So there you go. The truth is, I’m in no shape to be pregnant. Too much stress and even though it has nothing to do with getting pregnant, it does have something to do with staying pregnant. I’ve started taking Vitamin E and L-arginine as there is study that shows improvement with linings and addition of these supplements (and vaginal viagra but the doctor won’t give it to me). I’m going to ask about tamoxifen….we’ll see. I also started B complex and noticed an immediate change to my anxiety (especially morning anxiety – can you imagine waking up at 6:30am and feeling like you need a xanax…it isn’t fun).

Thanks for checking in on me and I appreciate the comments and notes. I wish life was a bit easier but it just isn’t.

I encourage anyone who is going through IF to always trust your gut, research until your eyes hurt and know your body. Do not put your faith and trust in any doctor as YOU know your body best and if you don’t – get to know it. That is the best advice I could give anyone and wish I knew this ten years ago.

So I am going to be poked and prodded and try not to think about work. Sorry I’m a shitty blogger but I truly found something that makes my life complete even if I have Alex and done. Now I have hugs from kids each day…they think I am cool because I am the “principal” and I think they are the most beautiful creatures I’ve ever met. I’ll keep you post…either way, here on out we talk happy. I’m willing to make a lot of changes to get there. I’m armed with IGG, dexamethazone and more to keep my body from going into the den of destruction.

I also bought the six day early result but may bug CCRM to do an early blood test. Oi.

I’m exhausted though, truly. My preschool is growing a little faster than anticipated but that only allows me to hire some people that I wouldn’t have been able to hire previously. We seem to have reach a great stride but, as with anything related to children, every day is a different one. We had a little troll action on the internet which was amusing (especially since they don’t know I’ve been through this before and know how to maneuver the system). I made sure to get a subpoena filing in action for future reference – dumb that they don’t know IP addresses lead you straight to the person. Straight to their computer. Libel and slander are serious things when you have a business. They wrote idiotic things about me, the teachers and our curriculum (which made me laugh, truthfully but I’m going to treat it seriously). I’ll be interested when I get the names back of the offenders. Some of our parents were so wonderful, they all offered to write reviews and get involved (and some did) but I still think that is a waste of time. I have a few aces in the hole when I need them – enough said.

My husband has an interview (thanks to his college roommate and my son’s godfather – he was one of the people in the UK who had a huge hand in created TARP – or “the bailout”. So the reference is about as good as you can get,). So who knows where life will take us but I know one thing – the school has changed so much for me that I cannot imagine ever not being here. Commuting to NYC? Hmmmm.

So we are in the last stretch of the FET process and if things don’t go my way with the testing, it will be surrogate time. I’m not going to lose genetically perfect embryos just because my body likes to kill everything that enters it.

Next week the OB. Same one who saw me for the internal bleeding at Piedmont. Truth said, I’m going back to NYC if I do get pregnant. I cannot imagine not going to Janice Marks.

Better cross that bridge when I come to it or there will be random tears. For now, I’m holding on to hope.

Dang – after being every 30 days BAM!!!! I am left wondering where in the hell good old Aunt Flo or whatever you happen to call your period. This makes me most uncomfortable. Especially after I told my young son that I was never going to die, yesterday. Well, he is obsessed with death. He made his father give up smoking. Today is the last day and husband is making a huge deal of his last day as a smoker. He gets to play golf, open a special bottle of something insanely expensive and then make love to his boxes of cigarettes because apparently LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. Rolling my eyes. I’ve been through the big ceremony a few times, you see. I’m a hair bit over it.

I digress. The lack of period is likely my left ovary shrinking into nothing after having been stabbed the wrong way around IVF #5. Who knows. Poor thing. I just worry that it might be what I dread most – ovarian cancer. Sure they say there is no link between IVF and cancer but I am not believing any study sponsored by a group representing a billion dollar operation. Thanks, but no.

Starting off right. Talking about my uterus! I’d determined, however, to post more than 8 times this year. I think this year I might even post every day just to tell you what I’m up to. Even just a little fly by wave. Since there are so many people coming here (boeings full of people) I have to perform.

The news of the day is that I am on my first cup of coffee (which will be my last) and had a cup of tea and a PB and J sandwich WITH my prenatals, aspirin and B vitamins. Blessed be the lord for the person who created the pill a day pouch. Now I can know what day it is and also that I have definitely taken my vitamins.

Oh and my preschool is about to get the greatest gift ever – but I’ll save that for next post.
Tonight I’m taking my teachers out to dinner and some of them are going to be very, very happy. I’m about to give them something special….and then my mom arrives on Tuesday so they will at least love me for a few days.

