Category Archives: infertility

Wow…

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That was a lot of viewing today.  Where in the heck did everyone come from?  Did y’all subscribe?  Ha.  I wrote Y’all.  Shoot me.  

Still, I can’t believe so many people read my little update.  Only my mom an a few friends know about the surrogacy.  I guess many I should tell the others but I’m trying not to jinx it.  I’m still wondering if I should try to transfer one to me.  I still think I could do it if I could convince CCRM to give me tamoxifen.  Yes, that is what my former RE told me that he does for women who will not form a proper lining.  Sounds contrary to the goal if I know how tamoxifen works but he told me that trials have shown that it makes people bleed.  He told me that in one instance his patient went from having no more than a lining of 2mm to 10mm.  If this works, why can’t I have it?  Why should a pill come between me and the goal?  I have the IVIG waiting, I need to get it into my veins, that is it.  Oh I don’t know.  I just can’t make up my mind on this one. I’m terrified of the GS getting hurt (this would be her third set of twins).  She has kids of her own.  What if something awful happened to anyone?  I just don’t want to stress her.  Ok, two blogs for one day is enough.   Especially when one is so happy I sound like a fruitcake and the next I’m clearly unstable.

 

Call me tired.  Thanks for reading.  Now that I know you actually do read, I’ll post more…I have been reading about DNA fingerprinting which would make it possible to accurately predict which embryos are compatible with life.  The study I saw was 100 percent of the test group with DNA fingerprinting went on to have a child.  The other group, nobody got pregnant.  Of course this is a big business so don’t expect this to be starting at your local IVF clinic any time soon.  Hell, if I can find out how to do it and win the lottery (it would help if I played), I will open up a clinic with free DNA fingerprinting.  The cost for IVF will be the cost of materials and the doctor’s time – I bet that would be 3K a cycle…..max.

Stop the presses. That is if I have any readers left.

Posted in CCRM, infertility, IVF, IVF # 9, Surrogacy by

I’m just terrible with this blog. I started it to get my feelings out while I travel down the lonely road of infertility. I have been waiting and watching as friends have babies, as they give birth, have sibling for their children and I remain stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Time is ticking. My periods have long since gone. Menopause? I’m not sure. I think my body just can’t ovulate. I’ve been under so much pressure and I don’t take good care of myself. I forget to eat. Sometimes I don’t know what day it is. I started a preschool. I might have mentioned that but….it was the hardest thing I ever did but also I have never been happier. I have kids who give me hugs, who love me and the love flows right back. I’ve been so happy lately even though I work very hard and have little time for me. I was sitting in the Inverness Hotel in 2009, reading a book about the importance of education in the first five years of life. I glanced from my 3000 dollars of meds, to the syringe I just used to make my follicles grow, back to the book and then came the idea. A preschool. If I have one child…well, at least I’ll know what he is learning AND I will have dozens of children to love. So I am very happy but also the big fat void remains. The siblings on ice. The would be siblings except, my womb is over it. I can’t get it to grow. I have not tried again but I know. I’ve been friends (randomly) with a woman who has been a surrogate in the past. We started talking and one day I thought….well, why don’t I ask her. To my utter delight she agreed to be my surrogate. I cannot tell you what a dream come true this is for me. She is without a doubt a thoughtful, caring and loving person but get this, she wants to be a part of my child’s life. An Auntie for lack of a better word. That is just the icing on the cake. I would so love to share my child with a sister but sadly I have only a brother. He loves my son but there is nothing like an aunt that just loves you to pieces. I am one of those types of Aunties and, well, I just hope she will love my son as much. Hold on, no baby yet but we are hoping that this is what my embryos need. A womb that is proven to give life unlike mine. I say this without a hint of sadness. The only thing I worry about is that she will somehow be harmed by the process. If both were to take I would worry about her carrying twins, the burden on her and her family. So I may try to see if my uterus will grow enough to have a double transfer of the embryos. The higher quality for her and the lesser quality for me. Schoolcraft suggested that I transfer both to her and told me “why waste one”….as if he knows that I can’t carry another child. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn. We are in the middle of waiting for his approval. So that is the news. I feel happy, worried, stressed…but somewhat relieved that there is a plan and we have the right person on the team. I don’t think there could be a better person to carry my child (ren) than this woman…she really cares and I know would do the right thing. She is ethical, honest, caring, devoted and I think I could learn a thing or two about organization from her. And I love her already. She gave me hope again. For that I owe her so much already…

To be continued!

