Beta HCG

It is 35.  Not so great.  I was hoping for something more like 100.  It is early though so who knows what will happen.

how to become a janitor

Honestly – how do search terms like this lead one to my blog?

I feel like a janitor – I often look like a janitor but there is no information here that will help you become a janitor (a good one anyway).

I gave blood today.  I felt ill the entire time.

I should have a beta hcg number this afternoon – which I will promptly post.  Either way I will stress – if it is too low I am going to think that something is on its way out.  If it is too high – I’m going to stress about high order multiples.

In all honesty, I’m starting to feel like this cycle won’t work – simply because it cannot be this easy..

12 dpo

I promised myself I was done with peeing on sticks…  I had one First Response Early Result left so I hid it under pile of papers and clothes thinking I would forget about it.  I didn’t.  I managed to resist the urge for practically 2 days now but succumbed about 10 minutes ago.  At first it was white as snow and then came the line.  It is definitely lighter than the other line – but I know very well that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.  I was pregnant with my son and showed negative HPTs for days and days after that initial positive.

So blood test is tomorrow.  I’m trying to remember that I have been here before a few times and the result was never a good one.  Friends tell me that I should think positive but I think that is foolish advice.  Better to expect the worst, prepare for it.  It is a lot easier that way.

I’m off now to http://www.peeonastick.com to compare this recent test to those of the internet!

11 dpo

I’m 11 days past ovulation now.  Normally I would pee on another stick….but I can’t do it.  Never in my entire life of peeing on sticks have I had good news.  Never, ever.  Even when I was pregnant with my son – the tests kept getting lighter and lighter.  That, of course, is when I break out a bottle of wine (and not to share).  So I’ll actually wait for my beta (blood test) and find out the number.  Then I will have to go get another blood test 2 days later – and then 2 days later, repeat.

Normally what happens is that my levels start to go down and then they tell me to stop all medication….a chemical pregnancy.

Even if I didn’t have a chemical pregnancy – even if I did actually see a heartbeat – the stress doesn’t end there.  I’m 40 years old.  The miscarriage rate is…I think around 40%.  So I’m looking at another 10 weeks of worrying and wondering.  And then you have the testing….which is the biggest nail biter of all.

So – I’m looking at approximately 20 weeks of worry here – I might as well just try to ignore it and live my life.  I will tell you this though – I feel very ill (like I might have to vomit) so….that is good sign.

I’m off the march against proposition 8 this afternoon so I’ll post some photos when I get back.

Peeing on sticks at 9DPO

I know better than to pee on a stick at 9 days past ovulation.  But I did and you guess it!  Nada.

Most people would wait until their blood test but I like to soften the blow.  Makes it easier.  Even though I know I still don’t have the answers I seek – I’d rather expect the worst.  So here I am – expecting the worst!

Blood test is on Monday.  I’ll pee on more sticks tomorrow am.

I’ve scheduled my polyp removal, tentatively.  Had a long chat about insurance coverage (and am excited about the fact that we can probably do 3 more IVFs before it starts to really suck the life out of our bank account)….what else did I do?

I cleaned the sink!  Flylady.net is my new thing – because I am a procrastinator and I’m just way too creative and intelligent (her words not mine) to pair socks and organize kitchen cabinets.

My husband came home drunk last night after poker with his bosses.  Kept me up nearly all night as he forgot his key…

He was very excited to read about the lady whose boobs won’t stop growing – so, if you are out there – and I KNOW you are (because I see that someone has done yet another search for BOOBS WON’T STOP GROWING” today)….let us know how things are going.  If you want to know what I really think about your boobs growing – you are either 15 years old and suddenly have hit your growth spurt, you are pregnant OR (and this is pretty common with me) you are about to get your period and you are eating way too many curly fries.

To jinx or not to jinx

I’m going to jinx myself.  I’m feeling sick.  A mild nausea that has been lingering since yesterday afternoon.

And the dreams.  Everytime I’ve been pregnant in the past I’ve had insane dreams involving…well….people having sex!  I had one last night – I walked into a russian bath and there were all these people looking like they might be having sex soon – so I left (wisely) but not before admiring the tile on the bathroom wall.  It was gorgeous!!!

Today is 9 days past ovulation so…I could test tomorrow but I think I will wait until Sunday just to be sure.

IVF #4

While I wait to pee on a stick…perhaps now is a good time to tell you about failures 4, 5 and 6!  Because I cannot wait to spread the cheer!

IVF #4 started in late April – just after my 40th birthday.  About a year previous, when I was 9 months post partum, our RE recommended that we begin IVF asap.  We were in the middle of a move to another city (Atlanta) and the timing was not great.  We did a number of tests to ensure that my FSH was still low (and indicator or ovarian reserve) and was told that the number was around 7.  My highest reading to date by then had been 5 but anything under 10 is considered normal.  We figured a few more months wouldn’t hurt and we’d definitely need time to get settled in our new town before adding another pregnancy/child.  Nevermind the fact that we added a labrador retriever puppy to the mix – (I had no idea that a dog could be more work than a baby but I, um, know that now!)

We agreed in April to begin treatments with an RE in Atlanta who formerly practiced at Cornell (the number 2 clinic in the nation).  Dr. S is a nice guy – young, matter of fact.  He changed around my meds – which, in hindsight, I should have questioned.  So much of this process is a crap shoot and the medication protocol is by far the most important factor, in my opinion.  We went from a tried and true protocol to the crash and burn protocol.  I had 13 follicles with 5 eggs in them.  Of those 5 eggs, only 3 of them fertilized.  We put all of them back in on day 2.  Normally IVFers will put the embryos back in the uterus on day 3 – and if they are growing well and there is a large enough quantity of embryos – waiting until day 5 (blastocyst cycle).  Our RE called us the day after our fertilization report on Day 1 and said that based on the look of the embryos, he wanted to get them in sooner rather than later.  This concerned me.

On the day of embryo transfer I was given a percoset and told to arrive with a full bladder.  I was very excited when I entered the room where they tranfer the embryos to see a large digital photo of our three embryos.  They all looked good to me – even number of cells, little fragmentation – they looked perfect, in fact.  When I quizzed the embryologist he told me that “it doesn’t get better than this”.  The embryos were transferred and I went home to rest.  My mother was visiting and helped a great deal with my son – I was instructed not to pick him up for 2 weeks which is almost an impossible feat.  I was convinced that the cycle did not work – no symptoms other than feeling extremely exhausted (but that was likely the cause of the massive amounts of progesterone I was injecting into my body).  Around 9 days past ovulation I was eating a salad.  I took a bite of onion and suddenly felt the urge to vomit, I was cold and clammy and nearly fainted.  C looked at me wide eyed and said, “well, this is a good sign”.  He was right – the next day I took a test and it was positive.  Suddenly I started to feel every symptom – I was tired, cranky, blue veins all over my breasts, crazy dreams, hot flashes….  The next day every symptom was gone.  I rushed in to the doctor’s office for an early blood test.  Two hours later I got a call telling me that my beta level was 50.  I was definitely pregnant.  Exactly (and I do not exaggerate) 30 seconds later I started to bleed…and I mean bleed.

30 seconds of happiness and hope!  That was all this cycle could give me.  The next few days I spent in bed, hoping that the bleeding would stop.  I had another blood test a day later and…the level of HCG was going down.  A chemical pregnancy.  Something implanted and then died.  Probably a chromosomal abnormality – who knows.

I was going to jump right back into another cycle but this chemical hung around – for a month!  The levels would not go down.  Just when my RE was going to schedule a D&C – the levels started to drop.

And that, my friends, was that.