It has begun.

I don’t like new years resolutions for a variety of dumb reasons but this year I think I am doing it. Sorta. It started about two weeks ago. I cut out coffee (well, went from 10 to 2 a day). 10 cups of coffee a day (no joke) and I was wondering why I had high BP. As high as 145/95 which is very high for me. I went to a new doctor recently – friend of a friend. I can never get in to see my oh so amazing doctor in ATL so I figured, why not. Why not! The guy was great. He went over my history and told me that he agrees completely that I should be on IVIG during pregnancy and my failure to be on it for the last miscarriage was probably why I lost a genetically normal female. Ugh. She would be 2.5 years old. I try so hard not to think about that. That was a tough one. In fact, it is probably something I have yet to deal with – it comes out in little bits. Like when the doctor says to me, how many miscarriages and I mumble “um…like 6 or 7 or 8…I’m sorry” and then the tears start and I feel stupid. Like right now…few more tears. They are always right there at the surface. Should I sit my ass in a doctor’s chair and talk about it for 190 dollars a month…the answers is damn well no. Enough of that. I’ll get my bucket of tears owed to that little girl in soon. Maybe I’ll make a weekend for her – just to get it out because, I would have been fine had the karyotype been “trisomy male” blah blah but not “normal girl”. At 8 weeks he didn’t just get my tissue – it was true.

So back to the resolutions malarky. I started with the coffee and now I’m taking prenatals on time and eating with them! Duh. I’m bumping up the folic acid. I don’t drink too much but I take anti anxiety meds. I’ve halved my dosage (that is also a big thing for me as I tend to be over anxious, imagine that). Drinking will cease from 2x per week to about none. I’ve started my daily baby aspirin, am drinking lots of water and going to about five more doctors – pap smear, mammo (all required by Schoolcraft to do an embryo transfer) and then the doctor to give me IVIG who my doctor made a referral and “recommended” that he do whatever I want. Hoping insurance will take it or it is 3K a pop and I need at least 3 of them if not 4.

Wow, exciting post!

The doctor did tell me that it was pretty clear that I have an autoimmune disorder but that it was also a good thing because I’ll probably never get cancer. Oh doctor, don’t worry, my body has ways of surprising!

So that is it. Countdown begins. I’ve started thinking about what will happen if it doesn’t work and the idea is grim but I’ll survive but I won’t give up. I won’t have a lot of options at that point but I’ll find a way.

So there it is – my new years resolution. To get healthy enough to have a baby in 2 months.

Off to sign up two new students – TWO! And I signed up three more for May. So we are growing and I can’t be more happy about it. My teachers are happy, I’m finally happy with where we are headed and what we are doing. I no longer feel alone in the process but like a team is behind me – a team of really great teachers who promise me not to give me any stress during the month of March and onward (ha).

I’ll tick “a whole lot of nothing” as a category for this post. Certainly it was nothing like my post for http://www.waitinginsunshine.typepad.com. THAT was a post.

Happy New Year friends. I can’t believe I have loyal readers after I basically post ever once in 6 months.

And lastly, may babiesornot.blogspot.com be healthy in the New Year. I have some amazing cyber friends.

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December 27, 2010…..

deserves a big fat post.

My friend and her husband are parents today. She isn’t just any friend – she is a most spectacular individual who has endured 11 IVFs, a 20 week loss of a much wanted little boy…just so much. She is so special to me for so many reasons. She has done things for me that are unimaginable.

Today my friend is a mommy to a little boy and girl and that is just about the most fantastic thing in the whole world. This story gives every infertile couple reason to have hope. She never gave up. In the end, her diagnosis was a mystery until they discovered that she had celiac. As soon as she gave up wheat, six months later she cycled and lo and behold, twins.

Today is such a special day that I will leave it on that note. I have wonderful things to tell you (no, I’m not pregnant) but I have found a doctor who understands why I’ve been miscarrying and we are about to end that….soon. But today is nothing about me.

Today is about the sunshine coming through the clouds for my friend. No posting on her site. Let her tell the world. Her story is shared here:

http:// will post the info once she has posted her news.

July? Wow. I wonder if anyone reads this thing.

I’m so neglectful of my little corner of the internet universe. It isn’t right especially since some of you come looking for a solution to a very big problem (one I can’t give but I can certainly give a much researched opinion!!).

