Stop the presses. That is if I have any readers left.

I’m just terrible with this blog. I started it to get my feelings out while I travel down the lonely road of infertility. I have been waiting and watching as friends have babies, as they give birth, have sibling for their children and I remain stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Time is ticking. My periods have long since gone. Menopause? I’m not sure. I think my body just can’t ovulate. I’ve been under so much pressure and I don’t take good care of myself. I forget to eat. Sometimes I don’t know what day it is. I started a preschool. I might have mentioned that but….it was the hardest thing I ever did but also I have never been happier. I have kids who give me hugs, who love me and the love flows right back. I’ve been so happy lately even though I work very hard and have little time for me. I was sitting in the Inverness Hotel in 2009, reading a book about the importance of education in the first five years of life. I glanced from my 3000 dollars of meds, to the syringe I just used to make my follicles grow, back to the book and then came the idea. A preschool. If I have one child…well, at least I’ll know what he is learning AND I will have dozens of children to love. So I am very happy but also the big fat void remains. The siblings on ice. The would be siblings except, my womb is over it. I can’t get it to grow. I have not tried again but I know. I’ve been friends (randomly) with a woman who has been a surrogate in the past. We started talking and one day I thought….well, why don’t I ask her. To my utter delight she agreed to be my surrogate. I cannot tell you what a dream come true this is for me. She is without a doubt a thoughtful, caring and loving person but get this, she wants to be a part of my child’s life. An Auntie for lack of a better word. That is just the icing on the cake. I would so love to share my child with a sister but sadly I have only a brother. He loves my son but there is nothing like an aunt that just loves you to pieces. I am one of those types of Aunties and, well, I just hope she will love my son as much. Hold on, no baby yet but we are hoping that this is what my embryos need. A womb that is proven to give life unlike mine. I say this without a hint of sadness. The only thing I worry about is that she will somehow be harmed by the process. If both were to take I would worry about her carrying twins, the burden on her and her family. So I may try to see if my uterus will grow enough to have a double transfer of the embryos. The higher quality for her and the lesser quality for me. Schoolcraft suggested that I transfer both to her and told me “why waste one”….as if he knows that I can’t carry another child. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn. We are in the middle of waiting for his approval. So that is the news. I feel happy, worried, stressed…but somewhat relieved that there is a plan and we have the right person on the team. I don’t think there could be a better person to carry my child (ren) than this woman…she really cares and I know would do the right thing. She is ethical, honest, caring, devoted and I think I could learn a thing or two about organization from her. And I love her already. She gave me hope again. For that I owe her so much already…

To be continued!

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Happy New Year!

Things have been a little crazy – I’ve been cleaning my house like a whirling dervish for some reason. I have no idea how I am doing it as I’ve been mostly lying in bed with a herniated disk….on steroids and that seems to be doing the trick.

I have an appointment at CCRM in Denver on the 15th. C and I are going out there (he will already be on a business trip so the timing is perfect). I was supposed to go for my Pre-Op check up today with current RE but….they will only be measuring my HCG level to see if it has gone down. I think I’ll wait a few days.

I just wanted to check in and say hello and tell you all that I am doing very well – I’ve put the pain and disappointment of last year behind me and hope 2009 will be different. My friend is expecting a baby any day now….one of our mutual friends asked me if this is hard for me in light of my recent loss and I have to say…not at all. Well, sorta. My friend conceived at the age of 40 on her very first try (about a month before her wedding – I’m sure in large part because I nagged her to go off the pill asap….knowing how hard a time most of us have over age 40). About two weeks after she found out that she was pregnant, I found out that I was pregnant too. We all know how that ended (IVF #4) so I am sad for only one reason – I was very much looking forward to having babies the same age. I promised myself long ago that I would never allow this process to change me – I’m delighted by babies being born – even to the Duggars! I will not allow myself to covet or become jealous or bitter or angry. Believe me, it is hard but this process does enough to you – I certainly don’t want to become someone I don’t recognize in the mirror.

So today I am cleaning baby sheets and a moses basket to send to her and it literally lifts my spirits!

For now – Happy New Year and I intend to report back with good news very shortly.

OK one more..

I’m writing this cycle off.  Sad as I am to do it – I just have to be realistic.  This is 50/50 at this point and I have a shitty track record.  It only took me about 2 hours of gut wrenching sadness (yes, the time in between these posts) and now I’m ready to go again.  On Wed we’ll know for sure.  Until then – I have to get about 70 pages of medical records and a photo of C and me to CCRM.  I realized – C and I have barely any photos of ourselves since our wedding…together.  This makes me really sad – we’ve been so preoccupied with trying to have babies and with our son that I think we forgot about each other.  We have to change that.

And I suddenly realized – I have this beautiful little boy who is asleep in his crib and I’m not enjoying him to the fullest extent because I am trying so hard to give him a sibling.  The truth be told, I’d love another child but this process has been so hard – at this point I am doing this only for him.  Because we are older parents and I cannot bear the idea that something would happen to us and he would be all alone.

At 4:30 this morning Alex woke up and came into our bed and would not go back to sleep.  He kept hugging both of us  saying “my momma, my dadda”.  At one point he kept giving me nose kisses – which I didn’t really appreciate at the time.  His father got him to go to sleep by holding him close to his face – Alex kept stroking C’s cheek until he fell asleep.

We are so lucky and maybe I need to refocus on that and….I won’t give up but maybe I need to put this all in perspective.  The point is to enjoy my family – not torture myself because it doesn’t look the way I think it should right now.img_4274