1. You should adopt and then you will get pregnant.

Yeah – ok your cousin’s best friend’s sister did this TWICE and was able to get pregnant after she wasn’t “focusing” so hard on having a baby.  Um.  Whatever.  Everyone has these stories and while I am glad to hear that things like this do happen – consider a woman who has been through 10 failed IVFs, multiple IUIs and a second trimester miscarriage – I know lots and lots of them.  So please, I know you are trying to be helpful but you aren’t.  You are being annoying and if you tell me that story one more time I am going to punch your head in.  I’m serious.

2. All my husband had to do was look at me and I got pregnant – I’m so fertile

You are very lucky and I wish they gave our medals for such amazing feats!  I worship you!  May I just ask, what does this have to do with me?  Nothing – oh right!  Weren’t you just asking how my fertility treatments were going?  Silly me – I guess you wanted to talk about you!   I’ll let it pass this time but NEXT time I am going to spend the next hour talking non-stop about my e2 levels for each and every day of my last six cycles and exactly what they mean – we’ll go over them in detail and I’ll bore you (hopefully to death).  I also have photos (REAL PHOTOGRAPHY) of my ovaries – that will surely finish you off.

3.  You can have some of my eggs.

You are 40 years old and just because you eeked out one good egg does not mean you are the goddess of all fertility.  In fact, did you know by chance that most of your little eggies are rife with chromosomal abnormalities by the age of 40!?!   To answer your question, no I don’t want your old eggs – I’ve got enough of my own.

4. You can always adopt.

Fuck off.

5. You can always buy a dog.

Seriously fuck off.

6.  My husband has super sperm and that is why I am able to get pregnant.

Good thing too – because he is no fun to look at.

7. If you just relax it will happen.

Good thing I didn’t listen to this particular bit of assvice or I would not have my son.  This bugs me the most.  Let’s have a little biology lesson, shall we?  When you have abnormal sperm meeting abnormal egg it results in either no conception or an abnormal embryo which more than often results in NO PREGNANCY.  When you have one normal egg and one abnormal sperm  – you get the same glorious result.  When you have one abnormal egg and one normal sperm – the same result again!!!  And throw in a few bad timings (normal egg and normal sperm but didn’t get a chance to meet) and a few implantation failures and a few chemical pregnancies….not to mention blocked fallopian tubes, low sperm count, premature ovarian failure, endometriosis, bi-corniate uterus, asherman’s syndrome, etc. etc……please never mention relaxing again.  No amount of relaxation is going to give me (and many women) a child.  That is why were are seeing a doctor!!

8. These days it is really easy for a 45 year old woman to get pregnant – the technology is amazing. Everyone in Hollywood is waiting to have babies later in life.

You need to google “donor egg”, my friend.

9. So many people are having trouble conceiving – it must be God’s way of culling the population.

My friend really said this….I let it pass – it was her birthday!

10. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be

Thanks, mom.  I’ll get back to you after my therapist appointment.

11.  Are you pregnant yet?

Dickhead – stop asking met his question!  You’ll know when I am pregnant because I will be shouting it from the rooftops.  If I had cancer would you be asking me “hey how is that cancer going”….the answer is hopefully no.

12. So how many embryos did the doctor IMPLANT and doesn’t that mean you could have like sextuplets?

A doctor transfers the embryo into the uterus – they choose whether or not to implant (please get that right because you sound stupid) and no, it doesn’t mean anything.  I tranfered 21 embryos into my uterus to get one little boy.  Think about that.

Ok – time to play with DS – he is finally getting bored with Thomas the tank engine.  I’m not bored (or done with this thread however).  I’ll be back with more nuggets of wisdom from non thinking fertile friends and enemies – oh yeah and FRENEMIES!