Wow…(warning someone else’s graphic miscarriage mentioned)

I was googling this am. (more about that later). Every single morning I have been getting up at 4am. I don’t know why. So, I decided to alleviate my fears that this pregnancy might turn into another blighted ovum (I had one once – have not shared the details yet). Googling “blighted ovum” brought me to this page (WARNING – miscarriage mentioned in detail):

http://losingmaia.blogspot.com/2006/06/my-dead-baby-was-to-be-urinated-upon.html

Read at your own peril – it really upset me. Even more upsetting were the comments below her post…..I cannot believe things like this actually happen in the world.

Um…

I was wrong. Probably the first time I am very happy to say that. My beta has gone up to 972. Doubling time is 37 hours which is very good. We were looking for a number of around 500….so this is great news.

I’m going to check my betas with Alex – but I think they were very similar.

Panic over (for now). Truth is – I won’t be able to relax for another 8 months or so.

Ultrasound is one week from Friday.

Waiting

I gave blood and now will probably have to wait for the results. I’m already feeling very bad for my nurse – she’ll have to call me with bad news. When she called me last week to tell me that the beta had doubled I joked with her that I was beginning to associate bad things with her phone calls. You know, I could be wrong about this – but consider the evidence:

Since I found out I was pregnant I’ve been peeing constantly and feeling rather nauseated. On Saturday I woke up and both of those feelings had gone away. My uterus feels a bit soft now, whereas one week ago it was a bit hard. I have a back ache – this is pretty common in pregnancy but combined with the other symptoms (or lack of) I’d say it is not a good sign for me. I just don’t feel pregnant anymore.

I have SOME evidence to the contrary – I have had a few spells of nausea and my breasts still hurt (ish).

I just have a bad feeling and I’m usually right about these things.

Consult with Dr. Schoolcraft.

I seriously cannot say enough about this man. I really liked him for so many reason – he came across as not only knowledgeable but genuinely concerned.

Prior to the appointment I had to fill out about 20 pages worth of forms and compile my infertility novella (which is up to about 40 pages – my true file, if I had absolutely everything would probably be twice as large). I wrote him a concise chronological note so that he would not have to sift through all of it which I think he appreciated. He talked at length about his program and answered all of my questions. He told me that the new form of PGD that they are testing is getting unbelievable results. His pregnancy rates for women of all ages is around 70 percent. Even women who are coming to him with repeat miscarriages, horrible egg quality, previous chromosomal abnormal births – these women are having healthy babies! He attributes it to this procedure – they grow your embryos to blast, test them and then freeze them. The process takes a week and that is why the embryo has to be frozen. They test ALL 23 chromosomes – unlike the old PGD (which I had the pleasure of wasting a great deal of money on) which only tested 9 of the most common abnormalities. Once the embryos have been assessed the mother is given estrogen and progesterone to create a healthy environment for the embryo. He believes that this environment is more conducive to pregnancy than a fresh IVF cycle and that is another reason the success rate is so high. Apparently not one embryo has been lost after the freeze. So, I think any woman who wants a kid should just go to Colorado and cycle with CCRM. Their stats are just beyond compare and he gave me such hope. I was quite touched that he repeatedly wished me well on my current pregnancy and said, “we are here if you need us but I really hope we never speak again”. The next day his nurse followed up with a call giving me well wishes and reminded me that they were there for me if I needed them. It felt really wonderful to have this option in the back of my mind – nothing worse than grasping at straws after a failed cycle. I actually owe this current pregnancy to Schoolcraft – his writings (and he reiterated this during our conversation) convinced me to ditch the lupron and go for a low stim for better egg quality. So, thank you Dr. Schoolcraft for being indirectly responsible for what is going on in my uterus at the moment. I also have him to thank for reminding me that I should be on blood thinners (I have a blood clotting factor). I originally thought that baby aspirin would do the trick but, as he says, better safe than sorry. I’m taking lovenox and believe me when I say that this is one nasty drug. It hurts going in and each and ever shot makes a huge purple bruise.

