Category Archives: infertility

Change

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Things are changing around here. I’ll elaborate more but for now, I’ve added my music. The reason being is that I’m starting a drive to raise money for a cause I love – no, a passion. It is late and I’m excited so I wanted to post. It has been so wonderful to not have to think about IVF but tomorrow I’ll have a consult and go over “the file” with a new OB GYN. He is my friend’s husband sounds great. He gave me some interesting facts…that there is a higher miscarriage rate for women with psoriasis. I have psoriasis and never knew that. Today I had a foot doctor appt and he told me not to take anti steroid non inflammatories (motrin, etc) as they can lower the chances of implantation. Nobody ever tells you this stuff. I mean, I had no clue and at this point I feel like I know way too much. Yes “way too much information” about this process.

I’m putting a link to my songs. A few that I wrote and sang in my life before I started to do IVF. Some day I will look back on this time in my life and it will seem like a dream. Right now, I’m about to reenter the nightmare portion of the process. The FET. It is going to happen in the next five months. Or sooner. I need to be ready for it.

Anyway. Short one. I’m coming back tomorrow to tell you all about what I’ve been doing that has given me a spring in my step and, for about 7 months now, helped me to not focus on IVF for the first time in five years.

Night, night.

PS. Please listen to the songs – when you do they pay me ad revenue and it goes to a great cause (which you’ll know all about tomorrow!!!).

Just when you thought I’d never post again…

Posted in Getting ready for FET with the normal embryos, infertility, Progesterone by

I’ve been avoiding this blog. Mainly because I hate that the tone is so negative and depressing (at least to me). I’ve been spending my time doing just about everything except thinking about IVF or trying to have another child. Just being a mom and well, a whole lot of other things but that is a post for another day (all good stuff).

I’ve been gearing up for the FET (frozen embryo transfer for my non IF friends). That means clearing out all the toxins, getting tested for everything and anything that could impede implantation (immune issues, uterine issues, etc) when suddenly my period stopped arriving. Abruptly. It could be stress, it could be an anovulatory cycle (when you don’t ovulate) but it is annoying because I need to have a period in order to be able to get these test done. So I’ve been taking prometrium 400 mg at night (because it can make you drowsy). I sometimes forget and then have had to take one in the morning (nice to feel drowsy in the morning with a toddler….ahem).

The other night I took my last 2 pills. I normally never eat with them. This was right before dinner…. Friends were visiting to I had a glass of wine with them, ordered some sushi (oh lord, will I ever get to the point), ate the sushi, drank another half glass of wine and the next thing I know I am in an ambulance. Apparently I stopped responding. Sat there with my mouth agape, drooling, staring into space and unable to talk other than nod my head (“yes” to my mother’s question which is “are you in trouble”.).

Once I was in the ambulance I felt fine but groggy. They took some blood, explained that it was most likely a reaction between the progesterone and the wine and sent me hope. Of course I couldn’t let it rest.

I spent all of yesterday trying to find anyone who had experience the same thing that I did and lo and behold I found this:

http://www.askapatient.com/viewrating.asp?drug=19781&name=PROMETRIUM&sort=satisfaction&order=1

Five posts with women who were hospitalized with stroke like symptoms and a slew of others who had “lost time”, “lost memory” among other things.

I’ve been on this drug for five years (off on and on when I am cycling) and had a few bouts of words slurring but never something like this.

So that will be the last time I take oral prometrium (progesterone). Shots in the butt for me – never had an issue with progesterone in oil which absorbs differently.

Now I have to explain this to my new neighbors. Apparently I was screaming my head off as I was carted to the ambulance which I do not remember. I can imagine it now “oh HI there new neighbor, can I have a seat because this is a long ass story”.

It is sorta funny but it isn’t…..it scared me shitless.

Better.

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Thanks to Sunshine (thank you, thank you, thank you).

