Just when you thought nothing could surprise you…

I’ve been debating posting what I have on my mind. I’ve really thought long and hard about it (yes, I’ll get to it but there is a back story so indulge, please and thank you). I’ve had a pretty horrible few years months. I’ve not told anyone about all of the things bothering me. In fact, I’ve kept almost everything to myself for so long that I’ve become used to it. This blog is about as close as I get to spilling my guts about what is really bothering me and most of you have no idea who I am (er, I suppose).

Let me backtrack…

I went to visit my husband’s family for three weeks in June. It was the first real holiday I’ve had in three years and I REALLY needed it.   This has been a challenging year for many reasons not just waiting for the doctor to approve my chosen surrogate.   I was hoping to relax, recharge and hopefully come back to the great news that Dr. Schoolcraft had approved my surrogate after the “difficult cases” meeting and that our journey could begin. I was rather sure AND as my husband said after reading the pleading letter to the good doctor “there is no way he won’t be moved by that” or something of that nature.  I had pretty much secured the loan from our credit union for most of the costs, I was set. The IS (intended surrogate) was getting a little tired of waiting and I didn’t blame her. But knew that it would crush me and ruin my one chance to rest after a hard few years.  I didn’t think three weeks would make much of a difference and knew that a calmer me would make me able to deal with whatever the decision was with a clearer head.    So I went to the UK blissfully unaware that meetings had been had in Colorado and fates had been sealed. Who knows, they hadn’t called me back despite a few phone calls and emails so I assume that is what was going on. I certainly was not going to have  another hundred or so dollars to talk to him again (plus the 8 dollar phone call charge – love that touch).   I try not to think of the money we’ve spent so far and the phone calls….which have been about 2 minutes long.  What is the hourly rate for that?  A million dollars an hour?

I digress.

So I went to the UK and had a fantastically craptastic time thanks to some work drama.  The highlight was going to Paris for the night, eating a chocolate ice cream cone and working off the calories (and almost dying of heart failure) trying to keep up with my 5 year old ball of energy who literally ran up the Eiffel tower to the first level.  Let me say that the Eiffel Tower is a big deal at my school.  We talk about it a lot.  We draw pictures of the steeple at our school (we reside in a church) and the kids love imagining it with all the lights on it at night.  I have little replicas that they love to hold.  My son was a ROCKSTAR at school for going up the Eiffel Tower so it was worth it….even if I cried all the way down and back on the Eurostar….imagining horrible things that never happened, arguing with my husband over almost everything and nothing and missing my friend who died last year.  You know, the one person you have in your life that you can call and talk to for a few hours and you both walk away from the call having unloaded and feeling like you connected with another person who gets it?  He was that person for me.  I know I’m all  over the place but I just needed him at that moment and well, now….and I don’t have him or anything like him anymore.    Enough with the pity party.  I’ll be fine, I just get sad sometimes and talk to the air imagining he is here and listening (minus his incredibly catty stories about people we know from high school and who is now gay and who is divorcing and….you know, a little harmless gossip with an old friend).   He was gay, for the record and when he died we hadn’t talked because I was so busy, I didn’t return his few calls.  Not because I didn’t care, I was too busy working to save my family.  Another blog post… another regret.

God help me I will get to the point.

So I get back to the US and solve a few of my pending problems, get the news from CCRM, digest it. tell the surrogate via FB (because I could not speak I was so upset)…  A few weeks go by and I’m thinking about how perhaps I could try one transfer with me and then move the other embryo to a clinic (my husband’s wishes) and transfer to her.

Then Aurora happens and I immediately look to see if she is OK (on FB – she lives in that vicinity) and she is gone.  Poof.  She blocked me.  She erased me from her life.  My husband was very relieved that we didn’t proceed further with someone who clearly didn’t see us as anything more than dollar signs…I took it a bit harder..  I felt like I’d been punched in the gut.  The idea of someone carrying a child for me wasn’t easy.  I had pangs and yearnings and questions but I made peace with it because of her.  I also felt a connection to her and knew she would care for my children (if they do turn into children but with a normal CGH embryo made a few years ago, you have a good chance in the right womb).

