……a memory

My friend John

Written September 9, 2011 at 5:06pm

I could sit here and cry.  Wipe away tears and then start to cry, repeat, repeat.  But instead I’d like to honor one of my best friends.  We met in 9th grade.  He had a devilish streak and so did I.  He had the audacity to steal his father’s yellow car and I encouraged him and often rode shot gun.  We used to find six packs of random beers or wine coolers and drink them in the woods.  We made fun of our English teacher.  He and our friend Jennifer, used to call me out of class and ask that i come to the principal’s office.  Mr. O’Brien always bought it.

Then we graduated.  He went away to school and so did I but we both found our way back to our hometown.  His father’s death took a toll on him.  My indecision led me to Washington DC to study something random that got me a job waiting tables.  I forced him to move to Washington.  He confessed that he was gay.  I rolled my eyes and told him that I knew that a long time ago.  I dragged him to his first gay bar and we lived together like Oscar and Felix for a year.  He moved out one day. No notice.  He broke my heart.  We didn’t talk for awhile.  I moved to NYC.  I got word that he had moved there and reached out.  The years that we hadn’t spoken were like minutes  and soon we were back to old tricks only older and wiser.  He hosted elaborate dinner parties with china, steuben and lots of gossip.  I hosted dinner parties where everyone agreed to order in.  He and his long time partner Tom came to my wedding and were the talk of the town – I had to explain to the girls that they were not for sale.  When I threw my bouquet of wishes, John caught one of the flowers.  It was a perfect day and his presence and that of his sister, my dear friend Amy made my day even more special.  We were back together – oh how I had missed my friends.  In 2006 (Feb to be exact), we bought a house outside of NYC on ten acres of land.  A small log cabin that would later grow.  John was the first tenant and my co-decorator.  We spent weekend after weekend together.  It was during this time that I suffered many miscarriages and he was my rock.  Although he didn’t care to hear about the particulars of my female parts, he did listen and he cared.  One Saturday I had planned a big get together with all of our hometown friends. Unfortunately the date coincided with the transfer of four embryos into my uterus.  I joined the team up at the house and was treated like a baby.  “No walking up the stairs” – Tom and John’s orders.  “Leave mama alone” – nobody was allowed to stress me out, look at me the wrong way.  They took care of me….that weekend I did get pregnant and it was touch and go for a while.  My husband was traveling a lot – Middle East, etc. but I always had Johnny as my weekend log cabin companion.  When I went into labor at 31 weeks, it was John and Tom who sat with me in the hospital….my husband could’t take the boredom and headed to a bar.  When I gave birth, Tom and John were one of the first to hold our son.  My wee one…..he fit perfectly in their hands and a very memorable photo was taken of him resting in his palm.  Over the next 9 months, they were frequent guests at our house.  You would often find one of them asleep with my little one on their chest.  They called themselves his “fairy godfathers”.  They were greeted with screams of delight whenever my little boy saw them after any absence – even a week.

Lately John has been sick and I started a company so we’ve been trading phone tag rather than gossip.  I’ve been counting down the days until I could resume our life in NYC replete with long soaks in the hot tub at midnight, dinner parties at each others houses and more babies for the fairy godfathers.

There is more but for now, I have to do something other than cry and worry.  I have to tell you about my friend who I love and would find hard to live without….please send him strength.  I no longer believe in God – well, not the God that most people believe in.  Don’t fault me for it, I have my own beliefs.

I do know that John is one of the kindest, most humble and fun people I’ve ever known.  26 years is a long time to love someone.  I’ll keep doing it for the rest of my time – please let it be with him rather than without him.  That is all I want.

John died three days later  –  just as I was circling the airport, about to land and rush to his bedside – he went to the light. He was in his early forties.

Never forget what you have.  It can all go in an instant. Cliche but never were words more true.  I mss him each and every day and am grateful I had that kind of friendship once…

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Someone once said….if you keep looking for trouble you are going to find trouble.

Whoever said that is an asshole but true.

So yesterday must have been my 1000th hysteroscopy. I told him that there is no way I will stay awake (like a certain doctor once did to me – hell, I was awake for a d&c with just a little valium and that was not right).

This time the uterus was fine BUT the doctor asked, “so did anyone mention that your uterus has a sort of cliff or a bulge to it”. What? A bulge. So it was explained as more of a septum. After all these tests and laps and hysteroscopies (which isn’t even a word so says my spell check). After all of that. I’m talking 300K.

300K and now I get this.

The good doctor explained that it probably wouldn’t impede any implantation but that it probably was the reason for my preterm labor. He told me I could probably hold twins but not triplets.

Funny. I just want to hold anything.

So I’m in a funny spot, doing the buildup of my lining to see how it will grow. Using the vivelle dots (or strips as I would rather call them) and seeing where all of this goes. I want to put the embryos back in by early October. It is time.

I’m so scared it won’t work and so scared that it will and I’ll lose them. Why can’t I just get pregnant and, well, be like everyone else? It is still a mystery but I’m piecing it together. The completely crazy chromosomal disasters that are most of my embryos take two to tango. I can’t blame that on just me and I am still making normal eggs at age 41 so that is good. The fact that I have two normals on ice is even better but typically they only work with women with a normal uterus. Do I have a normal uterus? I’m not sure anymore.

I do have normal, open fallopian tubes. How nice.

Happy New Year!

Things have been a little crazy – I’ve been cleaning my house like a whirling dervish for some reason. I have no idea how I am doing it as I’ve been mostly lying in bed with a herniated disk….on steroids and that seems to be doing the trick.

I have an appointment at CCRM in Denver on the 15th. C and I are going out there (he will already be on a business trip so the timing is perfect). I was supposed to go for my Pre-Op check up today with current RE but….they will only be measuring my HCG level to see if it has gone down. I think I’ll wait a few days.

I just wanted to check in and say hello and tell you all that I am doing very well – I’ve put the pain and disappointment of last year behind me and hope 2009 will be different. My friend is expecting a baby any day now….one of our mutual friends asked me if this is hard for me in light of my recent loss and I have to say…not at all. Well, sorta. My friend conceived at the age of 40 on her very first try (about a month before her wedding – I’m sure in large part because I nagged her to go off the pill asap….knowing how hard a time most of us have over age 40). About two weeks after she found out that she was pregnant, I found out that I was pregnant too. We all know how that ended (IVF #4) so I am sad for only one reason – I was very much looking forward to having babies the same age. I promised myself long ago that I would never allow this process to change me – I’m delighted by babies being born – even to the Duggars! I will not allow myself to covet or become jealous or bitter or angry. Believe me, it is hard but this process does enough to you – I certainly don’t want to become someone I don’t recognize in the mirror.

So today I am cleaning baby sheets and a moses basket to send to her and it literally lifts my spirits!

For now – Happy New Year and I intend to report back with good news very shortly.