Yep, that is ME! I let this blog sit doing nothing for an entire year. What a complete and utter waste.
I have plenty of things to talk about but at the moment they have little to do with making babies (I’ve put that in the deep recesses of my mind while I work on my nutritional profile – more on that later).
Life has taken a few twists and turns and my fate, and the fate of my embryos rests on things that are completely out of my control. I am going to have an update soon so if you pray, put me on your list, please. To say that the past year has been difficult is beyond the scope and meaning of the word. I am surprised by my resilience but then again, what woman in the face of adversity doesn’t normally kick ass? Well, mostly. Sorry for being vague – even some things are just too personal to share with strangers (I mean, fellow sisters in procreation!).
My son broke my heart into a million fragments the other day. We were having dinner alfresco (as we do) and he says “Can you please tell Ms. Chris that I have a baby brother who just got born?”. He had that sheepish, awkward look of a boy who told a fib and felt bad about it but didn’t want to be caught. I told him that I couldn’t lie like that and he literally BEGGED me. Ms. Chris is his long time babysitter and he apparently told her that I had a baby. SO, the next day MS. Chris’s sister (her sister is the cook at my preschool) comes to my office to ask about the new baby, Jack. I didn’t know whether to cry or to laugh hysterically so I did the latter. Gosh, this kid wants a brother or sister so badly that he is making them up.
I went to see a medium. I know. Desperate. I sat down and she said, “you’ve had six miscarriages”. I was a big floored because I think that she is right (it is either six or seven and I am pretty sure it is six). She couldn’t have known, she only had my first name. She told me that I was doing something different with education and that I needed to keep on going, keep doing it because it is the way things are supposed to be. A few friends visited and my grandmother. The details were so specific that there was NO way that it wasn’t real. She told me that I would have another child – a boy. She told me that I was not meant to have girls and that my maternal grandmother was proud of me for breaking the cycle (which means something to me – more on that later). It was a positive interaction. At the end I asked her how I was going to get pregnant and keep a baby and she told me “you are going to make it happen with pure intention”. I thought about it. She then said, “you have far greater powers than I do when it comes to making things happen by creating what you want with razor sharp intention”. So I’m holding on to what she said and believing in her words and my power of intention. I do believe that we create our reality and I do believe that you can literally do just about anything that you want to do in this life. So, if the aforementioned struggles can resolve, I will intend my son, now frozen in time, to join us. I still hope she was confused and meant to say that I’ll have boy/girls twins. Oh the greed! I need to just hope for anything. Being sad about it all the time does me no good but for now, I have all the emotions locked up in a little box in the deep recesses of my brain until I know which way my compass is pointing.
I promise to write more newsy blogs about infertility because I have a very strong opinion about diet and the ability to conceive. I want to write more but for now, please go out there and get your dose of vitamin D and make sure you are not iodine deficient.
Love to all my fellow infertile warriors – don’t give up, keep on keeping on. Anything is possible, I promise.
2 thoughts on “Bad blogger alert”
Just found your blog. So sorry for all you’ve been through. I’m a fellow CCRM patient and have been going there for over a year and a half but have very little treatments to show for it. Sending you lots of love on this journey…
That is great what the medium told you. “razor sharp intention” Love it! I have followed your posts for several years. Happy to hear you are still determined. I’ve had 5 miscarriages, the last 2 with donor eggs. Waiting for pgs results before I do any more transfers since the last 2 were perfect 5 AA blasts. Due to maternal cell contamination I never got a karyotype result. So knowing if the last 4 frozen embryos are normal will take a big weight off my shoulders. The pgs test can tell if the aneuploidy came from the egg or sperm. Take care, I hope we both get our rainbows xx