Just like that. So the only surrogate that I would consider (pretty much) has been rejected by CCRM. As you know, I have no plan B. I did this on purpose because I just knew that they would let me do what I want. They are perfectly happy to let me do a FET into a 44 year old, recurrent miscarrier…oh that is just fine but a young woman who has five healthy pregnancies has been rejected.
I have no idea what to think let alone feel. My husband wants me to try to carry one and then do surrogacy for the other. I can’t even comment on that one. Really?
Right before I received the email I was cleaning out my office and found this cute little ultrasound of a developing baby (my son!) – you could see the feet developing and the head. I immediately showed my son and he was so excited to see himself at barely a CM. I looked closely after I told him and saw that there was very little room for movement. I then looked at the date and saw that it was from December 08. The chromosomally normal female that would be my daughter right now except….she isn’t.
Yesterday was not my day. Neither is today. I’m just done with thinking about it right now.
I also can’t keep my intended surrogate on hold anymore. She is ready for her last journey now and I’m facing a battle royal with my husband on who carries a pregnancy first and I am also in the middle of other things which require my full attention.
I wish I could get on a flight and disappear for a week to process this but I can’t.
I don’t even have any tears. I’m just numb.
There it is – and now I need to figure out what to do. Roll the dice? Try this myself? This is my last shot with my own eggs. No adoption per my husband. I’m up against the wall and have no idea if I even have the fight in me anymore. Defeated, party of one.