First things first – my uterus. I’m so sick of vaginal ultrasounds, blood taking/giving and all that goes with the most routine visit to the RE. So, after Doctor H (that is what I will call him – the doctor here in our new city is also my friend’s husband…weird but I’m getting over it) saw the septum I booked a hysteroscopy in Denver with Dr. S. UNDER SEDATION. No way was I going to do that awake like I did the time before. What did he find? Nothing. NOTHING!! I have no septum.

What I do have is a secret that I am about to share with you. I begged the doctor to tell me the sexes and he told me that the policy was not to give the information because it is not correct (I know it is 90 percent correct from what I’ve read). He didn’t tell me but I found out – I won’t say how but the 5AB is a girl and the 4BB is a boy. I knew it! I JUST knew it. Girl embryos are stronger and will likely implant sooner than a boy. With my son – he did not implant until day 10 (the last day in the window). How do I know? I was going to a Chinese doctor for acupuncture and he told me that he felt a good pulse but still no implantation. I’d gone to him for days after the transfer and he kept saying the same thing. The pee sticks (damn I even hate writing the words) were all negative. So Dr. Wu (love this guy and will post his info at the bottom of this post) told me that Wednesday afternoon that because it was day 10 and there was no implantation yet, he would try something else. Not sure what he did but 2 hours later I started to cramp. One and a half days later I tested positive with the FRER (love you FRER) and my beta was 11. They are supposed to detect levels of HCG above 25 but there it was – a DOUBLE LINE. So I know that boy embryos can cause a mama all sorts of stress because they take their damned time.

As for why I am so absent – I started a preschool. About a year ago around right now (precisely!) I was doing my last IVF. I remember sitting in the bedroom crying, feeling miserable and then went out and bought a whole bunch of books. One book was Nurture Shock. I read it and then immediately decided that I would open a preschool. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t something that just came to me. I’ve wanted to open a preschool my entire life (first it was an orphanage but that was when I was very young). So start a preschool I did. At the time, in the Inverness Hotel with tears streaming down my eyes I thought…if I can’t have more children, I’ll have hundreds. I also am a huge proponent of early education – at home, at a good preschool, music classes. Kids are so, so much smarter than we give them credit for and my preschool recognizes this and promotes teaching and learning UP (without pressure – everything we do is fun so they think they are just playing but no sir, they are learning!). I have a 17 year old boy who can look at an A and say AH (what the letter says). I am so excited about the school and what is happening there. To say it was hard work is a huge understatement. I gathered together all the resources, people and my own gumption and just did it. When my husband lost his job (another post..lest my blood pressure go up) this school will likely weather us through the unemployment storm. Right now I’m working 14 hour days and not getting much to see for it (monetarily speaking) but I know that if we keep doing what we are doing that we will develop and grow locally and I hope nationally. I truly detest some of the preschool education that is out there right now – some of it is awesome and wonderful and others are a complete joke. Kids deserve better. So much better. Every day I have at least 15 hugs from kids who see me in the hallway or when I enter their room to speak to their teacher. Every hug reminds me why I have done this and I truly love each child in my school. They are all so very different but amazing and wonderful beings. I will post about what we are doing and why it is so special. It also helps to employ real teachers who have years of experience!

So I’m waiting for the stress of owning my own business to lower and then will do the transfer.

Wow – if I had boy/girl twins at the age of 43 that would be some serious miracle. I will post more. I want to keep this blog moving and hopefully share some of the information I have on all of the things I’ve ever done:

1. Be a recording artist and songwriter
2. Be infertile and obsess about it
3. Open my own business

There is more but for now here is Dr. Wu’s info – I loved him and plan to go back to see him pre transfer (or someone here) and then post transfer after Denver. That is probably just too much flying around. Thanks for being a reader and hanging in there with me as I disappear and then reappear. I’m going to use this little blog as an outlet – the next few months are likely to be hard. I’ll need to vent but only to you. In real life I need to be a “tough chick” (as my friend Sherean says and as Gwen Stefani inspired her to say).

Will keep you posted. Aiming for February!

http://www.nyfertility.org/associated-staff.html (scroll down to read up on Dr. Wu)