Sidelined (I benched myself!). Thin lining.

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I left you all hanging! So sorry!!!! My lining grew to a measly 7 mm. Triple stripe. Doctor suggested I move forward but I canceled. I’m now going to try again in September. I spoke to my old RE who suggested tamoxifen to help build uterine linings (I cannot believe this is happening but may explain why I keep miscarrying). I’m a little surprised that I was told to go ahead with a thin lining. My new nurse encouraged me to trust the doctor but it wasn’t Schoolcraft on duty so I just decided to trust my gut. My old nurse, when I went in to tell her my feelings that I should not proceed with a thin lining, told me that she agreed and that she thinks I can do better.

So there you go. The truth is, I’m in no shape to be pregnant. Too much stress and even though it has nothing to do with getting pregnant, it does have something to do with staying pregnant. I’ve started taking Vitamin E and L-arginine as there is study that shows improvement with linings and addition of these supplements (and vaginal viagra but the doctor won’t give it to me). I’m going to ask about tamoxifen….we’ll see. I also started B complex and noticed an immediate change to my anxiety (especially morning anxiety – can you imagine waking up at 6:30am and feeling like you need a xanax…it isn’t fun).

Thanks for checking in on me and I appreciate the comments and notes. I wish life was a bit easier but it just isn’t.

I encourage anyone who is going through IF to always trust your gut, research until your eyes hurt and know your body. Do not put your faith and trust in any doctor as YOU know your body best and if you don’t – get to know it. That is the best advice I could give anyone and wish I knew this ten years ago.

Transfer time

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Lining close to 8 and growing. CCRM seem to be the master of dropping balls these days. Hello? Toooooo big. Big money maker, eh? Well doctors, this is my last shot so you better hope you give me some attention. I cannot believe the number of times my new nurse has lost my annual or couldn’t find one if the 500 consents I sign and fax as a part time job. I want this over as much as I want it to work for a number of reasons. A is adamant that he will have a brother and a sister. He even got the name right…snake we have not uttered since he was in utero.

So I am going to be poked and prodded and try not to think about work. Sorry I’m a shitty blogger but I truly found something that makes my life complete even if I have Alex and done. Now I have hugs from kids each day…they think I am cool because I am the “principal” and I think they are the most beautiful creatures I’ve ever met. I’ll keep you post…either way, here on out we talk happy. I’m willing to make a lot of changes to get there. I’m armed with IGG, dexamethazone and more to keep my body from going into the den of destruction.

I also bought the six day early result but may bug CCRM to do an early blood test. Oi.

No sign of…you know what

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I swear, since the last IVF and the punctured ovary that would not stop bleeding, my cycles are all over the place. Call it perimenopause. I call it FOUL PLAY!

Dang – after being every 30 days BAM!!!! I am left wondering where in the hell good old Aunt Flo or whatever you happen to call your period. This makes me most uncomfortable. Especially after I told my young son that I was never going to die, yesterday. Well, he is obsessed with death. He made his father give up smoking. Today is the last day and husband is making a huge deal of his last day as a smoker. He gets to play golf, open a special bottle of something insanely expensive and then make love to his boxes of cigarettes because apparently LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. Rolling my eyes. I’ve been through the big ceremony a few times, you see. I’m a hair bit over it.

I digress. The lack of period is likely my left ovary shrinking into nothing after having been stabbed the wrong way around IVF #5. Who knows. Poor thing. I just worry that it might be what I dread most – ovarian cancer. Sure they say there is no link between IVF and cancer but I am not believing any study sponsored by a group representing a billion dollar operation. Thanks, but no.

Starting off right. Talking about my uterus! I’d determined, however, to post more than 8 times this year. I think this year I might even post every day just to tell you what I’m up to. Even just a little fly by wave. Since there are so many people coming here (boeings full of people) I have to perform.

The news of the day is that I am on my first cup of coffee (which will be my last) and had a cup of tea and a PB and J sandwich WITH my prenatals, aspirin and B vitamins. Blessed be the lord for the person who created the pill a day pouch. Now I can know what day it is and also that I have definitely taken my vitamins.

Oh and my preschool is about to get the greatest gift ever – but I’ll save that for next post.
Tonight I’m taking my teachers out to dinner and some of them are going to be very, very happy. I’m about to give them something special….and then my mom arrives on Tuesday so they will at least love me for a few days.

