Not great news

The baby is measuring approximately 5/6 days behind – measuring 7 weeks exactly. My RE said that he was concerned but that the only thing we can do is wait and see at the next scan. I quickly booked another scan with a fetal medicine expert – they found that I am measuring 7 weeks 1 day. I should be measuring 7 weeks 6 days. At my last scan I was measuring 3 days behind.

It isn’t what I wanted to hear, naturally. I’ve googled and searched for information – and found that most women with this prognosis have gone to miscarry. Sure there are a few women who went on to have normal pregnancies…and there is always a chance that I had a late implanter (which I suspect is the case) but I’m not filled with optimism that this is going to turn out well. Again, I hope I’m wrong.

There is probably nothing worse that how I feel right now – I want to hope for the best but I know too damn much. Now I just have to wait until Monday and hope that this little baby grows and thrives meanwhile preparing myself for the worst.

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Dreams…

So, I had a dream last night that my beta HCG flatlined. I woke up scared that maybe this pregnancy is over. I just talked my RE into seeing me for an ultrasound. If everything is OK he is going to give me the “calm down, you neurotic New Yorker” or…he’ll have to admit that I have psychic, all knowing powers. I hope it is the former. You see, I’ve been wrong about just about everything regarding this cycle/this pregnancy. Have I mentioned that I am certain that we’ll be having (arghhh) a boy? My husband is equally as certain that we’ll be having a girl (he cites his male intuition). Considering that I’ve been mostly wrong…maybe he is right?

6 weeks 5 days

And we have a heartbeat!

I felt like it could go either way – I don’t really feel pregnant but I do have some symptoms…I’m tired and I have porn star boobs…oh and I occasionally feel like vomiting.

So that is the update for now – embryo is measuring normal for dates, heartbeat is good. 2 more weeks and I need to find an OB.

I apologize for dull postings – it is hard to think when your brain is half asleep.

5 weeks 5 days

I don’t know – am I? I thought I was 6 weeks tomorrow but who am I to argue with my RE? Sorry for the lengthy absence but I’ve had nothing to say. In times of stress I tend to retreat and shut everyone out.

I was doing fine, actually. I fully intended to wait until Friday the 5th of December for my ultrasound but…I woke up this morning and scheduled an ultrasound. I KNEW it was too early but my curiosity and nervousness got the better of me. And, as expected, there was no heartbeat. All that could be seen was a gestational sac and a yolk sac. My RE assured me that this was completely normal and that early ultrasounds are discouraged for this very reason – it just causes more stress. He instructed the nurses to prohibit me from having another ultrasound until next week – which made me laugh. When I quizzed him about my need to do IVF in the future (I mean…IUI did work and IVF did not) he told me that I basically got lucky (I’m not sure I agree with him but that is another story). Then he rolled his eyes and reminded me that I should focus on the good news and not start planning for the failure.

Before some wise ass tells me to “think positive” and stop being so negative – I would like to say just one thing. It is easier to fall from a chair than a cloud. I read this on my IVF message board and couldn’t agree more. So back off and understand that my negative thinking is protective. Thanks. And to all my friends who call and email and worry about me – I’m fine. I just don’t feel like talking about it. I’ll be back soon, I promise.

My next ultrasound is scheduled for a week from today – Monday. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to keep my mind occupied but considering I have a very active toddler, I’m sure it won’t be hard.