I’m waiting for that phone to ring. Any day now and I’ll know where I stand with the embryos. If they are normal that is IF (a big one) then I will probably drop dead from happiness.

So last post was a slit your wrister and I didn’t want anyone to go and call the men with the white jackets. I’ll be fine.

I’m going to have a little fun today – watch this space later today.

Bad, bad, bad

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Today is one of those days that no matter what you do, nothing feels right. In fact, that is putting it mildly. For various reasons this has been the hardest week of my life so far. It is mental, I know that. It comes from several sources least of all not the waiting for the CGH results which could happen any time.

Marriage – you know, this is a public, family, friend blog. We have our ups and downs. Sometimes I wonder if IVF never had to happen to us and if he was, say, a first grade teacher if we would be frolicking through the fields of daisies without a care in the world. He’d just look at me in that daisy field, we’d have sex and out would come a perfect little baby 9 month later. 200K later (yes, you read that right) I am 2 years into my trying for #2. Giving up is not an option.

I will do whatever it takes – I have a list of employers who offer amazing coverage and I will work as a janitor if I have to. There will be a sibling for my boy. I have made this promise to myself and I will never go back.

Having a child…..but being a full time, stay at home mom is not for me. I know that sounds crazy but I need, crave organized time, a job, something creative. I need a bit of my old life back – the songwriting, the girls nights on occasion with margaritas and Newhall at Dos Caminos. I miss being a person in my own right and I feel guilty about that which is absolutely STUPID. As if IVF wasn’t hard enough in so many ways – now I get a kid and I want me back? Sounds self indulgent but man, my husband plays 8 hours of golf on Sat am. And because I did IVF I am meant to think the changing of ever diaper is a blessing. Look, it is….but I need to be a happy mother and being happy means for me that i need time to myself. To paint the wall, to write a song, to insulate the window.

So I’m struggling. With everything. But I’m going to find a way to end this day on a positive note. I’m going to honor my singer songwriter career and the people I worked with (who I really, really miss) and force myself to get back into that biz. I love it, I miss it and I have to leave the guilt at the door. I can write a chorus and inject gonal f at the same time so …..what is stopping me?

Me. Has to stop.

What happened this summer – why I went away

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So I left this block rather abruptly. Right smack dab in the middle of my CCRM story. There was a good reason – actually two good reasons.

I used to be a member of an IVF support group. It was online, fairly active and I had posted there since 2005 when I began the journey of trying to have a child. When I say that this particular site was instrumental in having my son that would be a gross understatement. I learned everything I ever needed to know from the women on this site on how to cycle, how to keep upbeat, how to laugh and most of all – how to relate to people who were going through the same experience that I was. Because, let’s face it, until you have experienced infertility you just don’t get it. Not in the way that we do. The physical and psychological pain, the feelings of inadequacy, the anger at people walking down the street with a baby carriage – they just do not understand and sometimes nor do we. Finding this particular website at a point in my life where I felt helpless empowered me and allowed me to get through those rough times. For that, I shall be forever grateful. I developed some great relationships that remain to this day. But in July I had to leave.

There were a few things going on at that point in time. The board I posted to regularly was turning into a strange place. There were a few posters who had things going on in their life that were dangerous (to put it mildly) and a number of people were considering turning this woman into the authorities. I’d received several messages from different sources encouraging me to turn her in to child protective services. I’d considered it and then thought…..nah, I’m going to tell her what I think. Because, what if this was all a huge rant and this woman was exaggerating and then CPS goes in and yanks her kids. I didn’t think it was a bad idea if the stories were true but, because so many people were calling CPS, I didn’t do it. So, I wrote a post and called her out. She didn’t like that. Neither did her friends. They gave me what my grandfather would call a “licking” for it. Others wrote me private messages saying “thanks, I wish I had the guts to write what you did”. I didn’t think I was particularly harsh but in hindsight, probably should have just stayed out of it like I did with the CPS.

