5 weeks 5 days

I don’t know – am I? I thought I was 6 weeks tomorrow but who am I to argue with my RE? Sorry for the lengthy absence but I’ve had nothing to say. In times of stress I tend to retreat and shut everyone out.

I was doing fine, actually. I fully intended to wait until Friday the 5th of December for my ultrasound but…I woke up this morning and scheduled an ultrasound. I KNEW it was too early but my curiosity and nervousness got the better of me. And, as expected, there was no heartbeat. All that could be seen was a gestational sac and a yolk sac. My RE assured me that this was completely normal and that early ultrasounds are discouraged for this very reason – it just causes more stress. He instructed the nurses to prohibit me from having another ultrasound until next week – which made me laugh. When I quizzed him about my need to do IVF in the future (I mean…IUI did work and IVF did not) he told me that I basically got lucky (I’m not sure I agree with him but that is another story). Then he rolled his eyes and reminded me that I should focus on the good news and not start planning for the failure.

Before some wise ass tells me to “think positive” and stop being so negative – I would like to say just one thing. It is easier to fall from a chair than a cloud. I read this on my IVF message board and couldn’t agree more. So back off and understand that my negative thinking is protective. Thanks. And to all my friends who call and email and worry about me – I’m fine. I just don’t feel like talking about it. I’ll be back soon, I promise.

My next ultrasound is scheduled for a week from today – Monday. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to keep my mind occupied but considering I have a very active toddler, I’m sure it won’t be hard.

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My betas with Alex

Seems to me that this pregnancy is looking very similar to Alex’s betas.

These are Alex’s number:
11dpo 12
15dpo 51
18dpo 196
21dpo 1300
25 dpo 6100
29dpo 16,000

This pregnancy:
13 dpo 35
15 dpo 78
20 dpo 972

By tomorrow I should be at 1400 or so.

15 dpo

So the beta HCG rose to 78. More than doubled by 8 points. I’m happy. Sure a lot could go wrong but we are off to a decent start. I bought about 100 dollars worth of pregnancy tests – much to my husband’s chagrin. They weren’t a total waste of money, though – I was able to see the progression and the darkening of the second line which told me that the HCG was indeed increasing – and that saved a lot of tears and agony (I’ll post a photo of them soon for all those who search for such things).

I’m still exhausted and hungry all the time but I can manage that – the idea that IVF and all its trapping might be a thing of the past just seems too good to be true!

I had a wonderful conversation with Dr. Schoolcraft yesterday. I’ll post more about that later – for now, I’m going to try to take a nap.

Thanks for checking in – still kinda shocked that some 50 – 100 of you actually read a blog that deals with news about my boobs and ovaries.

14 dpo

The torture is never ending.

Last night I peed on another stick. Line came up after a minute or so slightly darker than the previous day. When I spoke to the nurse she told me that an HPT would be show a light line with a beta level of 35. The line was indeed light. At 4:30am I tested again – right after I peed on the stick I noticed the blood. Not a lot but definitely red – by 7am it had turned to brown. Implantation bleeding? I had that with Alex so wouldn’t be surprising.

I peed on yet another stick while talking to my friend John. Yes, he is one of THOSE kinds of friends. A good one. He proved to be a lucky charm – the line was instantly darker – in fact, it is the same color as the control. So something is either growing or trying to grow.

My consult with Dr. Schoolcraft is tonight.

OK one more..

I’m writing this cycle off.  Sad as I am to do it – I just have to be realistic.  This is 50/50 at this point and I have a shitty track record.  It only took me about 2 hours of gut wrenching sadness (yes, the time in between these posts) and now I’m ready to go again.  On Wed we’ll know for sure.  Until then – I have to get about 70 pages of medical records and a photo of C and me to CCRM.  I realized – C and I have barely any photos of ourselves since our wedding…together.  This makes me really sad – we’ve been so preoccupied with trying to have babies and with our son that I think we forgot about each other.  We have to change that.

And I suddenly realized – I have this beautiful little boy who is asleep in his crib and I’m not enjoying him to the fullest extent because I am trying so hard to give him a sibling.  The truth be told, I’d love another child but this process has been so hard – at this point I am doing this only for him.  Because we are older parents and I cannot bear the idea that something would happen to us and he would be all alone.

At 4:30 this morning Alex woke up and came into our bed and would not go back to sleep.  He kept hugging both of us  saying “my momma, my dadda”.  At one point he kept giving me nose kisses – which I didn’t really appreciate at the time.  His father got him to go to sleep by holding him close to his face – Alex kept stroking C’s cheek until he fell asleep.

We are so lucky and maybe I need to refocus on that and….I won’t give up but maybe I need to put this all in perspective.  The point is to enjoy my family – not torture myself because it doesn’t look the way I think it should right now.img_4274

So it goes like this

I tested on Friday at 10 dpo.  The test was super faint.  I used a First Response Early Result – last time I had a super faint HPT at 10 dpo (also on a Friday) my beta hcg was 12.  By Tuesday my level had reached 51 and pregnancy resulted in my son.  Today my beta was at 35 which would mean we want to see anything above 65 or so on Wednesday.

I can’t beta hell.  It could go either way.  When I woke up this morning it felt like my breasts weren’t as heavy and I still felt nauseated but not as much as I had the day before.  I could be wrong – but I haven’t been so far.

I have a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft tomorrow from CCRM in Colorado.  I’ll just focus my energy on the next cycle and hopefully be pleasantly surprised with this one.

how to become a janitor

Honestly – how do search terms like this lead one to my blog?

I feel like a janitor – I often look like a janitor but there is no information here that will help you become a janitor (a good one anyway).

I gave blood today.  I felt ill the entire time.

I should have a beta hcg number this afternoon – which I will promptly post.  Either way I will stress – if it is too low I am going to think that something is on its way out.  If it is too high – I’m going to stress about high order multiples.

In all honesty, I’m starting to feel like this cycle won’t work – simply because it cannot be this easy..