The person that I almost let carry my children blocked me on facebook.  Just.Like.THAT.

If that isn’t a kick in the pants, I don’t know what is.  All I can say is I hope she isn’t following me.  Fool me once and I get the picture.  I’ve now learned that life is not only about choices but also how you react to the choices of others.

I just keep on thinking…what if she had my children living inside of her and blocked me.  What if, what if, what if.

Maybe I have a guardian angel.  I don’t know.

Let me leave you with the good news – my period is back again.  Heavy too.  I think I am going to build a lining, folks.  I think I’m going to do this myself.  Soon.  44 and pregnant.  Think I’d get a reality TV show?  Good LORD, my friends from high school are having grandchildren now.

Enough counting chickens.

The End of Post 125

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Blog Post 124….

Sorry, wordpress just challenged me to write two more post and so I am.

Here you go – blog 124. The post where I tell you that I am only writing this to get back at a computer who is challenging me to write a post. Pretty sane, right?

I’ll hold off on the big 125 and post later with maybe some semblance of a plan.

Maybe.

Rejected

Just like that. So the only surrogate that I would consider (pretty much) has been rejected by CCRM. As you know, I have no plan B. I did this on purpose because I just knew that they would let me do what I want. They are perfectly happy to let me do a FET into a 44 year old, recurrent miscarrier…oh that is just fine but a young woman who has five healthy pregnancies has been rejected.

I have no idea what to think let alone feel. My husband wants me to try to carry one and then do surrogacy for the other. I can’t even comment on that one. Really?

Right before I received the email I was cleaning out my office and found this cute little ultrasound of a developing baby (my son!) – you could see the feet developing and the head. I immediately showed my son and he was so excited to see himself at barely a CM. I looked closely after I told him and saw that there was very little room for movement. I then looked at the date and saw that it was from December 08. The chromosomally normal female that would be my daughter right now except….she isn’t.

Yesterday was not my day. Neither is today. I’m just done with thinking about it right now.

I also can’t keep my intended surrogate on hold anymore. She is ready for her last journey now and I’m facing a battle royal with my husband on who carries a pregnancy first and I am also in the middle of other things which require my full attention.

I wish I could get on a flight and disappear for a week to process this but I can’t.

I don’t even have any tears. I’m just numb.

There it is – and now I need to figure out what to do. Roll the dice? Try this myself? This is my last shot with my own eggs. No adoption per my husband. I’m up against the wall and have no idea if I even have the fight in me anymore. Defeated, party of one.

Blogging

No word from CCRM. I’m going to chalk it up to the holiday. Next week I need final resolution. I’m over it…and I suspect you are too (especially my intended surrogate). I have about 200 – 300 readers every time I post and I’m still mystified. Who the heck are you people? 🙂

Getting back to CCRM and all things related – no period this month. Hmmm. Guess it was a one off thing?

So, the embryos that I have are it. Last chance and I am OK with that. What I am not OK with is the fact that I have a unbelievable amount of medication (gonal F mainly) that I would love to donate. I have enough for a regular person to cycle (I used to take the motherlode of meds and, to be honest, I don’t think it made one iota of difference – I made the same number of eggs no matter the amount of medication).

So if you are ready to cycle and meds are holding you back – please email me (comment and I’ll get back to you). I don’t think donation is illegal and if I can help someone, I’d like to. I have all my gonal f and such in powder so the expiration date is nebulous but soon. If I can help someone out there it would make me very happy.

I’m encouraging my husband to start a blog. I think he is rather funny but then again, I have to. I’ll let you know his blog name. Suggestions welcome – he is British, didn’t go nuts over the fireworks last night (while our wee boy sat there waving his flag shouting “yeah to American”. We’ll forget his usage of the English language (not required in the south).

