Category Archives: infertility

IVF #3 continued..the peeing on sticks begins

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Where was I?  I got a faintly positive HPT….I wanted to be hopeful but unfortunately this was not the first time I’d been fooled. 

In November 2005, I was on my second cycle using clomid.  I’d given up on this cycle about a day or so after the doctor injected C’s washed sperm.  The follicles have to be a certain size before the administration of HCG (which tells them to mature and release from my ovary).  The idiots at my old clinic let my lead follicle (the boss of my ovary) mature to almost 3.0 – way too mature and thus completely useless.  I didn’t even bother with the progesterone suppositories – just gave right up and vowed never to go to that crappy clinic again. 

When it came time for me to pee on a stick, my Swiss co-worker urged me on.  He said, “I just know you are pregnant”.  I thought that was very odd and set out to prove him wrong.  Imagine my surprise when the HPT showed a positive sign.  I came out of the bathroom, told my co-worker that his intuition was right…and a small crowd appeared congratulating me.  My boss quickly pulled me into his office and closed the door- “Don’t say anything.  It is too soon and you are likely to be disappointed”.    Of course I didn’t listen.  I quickly called my husband, his parents, my own parents and then put a calendar pop up reminder saying “end of first trimester” on a random date 3 months in the future.  Of course all pregnancy test following were negative and so was the blood test three days later.  A chemical pregnancy.  Imagine the happiness my calendar reminder gave me by announcing “End of first trimester” right smack dab in the middle of my first failed IVF. 

Back to the cycle at hand – May 26, 2006…I did what any sensible POASer would do – I headed to my RE’s office for a blood test.  The blood test measures the level of HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin) – which is given off by the developing embryo when it attaches itself to the lining of the uterus.  Most HPT measure levels above 50.  The test I took measures levels as low as 25….the one that I used must have been extra sensitive.  My level at 11 days past ovulation was 12.  My doctor looked concerned when he told me and so was I.  Most women on my message board going through IVF had levels of HCG that were 50 – 200 by this time.  I had a measly 12.   We headed upstate to our house in Pawling that weekend.  Some friends from Ohio were coming to visit.  That was promising to be a much needed distraction.

At the same time, my cat Poofie had taken a turn for the worst.  This cat was given to me by my grandmother as a graduation gift from college.  He was a strange cat who seemed to both love and hate me.  He didn’t have the greatest life, poor thing – I lived for years in an apartment the size of a large bathroom with his brother Ted.  Poofie did, however, love my husband.  He lost the use of his legs and we had decided to spend one last weekend with him in Pawling before putting him to sleep.  I was pretty down in the dumps about it but tried to focus on the little miracle inside me..hoping it might decide to stay around.  I promised I would wait until Tuesday’s blood test and not use the 10 remaining HPTs in my purse…but I broke down.  The test was still positive but fainter than before.  I keep peeing on sticks all weekend and watched them become fainter and fainter.  I knew what this meant.  Another chemical pregnancy.  I was devastated and morose.  My husband tried to comfort me but there was no use.  

I tried hard to focus on Poofie’s last few days on this earth and the guests at our house Adam and Shauna..they had been together for a few years, recently had a child and when the subject of marriage came up at the dinner table, I pounced on Adam.  Poor guy.  I had a heck of a time convincing C to marry me and felt great sympathy for Shauna who seemed to wonder what was taking Adam so long!  I basically grilled him – enjoying him squirm in his seat as I reminded him that Shauna had given him a child and that he was being dishonorable to both his daughter and to Shauna by not marrying her that instant!  I kept up my attack until much to the shock of everyone he stood up at the table, pulled a ring out of his pocket and knelt by Shauna’s side.  She began crying and I, of course, shut my mouth!  It was such a surreal moment – I couldn’t believe it was happening right there before our eyes!  Adam had planned to ask Shauna but couldn’t find the right moment and when I started in, he couldn’t bear it anymore.  He had lugged a huge backpack of quarters with him to NYC, cashed them in and bought a beautiful ring in the diamond district.

This made our weekend happier – and I felt bad that my misery seemed to cast a shadow on such a special moment.  I took time to be by myself and meditate.  I began to fall asleep when I suddenly had a huge feeling of deja vu and a sudden knowing.  “You will have three children so stop crying and live your life”.  It was by far one of the strangest things I’ve ever “known”…that is the only way to describe it.  I held on to that and have continued to do so throughout all the hard times and all the disappointments.  

I got up from my rest and joined the group.  Tests were all 100% negative and decided a glass of wine was in order…only I didn’t stop at a glass.  I drank an entire bottle and then in my infinite wisdom, popped an ambien.

The mood at our house greatly improved as we celebrated Shauna and Adam’s engagement…yes, I did wake up with a huge hangover and a splitting headache.  It had been a long time since I’d indulged in a “Judy Garland” night as my friend Sandy and I used to call them…

Tuesday was my official beta HCG test but I was convinced it was over – on to Cornell, a new RE and hopefully a chance to have a child.