And then about 2 weeks later a post appeared calling me names and accusing me of trying to kill my husband. It was laughable. My friends on the board and I had a good old laugh about it – until people, people I’d known for ages started agreeing and saying “I believe this to be true”. It was like 8th grade….I can laugh about it now but it started to become very serious to me. For a start, I was applying for a job with a very well known and highly thought of company and did not need such disgusting words said about me….and then this person called CCRM and told them things about me. That is when I started compiling information for a civil and criminal suit. I have all the evidence but I have declined pressing charges for the moment. It didn’t stop there though – whoever this person and or persons were, they caused all manner of mischief and then would try to link it back to me….one day I looked and over 20 of my IVF friends had dropped me on facebook. I was stunned.

And then I figured it out.

A few months prior to all of this brouhaha I started a private, facebook group in support of a fellow IVFer to talk about her issue. She had a pretty big problem and didn’t want to discuss it on this open board. I still will not discuss her or her issue – not until she is ready. Let’s just say it was a doozy. One of the members of our “secret facebook” group decided to leave – in a huff, I’ll add because, well, she didn’t like the fact that a few of us didn’t like one of her friends. 8th grade. This person then decided to go and tell everyone in her social circle on this board about our exclusionary, secret group where we all made fun of everyone. Those were her words, not the truth…but she was a believable person and so…people I’d posted with, supported, held virtual hands with, donated money to in times of need and cried tears of anger, frustration and and sadness with decided that I was a very bad person. A very bad person indeed – a “mean girl”. But, due to the private nature of our friend’s issue, I was unable to defend myself, defend my creating a support group outside of our support group. I was labeled the scourge of our wonderful board. I was shunned. I had to leave – there was no staying around. When I tell you that it shook me to the core, I will not lie. I laugh about it now but at the time my husband was making me dinner, bringing me flowers and reminding me that it didn’t matter what some people on the internet thought – that it was our family that mattered. Again, he didn’t get it. Those women meant something to me that he couldn’t understand.

Those women.

So, lately I’ve started to post there again because I realized that I have something to give. I have something to add and if it helps a woman get pregnant or make a decision that might help her get pregnant or choose to adopt or….help her in any way, I’m going to post there. I won’t let the lies and destruction caused by a few idiots stop me. I’m far less interested in doing what I had originally wanted to do – raise money for cycling, meds, etc for those who cannot afford it but maybe that will change in time.

Hell, I raised 105,000 dollars this summer as the Chair of a non-profit whose proceeds go to planting trees and flowers – imagine what I could do to help women start or complete their families. I just wish July never happened or I’d probably be working on just that right now.

So that is the long and the short (actually the short for sure) of it.

Far more interesting than, say, headboard decorating issues, I hope!

Advice for the infertile.

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Run. Don’t walk (don’t stroll, don’t meander) to CCRM.

Why bother locally? Why bother at all when the cutting edge stuff, the best lab in the world (arguably) and the best stats are in Denver. Nice town. Traffic shows the general feel of the city – they don’t cut you off, they let you in. They WAVE!

Denver is a nice town, full of nice people who have no idea that just down the street in Lone Tree that there exists a fertility center that is just knocking the socks off the rest of the country and the world.

I’ve been to three clinics – visited over 7 for consultations and so far my best results have been at CCRM. I won’t knock NYFI because they gave me (child mentioned!) my son. I will forever love them and think of them on his birthday and truth told, on my other days as well.

But I wish I had gone straight to CCRM 2 years ago when I began my quest for #2. Then again, if the first IVF had worked I would not have my Alex. I am a huge believer in the idea that things do NOT happen for a reason. I think we make things happen. We will them to happen through our thoughts, through our actions and I totally disagree that there is some being up there who would for a reason make one couple childless and let crackho #13456 have a baby. But that is another discussion for another time.

