A post with nothing to say except I have an appoint on the phone with Dr. Schoolcraft.  I didn’t even call him a wizard or a genius.  He is just a guy who right now is playing God with my embryos.  I mean, he would let me put both of these embryos back in and miscarry (likely as I struggled with one) but I can’t transfer one to a proven surrogate and one to me?  At roughly the same time?  Well, I’ve heard he proposed that exact scenario to another blogger who I watch and thanks to my last post, I can use it as ammunition…of course without naming names.  I mean – HE WON”T LET ME BUT OBVIOUSLY HAS OFFERED TO THIS EXACT SCENARIO BEFORE!  Rules were made to be broken.

I’m freakin broken every which way about this.  My birthday was a few weeks ago.  Great.  Now I’m 44. Can you imagine?  I am trying to have kids still and some of the people I went to high school are having grandkids.  I just have to block that out of my head.  I have 4 grandparents – 3 died at 90 and one is still kicking at 99.  My maternal grandmother.  A couple of wrinkles.  I kid you the hell not.  My mother? Same thing.  No wrinkles and she is close to 80.  She is walking around like she is 50.  I’m the one who takes 10 minutes to get out of bed.  wah wah wah.  Yeah, I know.

Well, I have a 5 year old who says that I am super cool and that he loves me more than infinity and,well, he seems to be certain that he will have a brother and a sister.  So we will throw the dice in the air and see what happens.  If he tells me no, I have to have a plan.  Where to move them?  

And I’m going on a gluten free diet – not to be all trendy but I’m not unconvinced that the additives in bread and the whole food chain in our country is screwed up.  I was talking to a lovely family with a child on the spectrum (high functioning) and they have no idea.  They do know one thing – when they take their child back to Turkey (the mother is from Turkey) he improves.  I can’t help but think it is diet related.  We are feeding cows corn.  They don’t eat corn in nature.  We are screwing our bodies up, their bodies.  I mean, why not just start eating couch cushion like that woman on television.  I watched that yesterday and it sent my mind realing.  She actually eats her couch…and her bra padding.  I sorta want to try it.  Don’t laugh – I want to understand what is so tasty about couch cushion (and now she is putting the couch cushion in dirt and then spreading pink hand lotion over it and eating it).  Heavens above.  

Then there was the guy who has two real life dolls – the ones you have errrr relations with?  OH BOY.  OH BOY OH BOY.

So I’ve been amusing myself while I wait for the next hurdle in one of many.  Please let this be.  I need to complete my family so I can be funny again.  I used to make jokes – not have to try pieces of couch cushion to get my kicks.  I used to write songs and now I wistfully watch as my friends get major cuts on records and love it and I miss it.  I just want to be me again – not infertile, habitual aborter of embryos.  It sucks but if you are here then chances are that you not only know that, but you live it.  Or you are one of my friends or family who want to know where we are in the process. 

The answer is that we are no where but moving quickly somewhere.  I hope it is colorado but if not then…..suggestions anyone?

Thank you to all who commented and gave me advice.  I love the support and I love giving it back.  If you need me, if you know someone who cannot afford IVF at all and needs meds – email me on that too. I have some gonal F that I want to donate.  Don’t think I’m going to be using it.



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