It doesn’t get much worse…

Typical me….I just had to keep digging. I booked an ultrasound with a fetal medicine group this am (outside of my doctor’s care). I just didn’t feel comfortable with the results I’d been given – especially with regard to the sac size. I mean, you don’t have to be a genius to see that this embryo is running out of room. When they did the scan they discovered that the baby had grown (and yes, I’ll call it a baby because that is what it is to me) which was good news but the sac had not grown. In fact, the baby and the sac are measuring the same. This is a horrible prognosis – 80/90 percent of pregnancies with this result end in miscarriage. The baby simply does not have enough room to grow and loses its heartbeat. I think the Dr. at this practice was a bit relieved that I knew all about the prognosis and was able to discuss it in a matter of fact way. It was only when I thought about all I’ve been through in the past year and the idea that in the next few days this baby will die inside of me…that is when I started to cry and couldn’t stop. I felt worse for the doctor – it can’t be easy for them to sit and watch some stranger fall to pieces.

I’ll be ok now that I have the facts. I can stop hoping and prepare myself for the worst. I honestly thought the getting pregnant part would be my only struggle – I didn’t in my wildest imagination believe that I’d be faced with this kind of predicament…waiting for this much hoped for, much love child to simply die inside of me and there is not a thing I can do about it.

I hope I’m wrong but….the odds are stacked against me. I’ll post on Monday when I have the ultrasound at my RE’s office.

You know what the worst thing about all of this is? Most of the embryos that have this happen to them are normal. Fuck.

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5 weeks 5 days

I don’t know – am I? I thought I was 6 weeks tomorrow but who am I to argue with my RE? Sorry for the lengthy absence but I’ve had nothing to say. In times of stress I tend to retreat and shut everyone out.

I was doing fine, actually. I fully intended to wait until Friday the 5th of December for my ultrasound but…I woke up this morning and scheduled an ultrasound. I KNEW it was too early but my curiosity and nervousness got the better of me. And, as expected, there was no heartbeat. All that could be seen was a gestational sac and a yolk sac. My RE assured me that this was completely normal and that early ultrasounds are discouraged for this very reason – it just causes more stress. He instructed the nurses to prohibit me from having another ultrasound until next week – which made me laugh. When I quizzed him about my need to do IVF in the future (I mean…IUI did work and IVF did not) he told me that I basically got lucky (I’m not sure I agree with him but that is another story). Then he rolled his eyes and reminded me that I should focus on the good news and not start planning for the failure.

Before some wise ass tells me to “think positive” and stop being so negative – I would like to say just one thing. It is easier to fall from a chair than a cloud. I read this on my IVF message board and couldn’t agree more. So back off and understand that my negative thinking is protective. Thanks. And to all my friends who call and email and worry about me – I’m fine. I just don’t feel like talking about it. I’ll be back soon, I promise.

My next ultrasound is scheduled for a week from today – Monday. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to keep my mind occupied but considering I have a very active toddler, I’m sure it won’t be hard.