L arginine

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Edited to add that I just read through some comments and saw that someone asked me to talk more about L Arginine. Well, I did simply because I saw that there was a search term and wanted to warn anyone about potential problems. That was just ME. It might help you out but I know that if you have lining issues there are studies that show tamoxifen can help and so can viagra. I’ll look for that information for anyone it can help and post later..

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So, as anyone who has read this blog knows, I have two healthy embryos in storage. I know their sexes (I can’t say how but I do – sex of a child means nothing, believe me – I’d be equally thrilled with a boy or a girl….but I do know that I have one of each on ice. It was a slip of the tongue, so to speak but I caught it). Enough of that. After my last lining got to around a 7 and change, I cancelled myself and flew home. I would not proceed without an 8 or even a 9 even if it was triple stripe. Always ask about your lining (exact measurements) and do not transfer if you aren’t at an 8. I know plenty of people get pregnant with thinner linings (like me – but it ended in sad news – for me that is -a normal female). Back to l arginine. I started taking it for a number of months. About three months ago I started having awful pains. Terrible pains. I had an upper GI and a colonoscopy and nothing. Then an ultrasound showed inflammation in my pancreas. I was scared out of my mind. I had a CAT scan and they found nothing. I stopped the L Arginine and Vitamin E….and the pain went away. I read quite a bit and it seems that l arginine can cause pancreatic inflammation. So I wanted to throw that out there as another thing to be aware. I’d do anything to be able to carry but not if it is going to further mess with my chances at surviving to mother my existing child and hopefully his sibling or siblings. I think I’ll blog more. I don’t really talk much about what is going on with our quest for a sibling. My husband and I don’t even really talk about it. I think we both feel backed into the corner with one last hope. If that fails, I don’t know what I will do. I seriously don’t and that is the worst thing of all. I’ve always had a plan. I just can’t emphasize enough – if you want to have a child, go to a great doctor. Don’t mess around with a smaller clinic with horrible stats. Go where they are having success. If I had gone to CCRM in 2008, I would not be writing this blog still. Or I would not be writing about the empty crib in our nursery. I’d be done. But I tooled around with local REs and here we are….live and learn. I could have gone to college, became an MD, bought all of the equipment to conduct my own invitro by now with the money we’ve spent (not to mention the money we are going to spend). I can’t even thing about it….thank God for credit unions.

Wow…

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That was a lot of viewing today.  Where in the heck did everyone come from?  Did y’all subscribe?  Ha.  I wrote Y’all.  Shoot me.  

Still, I can’t believe so many people read my little update.  Only my mom an a few friends know about the surrogacy.  I guess many I should tell the others but I’m trying not to jinx it.  I’m still wondering if I should try to transfer one to me.  I still think I could do it if I could convince CCRM to give me tamoxifen.  Yes, that is what my former RE told me that he does for women who will not form a proper lining.  Sounds contrary to the goal if I know how tamoxifen works but he told me that trials have shown that it makes people bleed.  He told me that in one instance his patient went from having no more than a lining of 2mm to 10mm.  If this works, why can’t I have it?  Why should a pill come between me and the goal?  I have the IVIG waiting, I need to get it into my veins, that is it.  Oh I don’t know.  I just can’t make up my mind on this one. I’m terrified of the GS getting hurt (this would be her third set of twins).  She has kids of her own.  What if something awful happened to anyone?  I just don’t want to stress her.  Ok, two blogs for one day is enough.   Especially when one is so happy I sound like a fruitcake and the next I’m clearly unstable.

 

Call me tired.  Thanks for reading.  Now that I know you actually do read, I’ll post more…I have been reading about DNA fingerprinting which would make it possible to accurately predict which embryos are compatible with life.  The study I saw was 100 percent of the test group with DNA fingerprinting went on to have a child.  The other group, nobody got pregnant.  Of course this is a big business so don’t expect this to be starting at your local IVF clinic any time soon.  Hell, if I can find out how to do it and win the lottery (it would help if I played), I will open up a clinic with free DNA fingerprinting.  The cost for IVF will be the cost of materials and the doctor’s time – I bet that would be 3K a cycle…..max.

Stop the presses. That is if I have any readers left.

