Bad, bad, bad

Today is one of those days that no matter what you do, nothing feels right. In fact, that is putting it mildly. For various reasons this has been the hardest week of my life so far. It is mental, I know that. It comes from several sources least of all not the waiting for the CGH results which could happen any time.

Marriage – you know, this is a public, family, friend blog. We have our ups and downs. Sometimes I wonder if IVF never had to happen to us and if he was, say, a first grade teacher if we would be frolicking through the fields of daisies without a care in the world. He’d just look at me in that daisy field, we’d have sex and out would come a perfect little baby 9 month later. 200K later (yes, you read that right) I am 2 years into my trying for #2. Giving up is not an option.

I will do whatever it takes – I have a list of employers who offer amazing coverage and I will work as a janitor if I have to. There will be a sibling for my boy. I have made this promise to myself and I will never go back.

Having a child…..but being a full time, stay at home mom is not for me. I know that sounds crazy but I need, crave organized time, a job, something creative. I need a bit of my old life back – the songwriting, the girls nights on occasion with margaritas and Newhall at Dos Caminos. I miss being a person in my own right and I feel guilty about that which is absolutely STUPID. As if IVF wasn’t hard enough in so many ways – now I get a kid and I want me back? Sounds self indulgent but man, my husband plays 8 hours of golf on Sat am. And because I did IVF I am meant to think the changing of ever diaper is a blessing. Look, it is….but I need to be a happy mother and being happy means for me that i need time to myself. To paint the wall, to write a song, to insulate the window.

So I’m struggling. With everything. But I’m going to find a way to end this day on a positive note. I’m going to honor my singer songwriter career and the people I worked with (who I really, really miss) and force myself to get back into that biz. I love it, I miss it and I have to leave the guilt at the door. I can write a chorus and inject gonal f at the same time so …..what is stopping me?

Me. Has to stop.

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