Williams grabbing his crotch…really?  REALLY?  Cutting off the poor guy who sang Two Little Boys was just wrong.  Cheryl Cole was ghastly (whoever she is) and Will.i.am (whatever)…no comment. Grace Jones?  Come on….  Adele?  No Adele?  Then Gary Barlow gets an MBE for organizing the event?  Sorry, the songwriter in me just couldn’t’ stomach all of that.  Where was Duran Duran, Spice Girls?  I did love Madness.

What else can I complain about?  The weather?  OH YES!  We had a fantastic day at the Tower of London with a “who cares about this crap” five year old who kept yelling “I”M NOT FOUR” as his father tried to get him in for events for free (FREE UNDER FOUR).  Now we have taught him how to lie!  Nice one, dad.  His father almost got himself beheaded after he asked a Beefeater a rude question (I had to laugh outwardly at that).  We saw the cannon go off for Prince Philip’s birthday and it was a real sight – full on pomp.  I secretly think that he was there in a white van.  Husband says NO WAY but the black cab driver I used today thought I was right.  It was far too over the top for no royalty to be there.  He told me that they often get about London without anyone knowing.  Made sense to me.  He then went on to tell me all the celebrities he has ever had in his cab – Princess of Kent is lovely, Janice Dickinson (is that her name) is a nutter.  His words, not mine.  Love my rides with a talkative  London cab driver.

Question:  if a former IF who is now “resolved” (two kids one of each gender, one failed IVF, 2nd one worked and natural pregnancy at 40  – someone who knows your full history said:

Me:  Goodness, I love this little girl’s outfit

Her:  You should have a girl then. (big smile)

Me:  Oh yes, you are absolutely right (as I internally fumed at myself for not having a snappy response prepared!!!).

Until tomorrow, my friends.  

Oh and anyone reading Fifty Shades of Grey?  Um, that was some really bad writing but….I finished the whole thing.  The only woman in America who flipped fast through the naughty bits.  It just got to be too much (or I am a prude?  which??)