Thanks for reading and I hope soon that we will have something to say. Something serious….

One cranky email sent

Ok, here we go! I sent off the email. I want to get this show on the road. Stay tuned. If I don’t hear back tomorrow, I’m going to step up the calls and emails. I hate being that patient but enough already. I rocked my child to sleep in a room with a crib last night. Five years and the damned thing is still up and I’m stuck. STUCK!

So expect news soon…then I’m going to need help figuring out what to do if they say NO.

Time to make a decision grid like in 8th grade. Pathetic.

BAH! How did I get here again???

If…………….

IF you can keep your head when all about you 
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
‘ Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling

 

This poem has been on my mind a lot lately.  My husband refers back to it almost weekly when talking to me for whatever reason…. so I might as well have memorized it by now (I always thought the last sentence was “and which is more – you’ll be a man, gunga din.  All his little sayings are all jumbled into one big long wordorama – most the Black Adder quotes – don’t ask.).

Let’s just say I was not in AP Literature due to my complete apathy for the written word at that point in my life.  Pity, really.  Now I love to read and….well, A Tale of Two Cities is still my favorite book. I digress.

I’ve called CCRM a few times this week.  They seem to have forgotten that I exist which fills me with a bit of apprehension.  Maybe they are super busy?  Maybe they thawed my embryos because I have a balance due on my account DESPITE having given them my credit card four times.  I don’t know!?!  I’m mystified.  The last time they thought I was someone else (I happen to share the same last name with another person who cycles there which has given me a fair amount of anxiety).

So next week I am going to ring every single bell and start to be “THAT PATIENT”.  I’ve been told how much they appreciate THAT PATIENT…you know, the one who calls and asks for the embryologist and demands to speak to Dr. S and rants on and on and on.  Seems those people get what they want while the respectful people get put on hold until the phone goes dead.  That is how it seems lately and I’m not sure why??  Anyone else with this experience?

I’m 44 and for whatever reason, they seem insistent that I carry these embryos.  Is it to inflate their stats?  I don’t know.  I have NO CLUE how many women get pregnant with their own eggs at the age of 44.5 years of age.  Likely not many (sorta cheating since my embryos were created three years ago, of course).  

Meanwhile my intended surrogate has her life on hold (HI there, darling) which causes me no end of frustration and guilt.  She feels badly even though this is not her fault at all.  At this point I need to just get ballsy and ask straight out – WHAT IS GOING ON!?!  Right?  What is happening….what?  

Getting back to the poem.  I’ve had a bit of drama in my life in the past month or so which has caused me to be introspective (to put it lightly).  I just don’t have time to hang around, be around people who are glass half empties – people always looking for a reason to be unhappy.  I’m done with the excuses that people have for their mediocrity.  We have one life and if you can’t approach each day as a gift….treat others the way (you know, that golden rule) you would want to be treated, act with kindness and search for the good in others then I don’t want to be around you.  I include myself in that – I am going to take a vacation from myself next time I hear myself whine for no good reason.  Nothing is productive about it.  So I am giving up negative energy.

I still enjoy a snarky bit of humor so let’s exempt that….but on the whole, I’m going to be repeating that poem to myself and hope you enjoy it as much as I have over the years.

My husband is always happy, by the way.  Well, he is almost always happy but when he isn’t, I’m pretty sure I know the reason.  As my good friend A says, “men are not complicated, just give them what they want and always keep them confused”.   She has a very good point – I think I have the “keep him confused” down and now for the rest!

I’ll keep you all updated with my quest to get an update from CCRM.  Anyone out there know if Dr. S is on vacation or something?  

Promise to this blog, to my IS and to myself – we are moving forward in late Sept. no matter what.  It has to be.

Thanks for all your emails and comments – I appreciate the words of wisdom.