12 dpo

I promised myself I was done with peeing on sticks…  I had one First Response Early Result left so I hid it under pile of papers and clothes thinking I would forget about it.  I didn’t.  I managed to resist the urge for practically 2 days now but succumbed about 10 minutes ago.  At first it was white as snow and then came the line.  It is definitely lighter than the other line – but I know very well that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.  I was pregnant with my son and showed negative HPTs for days and days after that initial positive.

So blood test is tomorrow.  I’m trying to remember that I have been here before a few times and the result was never a good one.  Friends tell me that I should think positive but I think that is foolish advice.  Better to expect the worst, prepare for it.  It is a lot easier that way.

I’m off now to http://www.peeonastick.com to compare this recent test to those of the internet!

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11 dpo

I’m 11 days past ovulation now.  Normally I would pee on another stick….but I can’t do it.  Never in my entire life of peeing on sticks have I had good news.  Never, ever.  Even when I was pregnant with my son – the tests kept getting lighter and lighter.  That, of course, is when I break out a bottle of wine (and not to share).  So I’ll actually wait for my beta (blood test) and find out the number.  Then I will have to go get another blood test 2 days later – and then 2 days later, repeat.

Normally what happens is that my levels start to go down and then they tell me to stop all medication….a chemical pregnancy.

Even if I didn’t have a chemical pregnancy – even if I did actually see a heartbeat – the stress doesn’t end there.  I’m 40 years old.  The miscarriage rate is…I think around 40%.  So I’m looking at another 10 weeks of worrying and wondering.  And then you have the testing….which is the biggest nail biter of all.

So – I’m looking at approximately 20 weeks of worry here – I might as well just try to ignore it and live my life.  I will tell you this though – I feel very ill (like I might have to vomit) so….that is good sign.

I’m off the march against proposition 8 this afternoon so I’ll post some photos when I get back.

Peeing on sticks at 9DPO

I know better than to pee on a stick at 9 days past ovulation.  But I did and you guess it!  Nada.

Most people would wait until their blood test but I like to soften the blow.  Makes it easier.  Even though I know I still don’t have the answers I seek – I’d rather expect the worst.  So here I am – expecting the worst!

Blood test is on Monday.  I’ll pee on more sticks tomorrow am.

I’ve scheduled my polyp removal, tentatively.  Had a long chat about insurance coverage (and am excited about the fact that we can probably do 3 more IVFs before it starts to really suck the life out of our bank account)….what else did I do?

I cleaned the sink!  Flylady.net is my new thing – because I am a procrastinator and I’m just way too creative and intelligent (her words not mine) to pair socks and organize kitchen cabinets.

My husband came home drunk last night after poker with his bosses.  Kept me up nearly all night as he forgot his key…

He was very excited to read about the lady whose boobs won’t stop growing – so, if you are out there – and I KNOW you are (because I see that someone has done yet another search for BOOBS WON’T STOP GROWING” today)….let us know how things are going.  If you want to know what I really think about your boobs growing – you are either 15 years old and suddenly have hit your growth spurt, you are pregnant OR (and this is pretty common with me) you are about to get your period and you are eating way too many curly fries.

To jinx or not to jinx

I’m going to jinx myself.  I’m feeling sick.  A mild nausea that has been lingering since yesterday afternoon.

And the dreams.  Everytime I’ve been pregnant in the past I’ve had insane dreams involving…well….people having sex!  I had one last night – I walked into a russian bath and there were all these people looking like they might be having sex soon – so I left (wisely) but not before admiring the tile on the bathroom wall.  It was gorgeous!!!

Today is 9 days past ovulation so…I could test tomorrow but I think I will wait until Sunday just to be sure.

I could do this all day long

One hour ago I decided this did not work.

One minute ago convinced that it did.

This is the hardest part for me – between 6 days past ovulation and testing time (probably day 10 because even though I know I should wait until day 12 – I just can’t help myself).  I’d like to think optimistically but history has told me that this is a very unwise thing to do.  So, I’m planning for the failure and what I will do thereafter – get bunion surgery, get the polyp removed from my uterus, drink a bottle of vodka and have a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM in Colorado.  He is calling me on the 18th of this month and I’m looking forward to his input.  Their stats are just amazing for my age group…and as I approach 41 – there is no time to mess around.