What am I doing?

Somehow…(not sure how) I am now in line for an estrogen priming protocol (which is so complicated…involving 5 different drugs and so many injections – some 12 hours apart) for an IUI!! Not even an IVF (though he does plan to turn it into one if I stimulate really well) First let me say that the drugs alone will cost us like 4 grand (or more, who knows) and it is going to be potentially an experiment. Sure I get around 8-10 follicles with low dose stims (of differing sizes so we are only really talking about 4-5 viable ones)…but I just don’t know. I want to see how my body responds and I’d like to get pregnant without shelling out the 20K that IVF is going to cost me at CCRM but I want to be realistic.

I’m pushing 41. 90% of my eggs if not 100% are probably not good. My history suggests this. Why not go to DE? Why don’t I just do it?

I just haven’t given up the hope of having another child who is genetically related to me. It sounds so damned selfish and immature to me – what I want is a baby! I don’t care how I get one – I don’t REALLY care about having the same genes. As my OB said to me, anything that calls you mama is your child and I could not agree more. I am, however, getting ready to call it quits….. I know that because I feel weary when thinking about my upcoming cycle rather than excited and hopeful. 2 weeks of stims ( worry: how many are developing??), retrieval (worry: what fertilized), 3 day embryo report (anything look good) 2WW wait (worry: anything implant) and then another 6-8 weeks of holding my breath and worrying continually that it might die. To say I am not looking forward to it is an understatement.

Anyway – that is where I am at.

I was overjoyed – er even starstruck when one of my favorite bloggers wrote me an email recently. Amy at babiesornot.blogspot.com was my portal into the world of infertility – the very first blog I ever read when considering IVF. She isn’t an IVFer but rather a really interesting, creative person who has blossomed in the face of life’s difficulties. I strive to be like her, learn from her – I just LIKE her. And I wouldn’t have my son if she didn’t introduce me via her blog to all these amazing women who have shared their stories with complete strangers like me. Another reason for starting this blog – here is to Amy! Without her there would be no little boy named Alex…of that I am sure. She and a few hundred strangers over at ivfconnections.com – who keep me sane and continually show me what true resilience and humor are all about.

Now…I need to call my RE and make sense of this new protocol. I might have to tell him to revise it – I’d like to do what worked last time (and hope for a different outcome this time, of course).


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