Holy shit.

I peed on a stick.

It is positive.

I’m about to pass out from shock.

Even if it is a chemical – the fact that something fertilized and implanted.  Oh.MY.GOD.

Peeing on sticks at 9DPO

I know better than to pee on a stick at 9 days past ovulation.  But I did and you guess it!  Nada.

Most people would wait until their blood test but I like to soften the blow.  Makes it easier.  Even though I know I still don’t have the answers I seek – I’d rather expect the worst.  So here I am – expecting the worst!

Blood test is on Monday.  I’ll pee on more sticks tomorrow am.

I’ve scheduled my polyp removal, tentatively.  Had a long chat about insurance coverage (and am excited about the fact that we can probably do 3 more IVFs before it starts to really suck the life out of our bank account)….what else did I do?

I cleaned the sink!  Flylady.net is my new thing – because I am a procrastinator and I’m just way too creative and intelligent (her words not mine) to pair socks and organize kitchen cabinets.

My husband came home drunk last night after poker with his bosses.  Kept me up nearly all night as he forgot his key…

He was very excited to read about the lady whose boobs won’t stop growing – so, if you are out there – and I KNOW you are (because I see that someone has done yet another search for BOOBS WON’T STOP GROWING” today)….let us know how things are going.  If you want to know what I really think about your boobs growing – you are either 15 years old and suddenly have hit your growth spurt, you are pregnant OR (and this is pretty common with me) you are about to get your period and you are eating way too many curly fries.

To jinx or not to jinx

I’m going to jinx myself.  I’m feeling sick.  A mild nausea that has been lingering since yesterday afternoon.

And the dreams.  Everytime I’ve been pregnant in the past I’ve had insane dreams involving…well….people having sex!  I had one last night – I walked into a russian bath and there were all these people looking like they might be having sex soon – so I left (wisely) but not before admiring the tile on the bathroom wall.  It was gorgeous!!!

Today is 9 days past ovulation so…I could test tomorrow but I think I will wait until Sunday just to be sure.

I could do this all day long

One hour ago I decided this did not work.

One minute ago convinced that it did.

This is the hardest part for me – between 6 days past ovulation and testing time (probably day 10 because even though I know I should wait until day 12 – I just can’t help myself).  I’d like to think optimistically but history has told me that this is a very unwise thing to do.  So, I’m planning for the failure and what I will do thereafter – get bunion surgery, get the polyp removed from my uterus, drink a bottle of vodka and have a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM in Colorado.  He is calling me on the 18th of this month and I’m looking forward to his input.  Their stats are just amazing for my age group…and as I approach 41 – there is no time to mess around.

Progesterone in sesame oil

I’m getting this injection 1x per day in the rear end.  The shot is long – in fact, here – have a look – the longer syringe is the the one – it is about 1.5 inches long – long enough to hit the muscle.  Trust me – it is scary to look at and the oil goes in painfully slow….  What I love the most about these shots is that the oil forms a hardened lump underneath my skin – after many shots I start to get a little shelf on my buttock.  It takes a very long time to go away.  About six months, actually.

I’m still feeling crampy and I have dark blue veins covering my breasts.  Then again – I’ve been here before only to have it disappear but for now, something is trying to do something.  I’m sure of that.Needles and their friends

the mind plays tricks…

I just took a bite of a chocolate chip cookie and immediately felt the urge to vomit all over myself.

Too early.

Right now I am 5dpo, 5 days past ovulation.  If anything fertilized…and that is a BIG, HUGE IF – we would be a the blastocyst level right now.  Embryo would have over 100 cells or more and be getting ready to hatch – I mean technically it is possible that something is trying to implant itself into the side of my uterus right this very second but improbable.

I hate having hope and so I dismiss it.  Much easier to assume this is not going to work than convince yourself and be let down.

Anyway – I’ll go and try to eat another chocolate chip cookie and see what happens.  Followed by a quick visit to IVFconnections (where I’ve been spending far too much time these days).

Apologies…I’ve been a little preoccupied

Sorry for the delay – after all the excitement (and I mean excitement!!) of November 4th I’ve been feeling exhausted and a bit muted.

Where was I?  Oh – November 4th, 2008 – election day and insemination #2.

The morning started out horribly – basically a disaster.  We’d arranged for C to take his sperm to the clinic at 7:30am to be washed and I was to show up at 9:30am for insemination.  At 7:50am C told me that the task was impossible….there was no way he would be able to produce another vat of semen.  He tried and failed.  I started to google “life span of washed sperm” and the results were confusing – it seemed that 24 hours was the maximum …and I was due to ovulate SOMETIME that day – if we didnt’ have another batch to greet these eggs on ovulation – the entire cycle might be a bust.  I started to get a bit hysterical but caught myself.  Poor C did not need the added pressure…and so I told him to go to work, get a few things done and return around 10 to try again.  In the meantime I prepared myself to vote.  Lines were long in Atlanta and I didn’t want to get stuck in a five hour wait.  My friend Amy and I went together with Alex in tow.  As we voted, C returned and worked on getting a sample…

Voting was a great experience – never before have I been this excited about a candidate.  I worked hard to get Barack Obama elected – talking to just about everyone I met, haranguing our Republican handyman and all of my Republican friends..  I registered about 20 people to vote and worked on the phone banks (very not like me).  By November 4th I was ready for this election to be over.

