Starting….to wonder

I came across a piece of paper the other day that was supposed to have been submitted to my accountant. On it was a variety of high ticket items (4k for the pharmacy), 23K for an IVF in NYC, 300 shipping to CCRM (no normals, by the way from that one), 2 x 19,000 for the CGH cycles at CCRM and travel costs (just a few of the examples of what it has cost us financially – not to mention personally – in the attempt to have a sibling for our son). Thanks to a few great companies (both investment banks, by the way who were generous with their benefits) the cost was lessened for our other 8 tries. I believe that, when all is said and done, we have spent well over 200 grand trying to have what normal people do in bed. I feel guilty about it most of the time (hence the relentless work pace and commitment to make up for what I likely deem my failing). Thinking too much. I know it isn’t MY failure but what is it? As I ponder potentially holding one or two children inside my womb at the age of 45 I am faced with a number of really important questions. Such as, will I live long enough to see them graduate from college or even high school for that matter? Will we have enough money to support them and ensure that they are taken care of if one of us isn’t here anymore? Will I be putting their lives at risk and my own? Am I ready to do all of this again? And then I have a little boy who so desperately wants a sibling…..he laments on almost a daily basis. Little comments about how unfair it is that Michael Jackson (his new idol) had three children when he doesn’t even have one. Every comment is a little stab to my heart. I had a long talk with him – a very graphic conversation in which I explained how he we had a difficult time making babies and needed a doctor, about my miscarriage and that I have tried. I also went over the exact process of HOW a child is made (with photos) and he was very interested. I know that sounds a bit premature for a six year/almost seven year old and people have told me that it was a mistake but I disagree. Never will he have that “talk” or he discover it through school yard chit chat (as I did – to my horror “your daddy puts his thing into your mommy’s pee hole – needless to say I was disgusted, afraid of the idea for myself one day and confused). It isn’t a big deal to him and that is what I want, for him to understand that this is a normal and natural process (well, not so much for us but there you go).

So I have been thinking, and reading and wondering if I am the one who should be carrying these embryos. I have one possible person to carry and she is someone who currently works at my preschool. I could help care for her and be there for her every day. I would also miss out on the opportunity to carry my own child….my body also MIGHT kill my child with its ridiculous immune problem. So I made an appointment to see my old doctor. We don’t have a load of cash and I am running out of time but I am determined to use those embryos and give my son, my family and them a chance. I didn’t come this far to give up. I think of them all the time, what they would look like, how they would get on with their brother.

I am also sick. I am not sure what it is but my fingernails tell me. The smoothie revolution continued from last blog until about three weeks ago when we went to England and ate just about everything I never eat (meat, croissant with chocolate, cheese, cheese and more cheese). I have been at my best weight since high school for months. More on that later because I know that people will want to know how I did it. It is amazing. I feel like I reset my body for good. I had a glass of milk the other day – er with my tea and the only thing I could taste was the grass from the cow’s milk. UDDERLY disgusting. I much prefer soy but I think I need to give that up if I am going to do a January transfer.

I have an appointment with my former RE to ask him to manage my autoimmune issues. Blood work came back with elevated APA (blood clotting) and my fingernails are pitting (autoimmune). I cannot chance this not working so we are going to talk intralipid, IVig (at 3K a pop, god help me), prednisone and more. CCRM doesn’t believe in any of it but they do and I know I wouldn’t have Alex without the IVig.

If you have recurrent miscarriage – consider changing your diet and getting off the processed food chain as much as possible. I’m not going to go on a diatribe about GMOs right now.

Not much to report right now but lots more soon.

By the way, most of my family tree has longevity in it. Everyone lived into their 90s. I expect the same to happen over here so I’m going with that for now. I’ll at least get to see him or her or them until I am my age (unless I live as long as my grandmother – she died last year at 99).

I just hope they don’t put me in a home and forget to visit. ūüėČ

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Preparing for pregnancy and a smoothie for fertility (not my recipe)

Here is what I am doing for the next three months (combined with yoga, meditation and exercise – walking mainly and weight training) as I prepare for a March FET at CCRM.

‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†Taking a baby aspirin (low dose and coated)
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†Relaxing/mediation – going to a “healer” who also adjusts you as you lay there for up to three hours if you want – miracle find and so relaxing (only in ATL)
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†Acupuncture targeted at increasing fertility. I am going local and then heading to Dr. Wu in NYC (he is the best, well IMHO). ¬†I am certain implantation occurred because of him last time…

Perhaps add in L arginine during the cycle (not before) to help with lining issues, doubling up on my vitamin D (everyone is low and it is a huge issue – forget calcium this is why we have such a huge problem with osteoporosis…) ¬†On to the smoothie:
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†And last but not least, drinking¬†Lori Bregman‚Äôs¬†fertility smoothie everyday!
Image

Lori Bregman’s Fertility Smoothie

Ingredients (links are to Lori’s favorite products):
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†frozen mixed organic berries
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†almond¬†or¬†rice¬†milk
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†protein powder¬†(something natural and clean, without a lot of additives or soy)
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†2 shots of wheatgrass (I use a frozen one by¬†Evergreen, but you can use¬†powder¬†or fresh shots instead)
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†maca root powder
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†acai berry¬†
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†mixed powered greens
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†royal jelly¬†(*Do not use if you have a bee allergy)
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†bee pollen¬†(*Do not use if you have a bee allergy)
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†liquid omegas

Instructions:
Read dose/serving information on back of each product. Mix everything together in a blender. Use more or less milk to achieve a desired consistency.

What it all Does: 
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†Powdered Greens, berries and acai: Feed and promote healthy cell growth and help nourish the blood.
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†Wheat grass: Lowers FSH levels, nourishes cells, helps restore hormone balance, and helps alkaline your PH levels, which makes it better for sperm to live in.
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†Maca root: Nourishes the entire endocrine system, enhances fertility and brings hormones into balance. Also increases sex drive, vitality and gives you tons of energy.
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†Royal jelly: Balances hormones, supports the endocrine system, helps raise estrogen levels in women, and helps increase sperm quality and testosterone levels in men.
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†Bee pollen: Contains high levels of vitamins, acts as a natural aphrodisiac, nourishes the ovaries, increases fertility, regulates the menstrual cycle and helps produce healthy eggs in women, and increases sperm count in men.
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†Protein powder: Repairs and builds healthy tissues.
‚Äʬ†¬† ¬†Liquid omegas: Helps stabilize your moods, lowers inflammation in the body, increases blood flow to the uterus, regulates the menstrual cycle, ovulation, and cervical mucus in women, and increases sperm mobility in men.

If anyone has other ideas for FET prep or pregnancy prep for all ages or specific doctors, make a comment to help others…

2013 is going to be the year….we are in waiting mode

My posting has been erratic at best, I apologize. ¬†There is only so much you can say about having nothing to say….but now I do. ¬†I’m gearing up for a transfer and I need help. ¬†Your help. ¬†YOURS? ¬†Yes, yours. ¬†I am at my wits end about how many to transfer. ¬†I’m terrified of two things – getting pregnant with twins and not getting pregnant at all. ¬†My history with Alex included preterm labor but I had a lot of stress around the time it all went down (husband lost job). ¬†I now have FIVE GAZILLION amounts more stress (own a preschool – hello!?!). ¬†I literally have children that I look after and over all day long and I fret. ¬†I am a little “type A” as my husband says. ¬†Ya think? ¬†These kids are someone’s entire life and you better believe that a boo boo or bite or whatever happens in the course of the day is something I’m involved with – I also love being around them which isn’t great since I’m CMV negative (that is for another day). ¬†But I’m going to be 45 and with two CGH normals – one 5AB and the other 4BB – I have a good chance of both implanting. ¬†I think my son was a lower quality embryo and developed slower but the 5AB is a great shot and it is a girl and the 4BB a boy. ¬†I also worry that if one works then how can I go back for the other? ¬†I’ll be 50 ¬†by the time my body recovers and I just can’t do that – already 45 feels a bit old to be doing this. ¬†Anyway, I am going to do it. ¬†My DH and I have been having stress arguments. It is normal, I know but not helpful. ¬†He seems to think I should just put them both back in but doesn’t understand that means I will be laying around for 9 months (not running a preschool). ¬†Oi vey.