Oh and this week I’m going to get me some IVIG. How to fund, how to fund….ah, I have an idea for that too. More on that in a red hot minute. Hasta manana!

December 27, 2010…..

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deserves a big fat post.

My friend and her husband are parents today. She isn’t just any friend – she is a most spectacular individual who has endured 11 IVFs, a 20 week loss of a much wanted little boy…just so much. She is so special to me for so many reasons. She has done things for me that are unimaginable.

Today my friend is a mommy to a little boy and girl and that is just about the most fantastic thing in the whole world. This story gives every infertile couple reason to have hope. She never gave up. In the end, her diagnosis was a mystery until they discovered that she had celiac. As soon as she gave up wheat, six months later she cycled and lo and behold, twins.

Today is such a special day that I will leave it on that note. I have wonderful things to tell you (no, I’m not pregnant) but I have found a doctor who understands why I’ve been miscarrying and we are about to end that….soon. But today is nothing about me.

Today is about the sunshine coming through the clouds for my friend. No posting on her site. Let her tell the world. Her story is shared here:

http:// will post the info once she has posted her news.

July? Wow. I wonder if anyone reads this thing.

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I’m so neglectful of my little corner of the internet universe. It isn’t right especially since some of you come looking for a solution to a very big problem (one I can’t give but I can certainly give a much researched opinion!!).

First things first – my uterus. I’m so sick of vaginal ultrasounds, blood taking/giving and all that goes with the most routine visit to the RE. So, after Doctor H (that is what I will call him – the doctor here in our new city is also my friend’s husband…weird but I’m getting over it) saw the septum I booked a hysteroscopy in Denver with Dr. S. UNDER SEDATION. No way was I going to do that awake like I did the time before. What did he find? Nothing. NOTHING!! I have no septum.

What I do have is a secret that I am about to share with you. I begged the doctor to tell me the sexes and he told me that the policy was not to give the information because it is not correct (I know it is 90 percent correct from what I’ve read). He didn’t tell me but I found out – I won’t say how but the 5AB is a girl and the 4BB is a boy. I knew it! I JUST knew it. Girl embryos are stronger and will likely implant sooner than a boy. With my son – he did not implant until day 10 (the last day in the window). How do I know? I was going to a Chinese doctor for acupuncture and he told me that he felt a good pulse but still no implantation. I’d gone to him for days after the transfer and he kept saying the same thing. The pee sticks (damn I even hate writing the words) were all negative. So Dr. Wu (love this guy and will post his info at the bottom of this post) told me that Wednesday afternoon that because it was day 10 and there was no implantation yet, he would try something else. Not sure what he did but 2 hours later I started to cramp. One and a half days later I tested positive with the FRER (love you FRER) and my beta was 11. They are supposed to detect levels of HCG above 25 but there it was – a DOUBLE LINE. So I know that boy embryos can cause a mama all sorts of stress because they take their damned time.

As for why I am so absent – I started a preschool. About a year ago around right now (precisely!) I was doing my last IVF. I remember sitting in the bedroom crying, feeling miserable and then went out and bought a whole bunch of books. One book was Nurture Shock. I read it and then immediately decided that I would open a preschool. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t something that just came to me. I’ve wanted to open a preschool my entire life (first it was an orphanage but that was when I was very young). So start a preschool I did. At the time, in the Inverness Hotel with tears streaming down my eyes I thought…if I can’t have more children, I’ll have hundreds. I also am a huge proponent of early education – at home, at a good preschool, music classes. Kids are so, so much smarter than we give them credit for and my preschool recognizes this and promotes teaching and learning UP (without pressure – everything we do is fun so they think they are just playing but no sir, they are learning!). I have a 17 year old boy who can look at an A and say AH (what the letter says). I am so excited about the school and what is happening there. To say it was hard work is a huge understatement. I gathered together all the resources, people and my own gumption and just did it. When my husband lost his job (another post..lest my blood pressure go up) this school will likely weather us through the unemployment storm. Right now I’m working 14 hour days and not getting much to see for it (monetarily speaking) but I know that if we keep doing what we are doing that we will develop and grow locally and I hope nationally. I truly detest some of the preschool education that is out there right now – some of it is awesome and wonderful and others are a complete joke. Kids deserve better. So much better. Every day I have at least 15 hugs from kids who see me in the hallway or when I enter their room to speak to their teacher. Every hug reminds me why I have done this and I truly love each child in my school. They are all so very different but amazing and wonderful beings. I will post about what we are doing and why it is so special. It also helps to employ real teachers who have years of experience!

