I’m writing this cycle off. Sad as I am to do it – I just have to be realistic. This is 50/50 at this point and I have a shitty track record. It only took me about 2 hours of gut wrenching sadness (yes, the time in between these posts) and now I’m ready to go again. On Wed we’ll know for sure. Until then – I have to get about 70 pages of medical records and a photo of C and me to CCRM. I realized – C and I have barely any photos of ourselves since our wedding…together. This makes me really sad – we’ve been so preoccupied with trying to have babies and with our son that I think we forgot about each other. We have to change that.
And I suddenly realized – I have this beautiful little boy who is asleep in his crib and I’m not enjoying him to the fullest extent because I am trying so hard to give him a sibling. The truth be told, I’d love another child but this process has been so hard – at this point I am doing this only for him. Because we are older parents and I cannot bear the idea that something would happen to us and he would be all alone.
At 4:30 this morning Alex woke up and came into our bed and would not go back to sleep. He kept hugging both of us saying “my momma, my dadda”. At one point he kept giving me nose kisses – which I didn’t really appreciate at the time. His father got him to go to sleep by holding him close to his face – Alex kept stroking C’s cheek until he fell asleep.
We are so lucky and maybe I need to refocus on that and….I won’t give up but maybe I need to put this all in perspective. The point is to enjoy my family – not torture myself because it doesn’t look the way I think it should right now.