I met with my RE today…when I called them yesterday to tell them about the scan at the hospital they decided that waiting til Monday would be a bad idea.

At this practice ultrasound technicians perform all the scans and the doctor is never present (which is a first for me). This particular technician is a nice woman but doesn’t like to get into the details – which, to be honest, annoys the hell out of me. I suppose she is just doing her job and would probably get in a bit of trouble for sharing the information with me ahead of my meeting with the doctor….but come on. I knew better than to quiz her so I asked only one question ” does it still have a heartbeat?” and she said, “I don’t think so, I’m sorry”. (“I don’t think so” – WTF?) Before the doctor came in to meet with me I started crying. I couldn’t help myself. It really pissed me off – the last thing I wanted to do is sit and cry in front of my doctor. Luckily I found a great little trick – if you are ever in a situation where you need to dry the tears up quickly just dig your fingernails into the palm of your hand. Works like a charm.

So….I’m no longer in limbo. A D&C is booked for Monday. I feel sad but relieved. The stress of wondering, waiting, hoping against hope was getting to me. My body is already indicating that something is not right – I’m starting to have light cramping. I just hope and pray that I don’t miscarry before Monday as that would not only be very unpleasant but I need the embryo to be tested. I want to know if it was a boy or a girl – and I want to information about its chromosomes.

Right now I feel worse for my husband. He is taking it hard. I think he is surprised by his reaction. But I suppose I’m not. We both got our hopes up. We sorted through Alex’s baby clothes, we decided where the baby would sleep, the nuchal scan was booked, we were in discussions about finding out the sex….we told all our friends….we contemplated and began loving something as much as we love our son…..but what we didn’t do is expect a result like this. And for good reason – gestational sac problems are not common. Only 1.9% of pregnancies will end with this result. I’m sad for us but I am even more sad for our son. He is such a good, happy, social boy and he deserves to have a brother or sister. The thought of him as an only child breaks my heart. And so….we’ll begin treatments again as soon as my body is back to normal.

I won’t give up – at least not now..