Posted in CCRM, infertility, IVF, IVF # 9, Surrogacy by

I’m just terrible with this blog. I started it to get my feelings out while I travel down the lonely road of infertility. I have been waiting and watching as friends have babies, as they give birth, have sibling for their children and I remain stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Time is ticking. My periods have long since gone. Menopause? I’m not sure. I think my body just can’t ovulate. I’ve been under so much pressure and I don’t take good care of myself. I forget to eat. Sometimes I don’t know what day it is. I started a preschool. I might have mentioned that but….it was the hardest thing I ever did but also I have never been happier. I have kids who give me hugs, who love me and the love flows right back. I’ve been so happy lately even though I work very hard and have little time for me. I was sitting in the Inverness Hotel in 2009, reading a book about the importance of education in the first five years of life. I glanced from my 3000 dollars of meds, to the syringe I just used to make my follicles grow, back to the book and then came the idea. A preschool. If I have one child…well, at least I’ll know what he is learning AND I will have dozens of children to love. So I am very happy but also the big fat void remains. The siblings on ice. The would be siblings except, my womb is over it. I can’t get it to grow. I have not tried again but I know. I’ve been friends (randomly) with a woman who has been a surrogate in the past. We started talking and one day I thought….well, why don’t I ask her. To my utter delight she agreed to be my surrogate. I cannot tell you what a dream come true this is for me. She is without a doubt a thoughtful, caring and loving person but get this, she wants to be a part of my child’s life. An Auntie for lack of a better word. That is just the icing on the cake. I would so love to share my child with a sister but sadly I have only a brother. He loves my son but there is nothing like an aunt that just loves you to pieces. I am one of those types of Aunties and, well, I just hope she will love my son as much. Hold on, no baby yet but we are hoping that this is what my embryos need. A womb that is proven to give life unlike mine. I say this without a hint of sadness. The only thing I worry about is that she will somehow be harmed by the process. If both were to take I would worry about her carrying twins, the burden on her and her family. So I may try to see if my uterus will grow enough to have a double transfer of the embryos. The higher quality for her and the lesser quality for me. Schoolcraft suggested that I transfer both to her and told me “why waste one”….as if he knows that I can’t carry another child. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn. We are in the middle of waiting for his approval. So that is the news. I feel happy, worried, stressed…but somewhat relieved that there is a plan and we have the right person on the team. I don’t think there could be a better person to carry my child (ren) than this woman…she really cares and I know would do the right thing. She is ethical, honest, caring, devoted and I think I could learn a thing or two about organization from her. And I love her already. She gave me hope again. For that I owe her so much already…

To be continued!

Sidelined (I benched myself!). Thin lining.

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I left you all hanging! So sorry!!!! My lining grew to a measly 7 mm. Triple stripe. Doctor suggested I move forward but I canceled. I’m now going to try again in September. I spoke to my old RE who suggested tamoxifen to help build uterine linings (I cannot believe this is happening but may explain why I keep miscarrying). I’m a little surprised that I was told to go ahead with a thin lining. My new nurse encouraged me to trust the doctor but it wasn’t Schoolcraft on duty so I just decided to trust my gut. My old nurse, when I went in to tell her my feelings that I should not proceed with a thin lining, told me that she agreed and that she thinks I can do better.

So there you go. The truth is, I’m in no shape to be pregnant. Too much stress and even though it has nothing to do with getting pregnant, it does have something to do with staying pregnant. I’ve started taking Vitamin E and L-arginine as there is study that shows improvement with linings and addition of these supplements (and vaginal viagra but the doctor won’t give it to me). I’m going to ask about tamoxifen….we’ll see. I also started B complex and noticed an immediate change to my anxiety (especially morning anxiety – can you imagine waking up at 6:30am and feeling like you need a xanax…it isn’t fun).

Thanks for checking in on me and I appreciate the comments and notes. I wish life was a bit easier but it just isn’t.

I encourage anyone who is going through IF to always trust your gut, research until your eyes hurt and know your body. Do not put your faith and trust in any doctor as YOU know your body best and if you don’t – get to know it. That is the best advice I could give anyone and wish I knew this ten years ago.

Transfer time

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Lining close to 8 and growing. CCRM seem to be the master of dropping balls these days. Hello? Toooooo big. Big money maker, eh? Well doctors, this is my last shot so you better hope you give me some attention. I cannot believe the number of times my new nurse has lost my annual or couldn’t find one if the 500 consents I sign and fax as a part time job. I want this over as much as I want it to work for a number of reasons. A is adamant that he will have a brother and a sister. He even got the name right…snake we have not uttered since he was in utero.

So I am going to be poked and prodded and try not to think about work. Sorry I’m a shitty blogger but I truly found something that makes my life complete even if I have Alex and done. Now I have hugs from kids each day…they think I am cool because I am the “principal” and I think they are the most beautiful creatures I’ve ever met. I’ll keep you post…either way, here on out we talk happy. I’m willing to make a lot of changes to get there. I’m armed with IGG, dexamethazone and more to keep my body from going into the den of destruction.