My advice is if you are young (under 33) and you are going for IVF, your best local clinic isn’t a bad idea but if you are in your mid thirties with a few losses under your belt – don’t dick around. Head straight to the best (my opinion). They aren’t pricier, in fact, they are even less than a few of the other clinic in their league. One thing they have above the rest is that they give you individual attention that I’ve never seen anywhere else. They manage your cycle down to ever little injection. They watch you like a hawk and for me – a woman with an AMH of .48 (not good) and an elevated estrogen level (meaning it is hiding a much higher FSH) ….for me to get 11 eggs and have 8 mature is what you call a miracle. A CCRM miracle.

I’m biased, I know. But I read everything and I can tell you point for point why I’d choose CCRM over any clinic in the nation for an older gal especially.

Nah, I don’t work for CCRM, I help pay their salaries, though!

Edited to add. CCRM does not believe in immune issues. I do. So I have another suggestion and will devote an entire post to who I’d recommend you see for treatment, diagnosis. I’d not recommend one clinic in particular and the name is a type of alcoholic beverage. I have my reasons and they are good ones….but not now. I’m hungry.

I’m on a roll.

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I’ve missed blogging. Life got a little crazy so I stopped. Life is still crazy but I have some things going on (non IF related) that are putting a little swing in my step. More on that later.

I spend most of this time talking about my ovaries and such. I’m aware that a lot of my audience is trying to procreate and comes here for advice, a little laugh and a lot of times, some hope. I hope I have a bit of all of that here….but it is time that I start talking about a few other things that interest me. One is my son. I’ll categorize so that people going through the process are able to weed out the glowing mommy reports. Nothing is worse than being blindsided by an IF blog than to find musing on the wonderment of a child. That is enough to break out the big old vats of chocolate triple fudge brownie ice cream and cry your eyes out and I get that. I might be a mother but I am what they call a veteran of this process and, as such, I am keenly aware that I have readers who need protection in this area.

Another interest of mine – a long time interest is investing money. I worked on Wall Street for the best part of 14 years. Risk Control, Mergers and Acquisitions, Private Wealth Management, Asset Management. But it is the my own investing and the process of investing that interests me the most. I love an undervalued stock. I LOVE the craziness of a bubble (hurry, buy Apple it is going to go THROUGH THE ROOF. I knew, back in late 1997 that the guy at the coffee stand talking about buying shares of Motorola meant one thing – get the freak out of the market. It happens ever time – people cannot help themselves. They are like sheep following the Sheppard. (not to say I have not done this exact thing but….I learned a lesson in doing so).

I digress.

A few weeks ago there was much talk of the natural gas glut – how they found a new way to extract natural gas through shale extraction. Financial articles were all doom and gloom about the price of natural gas and how it was unlikely to recover for a long time. So I did a little research. I learned that yes, there is a huge glut and yes, the prices were at record low and then I put on my old thinking cap. People love to gorge themselves on things – oil, gold, apple stock, google stock. We found a solution to our oil issue and it is right here in our backyard. I envisioned cars being converted to natural gas, all houses being converted to natural gas and I pulled the trigger and bought some UNG – the ETF (exchanged traded fund) which stands for United States Natural Gas Fund. I got in at 9.12 cents. My husband (the banker) thought I was taking on a huge risk. Funny thing happened – a few weeks later Exxon bought another company and announced that natural gas was the way of the future. Now I envision that investors across the land are going to pull their chairs up to the table, grab the knife and fork and start gorging themselves on natural gas…..I’ve already made 700 bucks (not bad for a few weeks investment). I’ll sell it when I feel that people are might stuffed – just right as they announce (say 7 years from now) that there is NO better way to earn money. I will sell it. I had this experience with oil, by the way. Right before the crash my inner voice said, “hey, you’ve had a good run – time to sell” but greed won out. Crash, bang, and no boom. Another lesson learned.

So this is now an investing blog, of sorts as well. I’m not a one topic pony despite the fact that my dear husband thinks that I have no interests other than those that create little human beings.

