Getting ready….with reluctance

I think this is what you call an overdue post. Way overdue but life got in the way…it wasn’t a typical spring for me and that has something to do with it but..more on that later.

I had my APA (antiphospholipids) panel done recently and it came back 45 which is one point higher than normal. The doctor didn’t even call me. I just saw a little tiny note at the bottom which said “consistent with early miscarriage”.

I paused.

WhAT??????????????????? So in essence, the gazillian treatments I have been through and the angst and worry and heartbreak could have warranted a phone call? I had to remind myself that this was my GP dong a test which I requested. They aren’t my RE and they certainly have bigger issues to deal with than my slightly elevated APAs.

I’m planning to try to transfer one or both of the embryos. But something is holding me back. That test result – for example. And this (this is ME! – only CCRM has yet to agree with IVig so I’d have to seek treatment IN ADDITION TO GETTING MY BODY TO DEVELOP A NICE LINING):

The aim of this trial was to investigate the efficacy of massive i.v. immunoglobulin (MIVIg) treatment for women with a history of recurrent spontaneous abortion (RSA) due to unexplained aetiology. The study included nine women (11 pregnancies) with a history of four or more consecutive RSA with unexplained aetiology and no live births. The mean number of fetal losses was 4.5 (range 4-6 abortions). Over the course of 5 days, immunoglobulin (20 g/day) was infused i.v. at gestational weeks 4-7. No additional infusions were carried out. Two pregnancies out of the 11 conceptions resulted in missed abortions at gestational weeks 6 and 7 respectively. Mosaicism (46XX/ 48XX, +16, +20), and tetraploidy (92XXXX) were found by chromosome analyses of the two aborti. Eight out of the other nine pregnancies resulted in full term deliveries of healthy neonates. One pregnancy developed intrauterine growth retardation and fetal distress, resulting in a premature delivery (30 gestational weeks) by Caesarean section. Thus, excluding the two abortions with chromosome aberrations, the MIVIg treatment was effective in all nine pregnancies of RSA women with unexplained aetiology. This MIVIg treatment (100 g administered in early gestation) may be a beneficial alternative to previous IVIg infusion methods, and should be further evaluated in a multicentric, placebo-controlled study, employing a larger number of homogeneous patients who fall into a high risk category of first trimester abortions

So I’d have to do two rounds of IVIG to get past the first trimester – that is at least 8K AND I would be high risk so would likely go out of network on my insurance – my former OB charges about 600 a visit or all in (likely 15K for the birth). We are talking surrogacy rates just for me to carry never mind the risk of a 45 year old woman carrying one/maybe two babies (with a bit of high blood pressure thrown into the mix). I feel paralyzed. So old grumpy pants (the man I married who is now suddenly wondering if he could handle a baby again after we have arrived at this blissful age of 6 with our child – but….he will do whatever it is that makes me happy and I guarantee you that he will love it if this does work out)..one of my deep desires is to give him a little girl (because even though we have a “daddy’s boy” I don’t think he understands how wonderful the father/daughter bond can be. I digress.

What do I do with all of this? To have two normals would typically mean a hole in one, a slam dunk…at least for most women. But the risk is just too big for me. I just can’t bring myself to make the call or plan the FET when I have so many conflicting emotions. I want them both to be our children – I also want desperately to be the one who gives birth to them but more than anything, I don’t want to let my body fail them and end up having lost them both. I don’t know how I’d pick up those pieces.

Thoughts? I hate this.

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3 thoughts on “Getting ready….with reluctance

  1. Hi Suzanne,
    Thanks so much for your fab and inspiring blog.
    I came across it as googling ‘small sac prognosis’!
    I’m sorry to read of your struggles with all this IVF stuff.. I have felt so alone in all this and reading your stories has made me feel human again..
    I am on IVF# 2 after MC last yr at 8wks and then 1 failed FET and remaining 2 frosties didn’t survive thaw.. No children and 41 next week 😦
    Now 8wk+3 following fresh transfer on IVF#2 and was feeling so happy initially to have +ve hcg.. but after crap start of low HCGs, small FP with no HB at 6weeks… And having no pregnancy symptoms at all.. Then last Thursdays scan at 8wk+1 we were told foetal pole good, HR good.. Oh but hang on.. Sac a bit small.. Could be a sign of potential poor placenta development.. !?
    Why don’t they just tell is the f-ing cold hard factual truth!? CRL is 14.2mm MSD is 14.4mm that’s a .2 difference… I’m not stupid.. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that’s not right!
    Anyway.. I’m angry and so so sad and scared.. And then I came across you whilst confirming my worries and can see i have over 80% chance of losing this baby… Fuk it all!!!!
    Husband is useless and tells me to stop looking on Internet!? He seems to believe in ignorance is bliss.. I’m starting to believe he’s an idiot…
    anyway.. back to the point… I think it’s the first time I have laughed out load and felt really comforted by anyone in this whole awful infertile bullshit journey.. . So I just wanted to say Thank you for your frank and blunt openness it is so refreshing and makes me feel less of a freak!
    I’ve signed up to you so you better keep blogging!
    I don’t understand some of your history .. I think you have a lot more complex fertility treatment options than we do in NZ… It’s a bit backward here! But I do hope you get there one way or another.. Keep us posted and keep us all sane in this crazy infertile battle.
    Cheers
    Jen.. (Brit living in New Zealand)

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