IUI #3

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Tonight I start taking meds for our IUI – this stands for intra uterine insemination. I’ll take a lower dosage of the medication than I normally do for IVF but instead of remove the eggs from my tired old ovaries I will take a trigger shot next week which will cause my body to ovulate all of the eggs. C’s sperm will be washed, cleaned and injected via catheter twice. Once right before the trigger shot and again the day that ovulation has been determined.

I give this about a 2% chance of working….

Laprascopic surgery, sex under duress and lots of porn

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I’m sorry.  I’ve never been known to edit myself and I’m afraid I won’t begin now.  If you are my husband or mother in law – you might want to just not read what I am about to write.

I had laprascopic surgery on the 7th of December – they removed the endometriosis from my ovaries (Stage 1 so this was not the cause of my infertility) as well as a small polyp from my uterus…. Somehow when they stitched me back up they forever ruined a perfectly good belly button.  Ah well.

The drugs were good.  I told the doctor that I loved him.  I hope that is all I said.  I’ve always been afraid that I might say something downright dirty to my rather handsome doctor….

So, following the surgery I made a deal with my husband that we would try good old fashioned sex for awhile before moving to IVF.  We agreed to try until March.  The following months I peed on ovulations sticks and rearranged my husband’s travel and poker schedules so that he could be around to give me his DNA.  What neither one of us expected was that baby making sex is the worst sex in the world.  Let’s face it – once you get married it takes a hell of a lot of effort to muster up the energy for sex sometimes.  We’re old.  We have jobs.  We like wine.

The first month went well.  Having sex every other day for 6 days certainly wasn’t easy but we managed.  The second month things started to get  A LOT harder (or shall I say…um maybe I won’t).  Out came the porn.  I know I will make my husband angry if I talk about his porn collection but – he married me so I guess he is going to have to live with the fact that all my friends now know that he has a “sexy over 60” magazine in the drawer.  You won’t believe these women.  They are gray haired, pendulous, national geographic looking boobs with caked on make up that looks as if it was applied by a blind 4th grader.  He insists that he never bought this particular magazine and there is a strong chance that our prankster friend Matt put it in the pile…but it does make me wonder.  I digress.

So…sex under duress became a lot easier when I left him and his magazine for a private, tender moment and returned as if by magic at the appropriate time.  Still we were not getting pregnant.

Month three sticks out in my mind.  My husband had a poker game planned and came home only to do the business.  I had invited some friends over for a little cocktail party at our house – we had a window of opportunity – between 6:30 and 7pm when our guests were to arrive.  I spoke with our doorman and told him that should anyone come to the apartment earlier than 7 – they were instructed to wait in the lobby.  I didn’t want anything to interrupt us.  This particular attempt was not going well – he was in an irritated mood, the magazines were not doing the job – “THINK OF SOME HOT LESBIANS” I instructed him – that seemed to be working…and then IN WALKS OUR FRIEND TOM saying “yooohooo, anybody home?”.  My husband was furious at me – got up, got dressed and left the apartment in a huff.  And there you have it – next up IVF #1.

The beginning of my blog should start at the beginning

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I got married in August 2005.  Three weeks later I was at an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist.  No reason to believe that there was a problem – I was 37 and healthy…and my husband was mystified if not down right annoyed with my insistence that I “kick the tires”.  He wanted to try for a year but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something might be wrong.  Call it intuition.  Turns out you should trust your intuition.

2 failed clomid cycles later (one chemical – hey!  better than nothing) and endless hours of waiting in the crappiest doctor’s offices on the planet (no names but it is in NYC and on 57th street). I was given the diagnosis – endometriosis and possibly blocked tubes.

One afternoon in November 2005 my boss found me sobbing at my desk and called me into his office.  I was certain that he was about to let me have it for being out of the office so much at dr. appts.  Instead he told me, confidentially, that he and his wife had tried for six years and had six IVFs and that she was currently pregnant with boy/girl twins.  He gave me the name of his RE and told me to call his doctor.  His doctor is a huge name in NYC with celebrity clients and a Fifth Avenue address.  It wasn’t going to be cheap but I felt desperate.  I immediately called the office and was told that the waiting list was six months long. When I mentioned that I was calling at the suggestion of Mr. B (my boss) I was told that the doctor had cancelled his lunch plans and would see me in two hours.

My husband I met Dr. F and had a long conversation – the plan would be to remove the endometriosis and to explore my uterus/tubes with laprascopic surgery.  When my husband inquired about the chances of me actually getting pregnant, Dr. F told us – “I could get this desk pregnant”.  We still laugh about that comment.

Surgery was scheduled for the beginning of December…and finally I felt like we had found someone that could help us in our quest to have a child.

God, I was naive.