When I returned to the house C informed me “I was able to get some sperm for you but it was very difficult – in fact, I think I’ve bruised myself” which made me laugh.

Two hours later I went to the clinic and was told that C’s specimen was over 80 million sperm – which is just amazing considering he had similar numbers the day before.  In they went….and now we wait.  I think I did ovulate later that day….on election day.  If this did work – what an amazing day to be conceived!

So far I don’t have many symptoms – which is natural you might say but every single time I have been pregnant I’ve felt certain things early on – from the day after conception.  I do feel like my uterus has something in it – a certain fullness…and my breasts are killing me but that could be the side affect of the progesterone.

Anyway – muted post but I’ll write more when I am less tired (hey, good sign!)…and tell you about my amazing election night party – and the break-in we had at the house this week (while C was away in California and I was alone with our son).

I’m still pissed off about Prop 8 and feel like it is time to get more involved in helping my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters in their struggle for equality.

Sperm.

Today we did our first of two sperm injections.  We had to take our son with us – which proved to be a huge nightmare.  I’m very sensitive to the feelings of my fellow infertiles and strongly believe that a child has no place in a fertility clinic.  It never really upset me but had I had several failed cycles, I don’t think I’d be able to bear seeing one at the doctor’s office.  Anyway – he came along for lack of child care options.  C and I took turns keeping him occupied and tried very hard not to let him tear the entire waiting room apart (no luck).  C gave his specimen and we then went to McDonald’s to wait for them to prepare the sperm – spin it free of white blood cells, crappy sperm, etc.  When we arrived back 2 hours later they were ready for me.  When I saw the nurse she said, “well your husband has a great sample for you – he has 85 million sperm ready here”.  My jaw nearly dropped to the ground.  85 million post wash!  That is 120 million pre wash – just insane.  Let me put it this way – you only need 20 million post wash for an IUI to have a good chance of being successful.  The nurse advised me not to tell him because, as she said, he would get a big head.  I agreed…but ended up telling him.  I’m not sure why I did this because I’d much rather have him believe that his sperm are the reason we are doing these procedures but, I guess it isn’t anymore!

On to the insemination, I normally don’t see my doctor during cycles – this is a large practice and the doctors all rotate for procedures.  Of course I know my doctor and have had many chats with him but I am just not used to spreading my legs and finding him down there – if you know what I mean.  It is so much easier when I don’t really know the person.  So, in walks Dr. S – who is rather young and handsome and all of a sudden I realized that I had not even bothered to make myself acceptable for viewing (to put it delicately).  The poor guy basically had my entire womanhood in all its glory right in his face – and I was cringing the entire time.  In the middle of the procedure – after he had inserted the speculum – he asked the nurse to hold down on my bladder as he was having trouble inserting the long tube into my uterus.  And then the nurse says, “oh be careful not to pee on the doctor”.

Oh darn – just what I had in mind to do.

I was so glad when that shit was over.

I was also glad that my doctor seemed stumped by my “excellent response” to low dose stims.  When I asked him what he thought about all of this and how it could benefit future IVF cycles should I not get pregnant he said he would have to have a think about it.  Well I already thought about it and came to the conclusion that I have spent thousands of dollars on medication and probably damaged perfectly good eggs because of a protocol that was all wrong for me.  Thanks doc.

So – IUI part 2 is in the morning.

Monday, November 3

I just had my trigger shot.  8 follicles have grown – which is just amazing on such low dosages of medicine.  I’m not comfortable at all – I feel like my ovaries are huge bags of rocks.  My doctor gave me an extra night of stimulation drugs to get a few more to grow and it worked.  Tomorow afternoon we will have our first insemination and then on election day morning we will have the second.  I should ovulate at approximately 9:45am on Tuesday – 36 hours after the trigger shot.  Again, I don’t have a great deal of hope – the odds are something like 8% to 17% that this will work- this was more an exercise in medication experimentation and I’m happy with the results.

I do have to pinch myself when I start daydreaming that maybe, just maybe we’ll get boy/girl twins out of this but that would be like the Mets winning the world series.

Happy Halloween!

My ovaries are absolutely killing me.

Tomorrow more blood work, ultrasound and then trigger tomorrow evening.

I’m completely fed up with needles, drugs, headaches, mood swings, swollen ovaries, being poked and prodded with the dildocam and seemingly flushing money down the toilet – right now I am just a damn medical experiment and the worst thing – I am my own creation!!

I guess it is either this or settle for one child because getting C to adopt or donor egg is going to be a battle that I don’t think I want to wage.

But I do try to finish my day by hoping for something – today I will hope that nobody eggs my house and that I don’t stuff my face with reeces peanut butter cups.  There.