So how many? ¬†My gut says do an ESET with the higher quality first (the girl) and then if life is so kind as to give us the means to afford a surrogate, we go for the 4BB a year after she is born. ¬†That feels weird and freaky to say so let’s just hope I didn’t jinx myself. ¬†

I’ve always thought I’d have three kids and well, who knows. ¬†I just hope it works. ¬†Something about finally doing it is making me a little unhinged. ¬†It feels so final and what if it does not work? ¬†I have no plan B.

So what do you think, internets?  Should I transfer both?  I did carry to full term even if I was 4cm dilated for about 5 months.  

I am also concerned that the CGH process is going to hurt them – and I’m concerned about my age – although my OBGYN told met hat if I get pregnant it is the same odd as a younger person because a muscle is a muscle and mine has proven to work once. ¬†Whatever the heck that meant, to be honest. ¬†Muscles fail too, you old goat. ¬†MUST.ONLY.SEE.A.WOMAN.GYNO.

Oh and I recently had a huge scare with a lump Рthat was handled poorly and made me nearly jump off the bridge.  Thankfully it is all normal Рso far.  

Lastly, I have an UP band which is an annoying little wrist bandt hat tells you how much sleep, what you are eating and how deep you sleep, etc. ¬†It basically is ruling my world right now. I’ve lost a few pounds since its arrival on Christmas so I guess I like it. ¬†Actually, for what it is going to help me do (have a baby, I hope) it is a fantastic thing and great motivation. ¬†It even buzzes me if I don’t do anything for over 10 minutes. ¬†I guess that is the definition of lazy – not moving your hand for 10 minutes. ¬†Right.

Over to you – help!!!! ¬†I’m looking at a mid March transfer if I can get grumpy husband to agree to all the malarky involved (the trip out, the blood and the cost). ¬†It has to be done and hell, I’m doing all the work. ¬†Decisions.

Happy New Year, Readers. ¬†I promise to be a little more interesting in 2013. ¬†This has been a weird year. ¬†Next year I’m going to rock and roll and i hope you do to (whatever that means to you). ¬†Now off to make an appt in my calendar to schedule an appt with Schoolcraft. ¬†That might take a minute or two (or a week or two). ¬†Onward and upward!

Just when you thought nothing could surprise you…

I’ve been debating posting what I have on my mind. I’ve really thought long and hard about it (yes, I’ll get to it but there is a back story so indulge, please and thank you). I’ve had a pretty horrible few years months. I’ve not told anyone about all of the things bothering me. In fact, I’ve kept almost everything to myself for so long that I’ve become used to it. This blog is about as close as I get to spilling my guts about what is really bothering me and most of you have no idea who I am (er, I suppose).

Let me backtrack…

I went to visit my husband’s family for three weeks in June. It was the first real holiday I’ve had in three years and I REALLY needed it. ¬† This has been a challenging year for many reasons not just waiting for the doctor to approve my chosen surrogate. ¬† I was hoping to relax, recharge and hopefully come back to the great news that Dr. Schoolcraft had approved my surrogate after the “difficult cases” meeting and that our journey could begin. I was rather sure AND as my husband said after reading the pleading letter to the good doctor “there is no way he won’t be moved by that” or something of that nature. ¬†I had pretty much secured the loan from our credit union for most of the costs, I was set. The IS (intended surrogate) was getting a little tired of waiting and I didn’t blame her. But knew that it would crush me and ruin my one chance to rest after a hard few years. ¬†I didn’t think three weeks would make much of a difference and knew that a calmer me would make me able to deal with whatever the decision was with a clearer head. ¬† ¬†So I went to the UK blissfully unaware that meetings had been had in Colorado and fates had been sealed. Who knows, they hadn’t called me back despite a few phone calls and emails so I assume that is what was going on. I certainly was not going to have ¬†another hundred or so dollars to talk to him again (plus the 8 dollar phone call charge – love that touch). ¬† I try not to think of the money we’ve spent so far and the phone calls….which have been about 2 minutes long. ¬†What is the hourly rate for that? ¬†A million dollars an hour?