Citigroup. I own it. A lot of it now. I’m taking the gamble. Not for the faint hearted but come on, this is a brand as American as Apple Pie and they paid back TARP. If it gets to 5 in 5 months – oh will our family be happy.

So there. Anyone else interested in investing talk? Because I love it and would really like to get more interactive about it – warning though. I enjoy being a contrarian. Has served me very well.

Back…IVF #9 with CGH Microarray (part 2)

Posted in infertility, IVF # 9 by

Sorry for leaving some of you hanging. I had to take a break for a number of reasons.

We got our CGH Microarray results back from the 8 embryos we had on ice (from CCRM and the clinic I go to in NYC – I did IVF #8 there in June which I will update on later – had those four sent out to join the other CCRM four an all were tested) ……..and we have one normal embryo – in fact, it was our only blastocyst and it was a day 6 blastocyst which is a bit behind. The other 7 were massively abnormal, poor things. So, I decided to try another cycle locally to hopefully get a few more embryos to ship out to CCRM and then do another cycle in February….but that was a complete disaster. Microdose lupron, measurable follicle on day 2!!! I stimmed for 6 days and then triggered and converted to an IUI. BFN. No surprise there.

I went on birth control pills right after since I had developed massive cysts….and then decided it was time to go back to CCRM. I’m approaching 42 and I don’t have the luxury of time on my side. I have a good chance with one CGH normal (60%) but I want a GREAT chance which only 2 normal embryos will give me (70 %). Selfish, I know.

For this cycle we did things very differently – I started saizen (human growth hormone) and microdose lupron for two days and then started 300 gonal F and 2 amps of menopur combined with dexamethazone. What a response – the stim was rather fast – 9 days total or so and I produced 11 eggs – 8 of which were mature and fertilized normally. I was shocked as I never respond like this – my very best cycle to date and I think I credit the saizen…. Day 3 and all of them were right on target with one over achiever at 12 cells. Yesterday on day 5 they called to say that they had 3 early blasts and 3 great looking morulas. Somehow between last night and today most of them arrested and I am now left with a grade 5AA blast and a 3AB blast to biopsy. So down to 2. Beats the one I had last time which was thankfully normal.

I don’t know whether to be happy or gear up for IVF #10. I guess I’ll wait for the results (probably by mid Jan) and maybe go back on the pill to suppress all the crazy things my ovaries do after an IVF.

On the emotional front, I’m not feeling so great. Not sure how I am going to be able to handle it if this doesn’t work. I began looking at donor eggs and found one woman whose baby photo looked just like me. But I don’t know if I can do that. I always told myself that it wouldn’t matter – and deep in my heart I know it wouldn’t but I will move heaven and earth to make this happen with my own eggs. I only wish I had found CCRM when I was 40 and not 41.

So there is my update and now we wait…….

Well….

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Turns out three of the immature eggs that were icsi’d ALL fertilized. That means I have four embryos vitrified at day 2. I had a regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft who basically said that we were straddling both cohorts of eggs – one was going fast and the others slow. He had to make a call to either push for more or settle for the five that we had…..and of course he blamed the lack of fertilization on my poor egg quality. I know my body best and will have to disagree….I mean, I’m sure the eggs of a 41 year old are not exactly fresh but I don’t think the lack of fertilization had anything to do with that. We will do another cycle at CCRM with a change in protocol (probably beginning in June). Next month I am going to do a low drug stimulation (150 gonal F and 150 menopur) and then do an IUI. That is how I got pregnant in November so why not give it a go!?

I had a long chat with my old RE in NYC who told me that he believes testing can throw out perfectly good eggs. He actually said that a few times when people had come in to his practice wanting to do gender selection that he found a large percentage of them had all abnormal cycles. No normals – like me! He said that on one occasion they put the abnormals back in and got….a normal baby. Now my head is reeling…