Edited to add that I just read through some comments and saw that someone asked me to talk more about L Arginine. Well, I did simply because I saw that there was a search term and wanted to warn anyone about potential problems. That was just ME. It might help you out but I know that if you have lining issues there are studies that show tamoxifen can help and so can viagra. I’ll look for that information for anyone it can help and post later..
So, as anyone who has read this blog knows, I have two healthy embryos in storage. I know their sexes (I can’t say how but I do – sex of a child means nothing, believe me – I’d be equally thrilled with a boy or a girl….but I do know that I have one of each on ice. It was a slip of the tongue, so to speak but I caught it). Enough of that. After my last lining got to around a 7 and change, I cancelled myself and flew home. I would not proceed without an 8 or even a 9 even if it was triple stripe. Always ask about your lining (exact measurements) and do not transfer if you aren’t at an 8. I know plenty of people get pregnant with thinner linings (like me – but it ended in sad news – for me that is -a normal female). Back to l arginine. I started taking it for a number of months. About three months ago I started having awful pains. Terrible pains. I had an upper GI and a colonoscopy and nothing. Then an ultrasound showed inflammation in my pancreas. I was scared out of my mind. I had a CAT scan and they found nothing. I stopped the L Arginine and Vitamin E….and the pain went away. I read quite a bit and it seems that l arginine can cause pancreatic inflammation. So I wanted to throw that out there as another thing to be aware. I’d do anything to be able to carry but not if it is going to further mess with my chances at surviving to mother my existing child and hopefully his sibling or siblings. I think I’ll blog more. I don’t really talk much about what is going on with our quest for a sibling. My husband and I don’t even really talk about it. I think we both feel backed into the corner with one last hope. If that fails, I don’t know what I will do. I seriously don’t and that is the worst thing of all. I’ve always had a plan. I just can’t emphasize enough – if you want to have a child, go to a great doctor. Don’t mess around with a smaller clinic with horrible stats. Go where they are having success. If I had gone to CCRM in 2008, I would not be writing this blog still. Or I would not be writing about the empty crib in our nursery. I’d be done. But I tooled around with local REs and here we are….live and learn. I could have gone to college, became an MD, bought all of the equipment to conduct my own invitro by now with the money we’ve spent (not to mention the money we are going to spend). I can’t even thing about it….thank God for credit unions.
That was a lot of viewing today. Where in the heck did everyone come from? Did y’all subscribe? Ha. I wrote Y’all. Shoot me.
Still, I can’t believe so many people read my little update. Only my mom an a few friends know about the surrogacy. I guess many I should tell the others but I’m trying not to jinx it. I’m still wondering if I should try to transfer one to me. I still think I could do it if I could convince CCRM to give me tamoxifen. Yes, that is what my former RE told me that he does for women who will not form a proper lining. Sounds contrary to the goal if I know how tamoxifen works but he told me that trials have shown that it makes people bleed. He told me that in one instance his patient went from having no more than a lining of 2mm to 10mm. If this works, why can’t I have it? Why should a pill come between me and the goal? I have the IVIG waiting, I need to get it into my veins, that is it. Oh I don’t know. I just can’t make up my mind on this one. I’m terrified of the GS getting hurt (this would be her third set of twins). She has kids of her own. What if something awful happened to anyone? I just don’t want to stress her. Ok, two blogs for one day is enough. Especially when one is so happy I sound like a fruitcake and the next I’m clearly unstable.
Call me tired. Thanks for reading. Now that I know you actually do read, I’ll post more…I have been reading about DNA fingerprinting which would make it possible to accurately predict which embryos are compatible with life. The study I saw was 100 percent of the test group with DNA fingerprinting went on to have a child. The other group, nobody got pregnant. Of course this is a big business so don’t expect this to be starting at your local IVF clinic any time soon. Hell, if I can find out how to do it and win the lottery (it would help if I played), I will open up a clinic with free DNA fingerprinting. The cost for IVF will be the cost of materials and the doctor’s time – I bet that would be 3K a cycle…..max.
I’m just terrible with this blog. I started it to get my feelings out while I travel down the lonely road of infertility. I have been waiting and watching as friends have babies, as they give birth, have sibling for their children and I remain stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Time is ticking. My periods have long since gone. Menopause? I’m not sure. I think my body just can’t ovulate. I’ve been under so much pressure and I don’t take good care of myself. I forget to eat. Sometimes I don’t know what day it is. I started a preschool. I might have mentioned that but….it was the hardest thing I ever did but also I have never been happier. I have kids who give me hugs, who love me and the love flows right back. I’ve been so happy lately even though I work very hard and have little time for me. I was sitting in the Inverness Hotel in 2009, reading a book about the importance of education in the first five years of life. I glanced from my 3000 dollars of meds, to the syringe I just used to make my follicles grow, back to the book and then came the idea. A preschool. If I have one child…well, at least I’ll know what he is learning AND I will have dozens of children to love. So I am very happy but also the big fat void remains. The siblings on ice. The would be siblings except, my womb is over it. I can’t get it to grow. I have not tried again but I know. I’ve been friends (randomly) with a woman who has been a surrogate in the past. We started talking and one day I thought….well, why don’t I ask her. To my utter delight she agreed to be my surrogate. I cannot tell you what a dream come true this is for me. She is without a doubt a thoughtful, caring and loving person but get this, she wants to be a part of my child’s life. An Auntie for lack of a better word. That is just the icing on the cake. I would so love to share my child with a sister but sadly I have only a brother. He loves my son but there is nothing like an aunt that just loves you to pieces. I am one of those types of Aunties and, well, I just hope she will love my son as much. Hold on, no baby yet but we are hoping that this is what my embryos need. A womb that is proven to give life unlike mine. I say this without a hint of sadness. The only thing I worry about is that she will somehow be harmed by the process. If both were to take I would worry about her carrying twins, the burden on her and her family. So I may try to see if my uterus will grow enough to have a double transfer of the embryos. The higher quality for her and the lesser quality for me. Schoolcraft suggested that I transfer both to her and told me “why waste one”….as if he knows that I can’t carry another child. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn. We are in the middle of waiting for his approval. So that is the news. I feel happy, worried, stressed…but somewhat relieved that there is a plan and we have the right person on the team. I don’t think there could be a better person to carry my child (ren) than this woman…she really cares and I know would do the right thing. She is ethical, honest, caring, devoted and I think I could learn a thing or two about organization from her. And I love her already. She gave me hope again. For that I owe her so much already…
To be continued!