I digress.

So I went to the UK and had a fantastically craptastic time thanks to some work drama. ¬†The highlight was going to Paris for the night, eating a chocolate ice cream cone and working off the calories (and almost dying of heart failure) trying to keep up with my 5 year old ball of energy who literally ran up the Eiffel tower to the first level. ¬†Let me say that the Eiffel Tower is a big deal at my school. ¬†We talk about it a lot. ¬†We draw pictures of the steeple at our school (we reside in a church) and the kids love imagining it with all the lights on it at night. ¬†I have little replicas that they love to hold. ¬†My son was a ROCKSTAR at school for going up the Eiffel Tower so it was worth it….even if I cried all the way down and back on the Eurostar….imagining horrible things that never happened, arguing with my husband over almost everything and nothing and missing my friend who died last year. ¬†You know, the one person you have in your life that you can call and talk to for a few hours and you both walk away from the call having unloaded and feeling like you connected with another person who gets it? ¬†He was that person for me. ¬†I know I’m all ¬†over the place but I just needed him at that moment and well, now….and I don’t have him or anything like him anymore. ¬† ¬†Enough with the pity party. ¬†I’ll be fine, I just get sad sometimes and talk to the air imagining he is here and listening (minus his incredibly catty stories about people we know from high school and who is now gay and who is divorcing and….you know, a little harmless gossip with an old friend). ¬† He was gay, for the record and when he died we hadn’t talked because I was so busy, I didn’t return his few calls. ¬†Not because I didn’t care, I was too busy working to save my family. ¬†Another blog post… another regret.

God help me I will get to the point.

So I get back to the US and solve a few of my pending problems, get the news from CCRM, digest it. tell the surrogate via FB (because I could not speak I was so upset)… ¬†A few weeks go by and I’m thinking about how perhaps I could try one transfer with me and then move the other embryo to a clinic (my husband’s wishes) and transfer to her.

Then Aurora happens and I immediately look to see if she is OK (on FB – she lives in that vicinity) and she is gone. ¬†Poof. ¬†She blocked me. ¬†She erased me from her life. ¬†My husband was very relieved that we didn’t proceed further with someone who clearly didn’t see us as anything more than dollar signs…I took it a bit harder.. ¬†I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. ¬†The idea of someone carrying a child for me wasn’t easy. ¬†I had pangs and yearnings and questions but I made peace with it because of her. ¬†I also felt a connection to her and knew she would care for my children (if they do turn into children but with a normal CGH embryo made a few years ago, you have a good chance in the right womb).

The person that I almost let carry my children blocked me on facebook.  Just.Like.THAT.

If that isn’t a kick in the pants, I don’t know what is. ¬†All I can say is I hope she isn’t following me. ¬†Fool me once and I get the picture. ¬†I’ve now learned that life is not only about choices but also how you react to the choices of others.

I just keep on thinking…what if she had my children living inside of her and blocked me. ¬†What if, what if, what if.

Maybe I have a guardian angel. ¬†I don’t know.

Let me leave you with the good news – my period is back again. ¬†Heavy too. ¬†I think I am going to build a lining, folks. ¬†I think I’m going to do this myself. ¬†Soon. ¬†44 and pregnant. ¬†Think I’d get a reality TV show? ¬†Good LORD, my friends from high school are having grandchildren now.

Enough counting chickens.

The End of Post 125

‚ô•

Stop the presses. That is if I have any readers left.

