Changes

I couldn’t take the green. The fact that it is Christmas/holiday time and I obsess more about the color of my blog than I do making the sugar cookies (which is my job in life, right?) shows you that I am dreading what is to come. Not Christmas. That is magic – the getting on the flight, 9 hours with a toddler, the foreign land we shall be visiting, the cold, the dreary and the fact that I cannot be in a bad mood for one entire week. That is a hard thing for me to do – especially when I am around people 24/7. I sound like a whining little brat but I crave and adore solitude. Complete silence. Nothing to do but read, or bathe, or organize my socks, or learn a new web gadget, or create something. I miss having hours and hours of time to let my mind wander or create a project. It is a luxury now whereas it used to be how I lived. Back when I was living in NYC and single, of course. Back when I was writing songs and felt like every day was a new beginning.

I wanted this – my child, my husband, these pups and cat and house but I also miss the person I was. I miss writing and creating and I feel like I have to find a way to bring that back into my life again. Finding the time is the hard part. It is also very hard to know when that great, magical idea is going to come. Like a lyric to a song or a chorus or a melody. They just used to come and they don’t anymore….except when I have those wide open spaces of time which, if all goes to plan, I won’t have for a very long time. Trying to add to your family only creates more chaos so how do I figure that one out? Somehow. I have to.

My husband has golf. He loves going out there for hours at a time. I wish he could understand that silence and breathing space makes me feel the same way as he does hitting a ball. But, we are very different beings – male and female. And being creative is a bit of curse – nobody pays you millions to make a flower out of clay for your niece…or knit a scarf for your dear friend’s new baby or….oh GOD help me I have to create another post to devote to my latest project. I’m in way over my head. So help….someone! Mommy!!!!!!

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