I also bought the six day early result but may bug CCRM to do an early blood test. Oi.

Vials and vials and vials of blood…..and nothing where I need it

Posted in FET, immunotherapy, IVig by

I’ve been to every doctor in Atlanta now. It is official. My doctors in NYC are also playing a part – faxing records, making recommendations. Today I saw a doctor who will, at the behest of my regular doctor, prescribe IVig so that my body calms down and does not attack the fetus (and her brother). I’m also about to induce the period with progresterone. Everything is getting ready including me. Not even interested in wine so I know it is time. It is really time. It won’t be before the end of February but likely March. The doctor I saw was very nice…same old questions. How many miscarriages (holds back tears), where did you have miscarriage #4 (holds back tears), but why did you put back a chromosomal abnormal (tells doctor he misunderstands and then the tears start and…..that was enough to make him stop drilling me for questions about children dying inside of me). I don’t cry normally about it except when I get asked or when I see photos of the child who is my cousin’s born 2 weeks late on my due date. That is hard to think that my body rejected a perfectly normal female…a daughter. I can write about it and I’m fine just don’t ask me about it in the glare of florescent lighting…yeah and why don’t doctor’s in this city have halogen…..GOD I MISS NYC. Sigh.

I’m exhausted though, truly. My preschool is growing a little faster than anticipated but that only allows me to hire some people that I wouldn’t have been able to hire previously. We seem to have reach a great stride but, as with anything related to children, every day is a different one. We had a little troll action on the internet which was amusing (especially since they don’t know I’ve been through this before and know how to maneuver the system). I made sure to get a subpoena filing in action for future reference – dumb that they don’t know IP addresses lead you straight to the person. Straight to their computer. Libel and slander are serious things when you have a business. They wrote idiotic things about me, the teachers and our curriculum (which made me laugh, truthfully but I’m going to treat it seriously). I’ll be interested when I get the names back of the offenders. Some of our parents were so wonderful, they all offered to write reviews and get involved (and some did) but I still think that is a waste of time. I have a few aces in the hole when I need them – enough said.

My husband has an interview (thanks to his college roommate and my son’s godfather – he was one of the people in the UK who had a huge hand in created TARP – or “the bailout”. So the reference is about as good as you can get,). So who knows where life will take us but I know one thing – the school has changed so much for me that I cannot imagine ever not being here. Commuting to NYC? Hmmmm.

So we are in the last stretch of the FET process and if things don’t go my way with the testing, it will be surrogate time. I’m not going to lose genetically perfect embryos just because my body likes to kill everything that enters it.

Next week the OB. Same one who saw me for the internal bleeding at Piedmont. Truth said, I’m going back to NYC if I do get pregnant. I cannot imagine not going to Janice Marks.

Better cross that bridge when I come to it or there will be random tears. For now, I’m holding on to hope.

No sign of…you know what

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I swear, since the last IVF and the punctured ovary that would not stop bleeding, my cycles are all over the place. Call it perimenopause. I call it FOUL PLAY!

Dang – after being every 30 days BAM!!!! I am left wondering where in the hell good old Aunt Flo or whatever you happen to call your period. This makes me most uncomfortable. Especially after I told my young son that I was never going to die, yesterday. Well, he is obsessed with death. He made his father give up smoking. Today is the last day and husband is making a huge deal of his last day as a smoker. He gets to play golf, open a special bottle of something insanely expensive and then make love to his boxes of cigarettes because apparently LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. Rolling my eyes. I’ve been through the big ceremony a few times, you see. I’m a hair bit over it.

I digress. The lack of period is likely my left ovary shrinking into nothing after having been stabbed the wrong way around IVF #5. Who knows. Poor thing. I just worry that it might be what I dread most – ovarian cancer. Sure they say there is no link between IVF and cancer but I am not believing any study sponsored by a group representing a billion dollar operation. Thanks, but no.

Starting off right. Talking about my uterus! I’d determined, however, to post more than 8 times this year. I think this year I might even post every day just to tell you what I’m up to. Even just a little fly by wave. Since there are so many people coming here (boeings full of people) I have to perform.

The news of the day is that I am on my first cup of coffee (which will be my last) and had a cup of tea and a PB and J sandwich WITH my prenatals, aspirin and B vitamins. Blessed be the lord for the person who created the pill a day pouch. Now I can know what day it is and also that I have definitely taken my vitamins.

