IF you can keep your head when all about you 
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
‘ Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling

This poem has been on my mind a lot lately.  My husband refers back to it almost weekly when talking to me for whatever reason…. so I might as well have memorized it by now (I always thought the last sentence was “and which is more – you’ll be a man, gunga din.  All his little sayings are all jumbled into one big long wordorama – most the Black Adder quotes – don’t ask.).

Let’s just say I was not in AP Literature due to my complete apathy for the written word at that point in my life.  Pity, really.  Now I love to read and….well, A Tale of Two Cities is still my favorite book. I digress.

I’ve called CCRM a few times this week.  They seem to have forgotten that I exist which fills me with a bit of apprehension.  Maybe they are super busy?  Maybe they thawed my embryos because I have a balance due on my account DESPITE having given them my credit card four times.  I don’t know!?!  I’m mystified.  The last time they thought I was someone else (I happen to share the same last name with another person who cycles there which has given me a fair amount of anxiety).

So next week I am going to ring every single bell and start to be “THAT PATIENT”.  I’ve been told how much they appreciate THAT PATIENT…you know, the one who calls and asks for the embryologist and demands to speak to Dr. S and rants on and on and on.  Seems those people get what they want while the respectful people get put on hold until the phone goes dead.  That is how it seems lately and I’m not sure why??  Anyone else with this experience?

I’m 44 and for whatever reason, they seem insistent that I carry these embryos.  Is it to inflate their stats?  I don’t know.  I have NO CLUE how many women get pregnant with their own eggs at the age of 44.5 years of age.  Likely not many (sorta cheating since my embryos were created three years ago, of course).  

Meanwhile my intended surrogate has her life on hold (HI there, darling) which causes me no end of frustration and guilt.  She feels badly even though this is not her fault at all.  At this point I need to just get ballsy and ask straight out – WHAT IS GOING ON!?!  Right?  What is happening….what?  

Getting back to the poem.  I’ve had a bit of drama in my life in the past month or so which has caused me to be introspective (to put it lightly).  I just don’t have time to hang around, be around people who are glass half empties – people always looking for a reason to be unhappy.  I’m done with the excuses that people have for their mediocrity.  We have one life and if you can’t approach each day as a gift….treat others the way (you know, that golden rule) you would want to be treated, act with kindness and search for the good in others then I don’t want to be around you.  I include myself in that – I am going to take a vacation from myself next time I hear myself whine for no good reason.  Nothing is productive about it.  So I am giving up negative energy.

I still enjoy a snarky bit of humor so let’s exempt that….but on the whole, I’m going to be repeating that poem to myself and hope you enjoy it as much as I have over the years.

My husband is always happy, by the way.  Well, he is almost always happy but when he isn’t, I’m pretty sure I know the reason.  As my good friend A says, “men are not complicated, just give them what they want and always keep them confused”.   She has a very good point – I think I have the “keep him confused” down and now for the rest!

I’ll keep you all updated with my quest to get an update from CCRM.  Anyone out there know if Dr. S is on vacation or something?  

Promise to this blog, to my IS and to myself – we are moving forward in late Sept. no matter what.  It has to be.

Thanks for all your emails and comments – I appreciate the words of wisdom.