14 dpo

The torture is never ending.

Last night I peed on another stick. Line came up after a minute or so slightly darker than the previous day. When I spoke to the nurse she told me that an HPT would be show a light line with a beta level of 35. The line was indeed light. At 4:30am I tested again – right after I peed on the stick I noticed the blood. Not a lot but definitely red – by 7am it had turned to brown. Implantation bleeding? I had that with Alex so wouldn’t be surprising.

I peed on yet another stick while talking to my friend John. Yes, he is one of THOSE kinds of friends. A good one. He proved to be a lucky charm – the line was instantly darker – in fact, it is the same color as the control. So something is either growing or trying to grow.

My consult with Dr. Schoolcraft is tonight.

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OK one more..

I’m writing this cycle off.  Sad as I am to do it – I just have to be realistic.  This is 50/50 at this point and I have a shitty track record.  It only took me about 2 hours of gut wrenching sadness (yes, the time in between these posts) and now I’m ready to go again.  On Wed we’ll know for sure.  Until then – I have to get about 70 pages of medical records and a photo of C and me to CCRM.  I realized – C and I have barely any photos of ourselves since our wedding…together.  This makes me really sad – we’ve been so preoccupied with trying to have babies and with our son that I think we forgot about each other.  We have to change that.

And I suddenly realized – I have this beautiful little boy who is asleep in his crib and I’m not enjoying him to the fullest extent because I am trying so hard to give him a sibling.  The truth be told, I’d love another child but this process has been so hard – at this point I am doing this only for him.  Because we are older parents and I cannot bear the idea that something would happen to us and he would be all alone.

At 4:30 this morning Alex woke up and came into our bed and would not go back to sleep.  He kept hugging both of us  saying “my momma, my dadda”.  At one point he kept giving me nose kisses – which I didn’t really appreciate at the time.  His father got him to go to sleep by holding him close to his face – Alex kept stroking C’s cheek until he fell asleep.

We are so lucky and maybe I need to refocus on that and….I won’t give up but maybe I need to put this all in perspective.  The point is to enjoy my family – not torture myself because it doesn’t look the way I think it should right now.img_4274

So it goes like this

I tested on Friday at 10 dpo.  The test was super faint.  I used a First Response Early Result – last time I had a super faint HPT at 10 dpo (also on a Friday) my beta hcg was 12.  By Tuesday my level had reached 51 and pregnancy resulted in my son.  Today my beta was at 35 which would mean we want to see anything above 65 or so on Wednesday.

I can’t beta hell.  It could go either way.  When I woke up this morning it felt like my breasts weren’t as heavy and I still felt nauseated but not as much as I had the day before.  I could be wrong – but I haven’t been so far.

I have a consult with Dr. Schoolcraft tomorrow from CCRM in Colorado.  I’ll just focus my energy on the next cycle and hopefully be pleasantly surprised with this one.

how to become a janitor

Honestly – how do search terms like this lead one to my blog?

I feel like a janitor – I often look like a janitor but there is no information here that will help you become a janitor (a good one anyway).

I gave blood today.  I felt ill the entire time.

I should have a beta hcg number this afternoon – which I will promptly post.  Either way I will stress – if it is too low I am going to think that something is on its way out.  If it is too high – I’m going to stress about high order multiples.

In all honesty, I’m starting to feel like this cycle won’t work – simply because it cannot be this easy..

12 dpo

I promised myself I was done with peeing on sticks…  I had one First Response Early Result left so I hid it under pile of papers and clothes thinking I would forget about it.  I didn’t.  I managed to resist the urge for practically 2 days now but succumbed about 10 minutes ago.  At first it was white as snow and then came the line.  It is definitely lighter than the other line – but I know very well that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.  I was pregnant with my son and showed negative HPTs for days and days after that initial positive.

So blood test is tomorrow.  I’m trying to remember that I have been here before a few times and the result was never a good one.  Friends tell me that I should think positive but I think that is foolish advice.  Better to expect the worst, prepare for it.  It is a lot easier that way.

I’m off now to http://www.peeonastick.com to compare this recent test to those of the internet!

11 dpo

I’m 11 days past ovulation now.  Normally I would pee on another stick….but I can’t do it.  Never in my entire life of peeing on sticks have I had good news.  Never, ever.  Even when I was pregnant with my son – the tests kept getting lighter and lighter.  That, of course, is when I break out a bottle of wine (and not to share).  So I’ll actually wait for my beta (blood test) and find out the number.  Then I will have to go get another blood test 2 days later – and then 2 days later, repeat.

Normally what happens is that my levels start to go down and then they tell me to stop all medication….a chemical pregnancy.

Even if I didn’t have a chemical pregnancy – even if I did actually see a heartbeat – the stress doesn’t end there.  I’m 40 years old.  The miscarriage rate is…I think around 40%.  So I’m looking at another 10 weeks of worrying and wondering.  And then you have the testing….which is the biggest nail biter of all.

So – I’m looking at approximately 20 weeks of worry here – I might as well just try to ignore it and live my life.  I will tell you this though – I feel very ill (like I might have to vomit) so….that is good sign.

I’m off the march against proposition 8 this afternoon so I’ll post some photos when I get back.