So far so good – I’m feeling sick most of the day, breasts still massive with big blue horrible veins, belly big and bloated..and I’m tired.

Trying to find the energy to post about IVF#4 and IVF#5 – this weekend I must do that.

15 dpo

So the beta HCG rose to 78. More than doubled by 8 points. I’m happy. Sure a lot could go wrong but we are off to a decent start. I bought about 100 dollars worth of pregnancy tests – much to my husband’s chagrin. They weren’t a total waste of money, though – I was able to see the progression and the darkening of the second line which told me that the HCG was indeed increasing – and that saved a lot of tears and agony (I’ll post a photo of them soon for all those who search for such things).

I’m still exhausted and hungry all the time but I can manage that – the idea that IVF and all its trapping might be a thing of the past just seems too good to be true!

I had a wonderful conversation with Dr. Schoolcraft yesterday. I’ll post more about that later – for now, I’m going to try to take a nap.

Thanks for checking in – still kinda shocked that some 50 – 100 of you actually read a blog that deals with news about my boobs and ovaries.

14 dpo

The torture is never ending.

Last night I peed on another stick. Line came up after a minute or so slightly darker than the previous day. When I spoke to the nurse she told me that an HPT would be show a light line with a beta level of 35. The line was indeed light. At 4:30am I tested again – right after I peed on the stick I noticed the blood. Not a lot but definitely red – by 7am it had turned to brown. Implantation bleeding? I had that with Alex so wouldn’t be surprising.

I peed on yet another stick while talking to my friend John. Yes, he is one of THOSE kinds of friends. A good one. He proved to be a lucky charm – the line was instantly darker – in fact, it is the same color as the control. So something is either growing or trying to grow.

My consult with Dr. Schoolcraft is tonight.

OK one more..

I’m writing this cycle off.  Sad as I am to do it – I just have to be realistic.  This is 50/50 at this point and I have a shitty track record.  It only took me about 2 hours of gut wrenching sadness (yes, the time in between these posts) and now I’m ready to go again.  On Wed we’ll know for sure.  Until then – I have to get about 70 pages of medical records and a photo of C and me to CCRM.  I realized – C and I have barely any photos of ourselves since our wedding…together.  This makes me really sad – we’ve been so preoccupied with trying to have babies and with our son that I think we forgot about each other.  We have to change that.

And I suddenly realized – I have this beautiful little boy who is asleep in his crib and I’m not enjoying him to the fullest extent because I am trying so hard to give him a sibling.  The truth be told, I’d love another child but this process has been so hard – at this point I am doing this only for him.  Because we are older parents and I cannot bear the idea that something would happen to us and he would be all alone.

At 4:30 this morning Alex woke up and came into our bed and would not go back to sleep.  He kept hugging both of us  saying “my momma, my dadda”.  At one point he kept giving me nose kisses – which I didn’t really appreciate at the time.  His father got him to go to sleep by holding him close to his face – Alex kept stroking C’s cheek until he fell asleep.

We are so lucky and maybe I need to refocus on that and….I won’t give up but maybe I need to put this all in perspective.  The point is to enjoy my family – not torture myself because it doesn’t look the way I think it should right now.img_4274

So it goes like this

I tested on Friday at 10 dpo.  The test was super faint.  I used a First Response Early Result – last time I had a super faint HPT at 10 dpo (also on a Friday) my beta hcg was 12.  By Tuesday my level had reached 51 and pregnancy resulted in my son.  Today my beta was at 35 which would mean we want to see anything above 65 or so on Wednesday.

I can’t beta hell.  It could go either way.  When I woke up this morning it felt like my breasts weren’t as heavy and I still felt nauseated but not as much as I had the day before.  I could be wrong – but I haven’t been so far.

I have a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft tomorrow from CCRM in Colorado.  I’ll just focus my energy on the next cycle and hopefully be pleasantly surprised with this one.