Oh and my preschool is about to get the greatest gift ever – but I’ll save that for next post.
Tonight I’m taking my teachers out to dinner and some of them are going to be very, very happy. I’m about to give them something special….and then my mom arrives on Tuesday so they will at least love me for a few days.

Oh and this week I’m going to get me some IVIG. How to fund, how to fund….ah, I have an idea for that too. More on that in a red hot minute. Hasta manana!

2010 in review – Oooooh! You love me despite me neglecting you this year! Xo

Posted in A whole lot of nothing by

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Fresher than ever.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A helper monkey made this abstract painting, inspired by your stats.

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 5,100 times in 2010. That’s about 12 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 8 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 99 posts. There were 4 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 893kb.

The busiest day of the year was December 9th with 70 views. The most popular post that day was Consult with Dr. Schoolcraft..

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com, ivfconnections.net, facebook.com, estrogenprimingprotocol.blogspot.com, and en.wordpress.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for dr schoolcraft, dr. schoolcraft, schoolcraft ivf, saizen ivf, and way too much information ivf blog.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Consult with Dr. Schoolcraft. November 2008

2

Back…IVF #9 with CGH Microarray (part 2) December 2009

3

About October 2008
6 comments

4

am i ok? my boobs won’t stop growing? November 2008

5

What am I doing? January 2009

It has begun.

Posted in A whole lot of nothing by

I don’t like new years resolutions for a variety of dumb reasons but this year I think I am doing it. Sorta. It started about two weeks ago. I cut out coffee (well, went from 10 to 2 a day). 10 cups of coffee a day (no joke) and I was wondering why I had high BP. As high as 145/95 which is very high for me. I went to a new doctor recently – friend of a friend. I can never get in to see my oh so amazing doctor in ATL so I figured, why not. Why not! The guy was great. He went over my history and told me that he agrees completely that I should be on IVIG during pregnancy and my failure to be on it for the last miscarriage was probably why I lost a genetically normal female. Ugh. She would be 2.5 years old. I try so hard not to think about that. That was a tough one. In fact, it is probably something I have yet to deal with – it comes out in little bits. Like when the doctor says to me, how many miscarriages and I mumble “um…like 6 or 7 or 8…I’m sorry” and then the tears start and I feel stupid. Like right now…few more tears. They are always right there at the surface. Should I sit my ass in a doctor’s chair and talk about it for 190 dollars a month…the answers is damn well no. Enough of that. I’ll get my bucket of tears owed to that little girl in soon. Maybe I’ll make a weekend for her – just to get it out because, I would have been fine had the karyotype been “trisomy male” blah blah but not “normal girl”. At 8 weeks he didn’t just get my tissue – it was true.

So back to the resolutions malarky. I started with the coffee and now I’m taking prenatals on time and eating with them! Duh. I’m bumping up the folic acid. I don’t drink too much but I take anti anxiety meds. I’ve halved my dosage (that is also a big thing for me as I tend to be over anxious, imagine that). Drinking will cease from 2x per week to about none. I’ve started my daily baby aspirin, am drinking lots of water and going to about five more doctors – pap smear, mammo (all required by Schoolcraft to do an embryo transfer) and then the doctor to give me IVIG who my doctor made a referral and “recommended” that he do whatever I want. Hoping insurance will take it or it is 3K a pop and I need at least 3 of them if not 4.

Wow, exciting post!

The doctor did tell me that it was pretty clear that I have an autoimmune disorder but that it was also a good thing because I’ll probably never get cancer. Oh doctor, don’t worry, my body has ways of surprising!

So that is it. Countdown begins. I’ve started thinking about what will happen if it doesn’t work and the idea is grim but I’ll survive but I won’t give up. I won’t have a lot of options at that point but I’ll find a way.

So there it is – my new years resolution. To get healthy enough to have a baby in 2 months.

Off to sign up two new students – TWO! And I signed up three more for May. So we are growing and I can’t be more happy about it. My teachers are happy, I’m finally happy with where we are headed and what we are doing. I no longer feel alone in the process but like a team is behind me – a team of really great teachers who promise me not to give me any stress during the month of March and onward (ha).

I’ll tick “a whole lot of nothing” as a category for this post. Certainly it was nothing like my post for http://www.waitinginsunshine.typepad.com. THAT was a post.

Happy New Year friends. I can’t believe I have loyal readers after I basically post ever once in 6 months.

And lastly, may babiesornot.blogspot.com be healthy in the New Year. I have some amazing cyber friends.