So I’m waiting for the stress of owning my own business to lower and then will do the transfer.

Wow – if I had boy/girl twins at the age of 43 that would be some serious miracle. I will post more. I want to keep this blog moving and hopefully share some of the information I have on all of the things I’ve ever done:

1. Be a recording artist and songwriter
2. Be infertile and obsess about it
3. Open my own business

There is more but for now here is Dr. Wu’s info – I loved him and plan to go back to see him pre transfer (or someone here) and then post transfer after Denver. That is probably just too much flying around. Thanks for being a reader and hanging in there with me as I disappear and then reappear. I’m going to use this little blog as an outlet – the next few months are likely to be hard. I’ll need to vent but only to you. In real life I need to be a “tough chick” (as my friend Sherean says and as Gwen Stefani inspired her to say).

Will keep you posted. Aiming for February!

http://www.nyfertility.org/associated-staff.html (scroll down to read up on Dr. Wu)

Someone once said….if you keep looking for trouble you are going to find trouble.

Posted in FET, Getting ready for FET with the normal embryos, infertility, miscarriage, preterm labor, Rant by

Whoever said that is an asshole but true.

So yesterday must have been my 1000th hysteroscopy. I told him that there is no way I will stay awake (like a certain doctor once did to me – hell, I was awake for a d&c with just a little valium and that was not right).

This time the uterus was fine BUT the doctor asked, “so did anyone mention that your uterus has a sort of cliff or a bulge to it”. What? A bulge. So it was explained as more of a septum. After all these tests and laps and hysteroscopies (which isn’t even a word so says my spell check). After all of that. I’m talking 300K.

300K and now I get this.

The good doctor explained that it probably wouldn’t impede any implantation but that it probably was the reason for my preterm labor. He told me I could probably hold twins but not triplets.

Funny. I just want to hold anything.

So I’m in a funny spot, doing the buildup of my lining to see how it will grow. Using the vivelle dots (or strips as I would rather call them) and seeing where all of this goes. I want to put the embryos back in by early October. It is time.

I’m so scared it won’t work and so scared that it will and I’ll lose them. Why can’t I just get pregnant and, well, be like everyone else? It is still a mystery but I’m piecing it together. The completely crazy chromosomal disasters that are most of my embryos take two to tango. I can’t blame that on just me and I am still making normal eggs at age 41 so that is good. The fact that I have two normals on ice is even better but typically they only work with women with a normal uterus. Do I have a normal uterus? I’m not sure anymore.

I do have normal, open fallopian tubes. How nice.

Vivelle Dots.

Posted in FET, Getting ready for FET with the normal embryos, Husband trouble, infertility, Rant by

What the f? Sorry. I’m just stumped. These are not dots. They are sheets of plastic with adhesive and estrogen. What is with the dots thing?

I have one on me. Assuming it is making its way into my bloodstream to get my pathetic lining to grow.

Yep, I nagged good old Dr. S to let me do a mock lining check locally. New doc (who I LOVE) will do a hysteroscopy and I don’t care if I spelled that wrong. It is late and I am so cranky. I digress, so we are going to check out the uterus, make sure there are no more traces of ashermans and that my ovaries look OK and that the lining is developing and then I am putting these embryos back in. I’m in the middle of a secret adventure and I want to share but I can’t – suffice it to say that it is really stressful. Combine that with the fact that my husband’s job fired him. FIRED! He is a Managing Director and they made things up. They actually fired him for poor performance when this guy brought in 12 million dollars last year. But they don’t really know what we have here. The kind of trouble they are about to get in for lying is just amazing. I wish I could elaborate but I can’t. Normally I would like to just walk away from this but not when they essentially prevent my husband from working in the industry he has worked in for 20 years. So, there will be justice. And it is going to be painful for them. The law was broken and we have some proof. Oh do I wish I could just write it all out! But suffice it to say that when I am involved, I make sure that we cross every T and dot every i because I saw this coming.

So my little adventure has to keep us alive.

I’m scared but I know, I truly know that we will succeed.

One day at a time.

Get me through the transfer, let there be another baby and who cares about the rest. The world will open up and we will be happy again. It has been so long. Wow, I’m excited thinking about happy and us in the same sentence.

I do love my family so very much….now I just want to give my son his sibling. It is time.