I’m just terrible with this blog. I started it to get my feelings out while I travel down the lonely road of infertility. I have been waiting and watching as friends have babies, as they give birth, have sibling for their children and I remain stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Time is ticking. My periods have long since gone. Menopause? I’m not sure. I think my body just can’t ovulate. I’ve been under so much pressure and I don’t take good care of myself. I forget to eat. Sometimes I don’t know what day it is. I started a preschool. I might have mentioned that but….it was the hardest thing I ever did but also I have never been happier. I have kids who give me hugs, who love me and the love flows right back. I’ve been so happy lately even though I work very hard and have little time for me. I was sitting in the Inverness Hotel in 2009, reading a book about the importance of education in the first five years of life. I glanced from my 3000 dollars of meds, to the syringe I just used to make my follicles grow, back to the book and then came the idea. A preschool. If I have one child…well, at least I’ll know what he is learning AND I will have dozens of children to love. So I am very happy but also the big fat void remains. The siblings on ice. The would be siblings except, my womb is over it. I can’t get it to grow. I have not tried again but I know. I’ve been friends (randomly) with a woman who has been a surrogate in the past. We started talking and one day I thought….well, why don’t I ask her. To my utter delight she agreed to be my surrogate. I cannot tell you what a dream come true this is for me. She is without a doubt a thoughtful, caring and loving person but get this, she wants to be a part of my child’s life. An Auntie for lack of a better word. That is just the icing on the cake. I would so love to share my child with a sister but sadly I have only a brother. He loves my son but there is nothing like an aunt that just loves you to pieces. I am one of those types of Aunties and, well, I just hope she will love my son as much. Hold on, no baby yet but we are hoping that this is what my embryos need. A womb that is proven to give life unlike mine. I say this without a hint of sadness. The only thing I worry about is that she will somehow be harmed by the process. If both were to take I would worry about her carrying twins, the burden on her and her family. So I may try to see if my uterus will grow enough to have a double transfer of the embryos. The higher quality for her and the lesser quality for me. Schoolcraft suggested that I transfer both to her and told me “why waste one”….as if he knows that I can’t carry another child. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn. We are in the middle of waiting for his approval. So that is the news. I feel happy, worried, stressed…but somewhat relieved that there is a plan and we have the right person on the team. I don’t think there could be a better person to carry my child (ren) than this woman…she really cares and I know would do the right thing. She is ethical, honest, caring, devoted and I think I could learn a thing or two about organization from her. And I love her already. She gave me hope again. For that I owe her so much already…

To be continued!

Vivelle Dots.

What the f? Sorry. I’m just stumped. These are not dots. They are sheets of plastic with adhesive and estrogen. What is with the dots thing?

I have one on me. Assuming it is making its way into my bloodstream to get my pathetic lining to grow.

Yep, I nagged good old Dr. S to let me do a mock lining check locally. New doc (who I LOVE) will do a hysteroscopy and I don’t care if I spelled that wrong. It is late and I am so cranky. I digress, so we are going to check out the uterus, make sure there are no more traces of ashermans and that my ovaries look OK and that the lining is developing and then I am putting these embryos back in. I’m in the middle of a secret adventure and I want to share but I can’t – suffice it to say that it is really stressful. Combine that with the fact that my husband’s job fired him. FIRED! He is a Managing Director and they made things up. They actually fired him for poor performance when this guy brought in 12 million dollars last year. But they don’t really know what we have here. The kind of trouble they are about to get in for lying is just amazing. I wish I could elaborate but I can’t. Normally I would like to just walk away from this but not when they essentially prevent my husband from working in the industry he has worked in for 20 years. So, there will be justice. And it is going to be painful for them. The law was broken and we have some proof. Oh do I wish I could just write it all out! But suffice it to say that when I am involved, I make sure that we cross every T and dot every i because I saw this coming.

So my little adventure has to keep us alive.

I’m scared but I know, I truly know that we will succeed.

One day at a time.

Get me through the transfer, let there be another baby and who cares about the rest. The world will open up and we will be happy again. It has been so long. Wow, I’m excited thinking about happy and us in the same sentence.

I do love my family so very much….now I just want to give my son his sibling. It is time.