Oh and this week I’m going to get me some IVIG. How to fund, how to fund….ah, I have an idea for that too. More on that in a red hot minute. Hasta manana!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Fresher than ever.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 5,100 times in 2010. That’s about 12 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 8 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 99 posts. There were 4 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 893kb.

The busiest day of the year was December 9th with 70 views. The most popular post that day was Consult with Dr. Schoolcraft..

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com, ivfconnections.net, facebook.com, estrogenprimingprotocol.blogspot.com, and en.wordpress.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for dr schoolcraft, dr. schoolcraft, schoolcraft ivf, saizen ivf, and way too much information ivf blog.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

Consult with Dr. Schoolcraft. November 2008

Back…IVF #9 with CGH Microarray (part 2) December 2009

About October 2008
6 comments

am i ok? my boobs won’t stop growing? November 2008

What am I doing? January 2009

So back to the resolutions malarky. I started with the coffee and now I’m taking prenatals on time and eating with them! Duh. I’m bumping up the folic acid. I don’t drink too much but I take anti anxiety meds. I’ve halved my dosage (that is also a big thing for me as I tend to be over anxious, imagine that). Drinking will cease from 2x per week to about none. I’ve started my daily baby aspirin, am drinking lots of water and going to about five more doctors – pap smear, mammo (all required by Schoolcraft to do an embryo transfer) and then the doctor to give me IVIG who my doctor made a referral and “recommended” that he do whatever I want. Hoping insurance will take it or it is 3K a pop and I need at least 3 of them if not 4.

Wow, exciting post!

The doctor did tell me that it was pretty clear that I have an autoimmune disorder but that it was also a good thing because I’ll probably never get cancer. Oh doctor, don’t worry, my body has ways of surprising!

So that is it. Countdown begins. I’ve started thinking about what will happen if it doesn’t work and the idea is grim but I’ll survive but I won’t give up. I won’t have a lot of options at that point but I’ll find a way.

So there it is – my new years resolution. To get healthy enough to have a baby in 2 months.

Off to sign up two new students – TWO! And I signed up three more for May. So we are growing and I can’t be more happy about it. My teachers are happy, I’m finally happy with where we are headed and what we are doing. I no longer feel alone in the process but like a team is behind me – a team of really great teachers who promise me not to give me any stress during the month of March and onward (ha).

I’ll tick “a whole lot of nothing” as a category for this post. Certainly it was nothing like my post for www.waitinginsunshine.typepad.com. THAT was a post.

Happy New Year friends. I can’t believe I have loyal readers after I basically post ever once in 6 months.

And lastly, may babiesornot.blogspot.com be healthy in the New Year. I have some amazing cyber friends.

My friend and her husband are parents today. She isn’t just any friend – she is a most spectacular individual who has endured 11 IVFs, a 20 week loss of a much wanted little boy…just so much. She is so special to me for so many reasons. She has done things for me that are unimaginable.

Today my friend is a mommy to a little boy and girl and that is just about the most fantastic thing in the whole world. This story gives every infertile couple reason to have hope. She never gave up. In the end, her diagnosis was a mystery until they discovered that she had celiac. As soon as she gave up wheat, six months later she cycled and lo and behold, twins.

Today is such a special day that I will leave it on that note. I have wonderful things to tell you (no, I’m not pregnant) but I have found a doctor who understands why I’ve been miscarrying and we are about to end that….soon. But today is nothing about me.

Today is about the sunshine coming through the clouds for my friend. No posting on her site. Let her tell the world. Her story is shared here:

http:// will post the info once she has posted her news.

First things first – my uterus. I’m so sick of vaginal ultrasounds, blood taking/giving and all that goes with the most routine visit to the RE. So, after Doctor H (that is what I will call him – the doctor here in our new city is also my friend’s husband…weird but I’m getting over it) saw the septum I booked a hysteroscopy in Denver with Dr. S. UNDER SEDATION. No way was I going to do that awake like I did the time before. What did he find? Nothing. NOTHING!! I have no septum.

What I do have is a secret that I am about to share with you. I begged the doctor to tell me the sexes and he told me that the policy was not to give the information because it is not correct (I know it is 90 percent correct from what I’ve read). He didn’t tell me but I found out – I won’t say how but the 5AB is a girl and the 4BB is a boy. I knew it! I JUST knew it. Girl embryos are stronger and will likely implant sooner than a boy. With my son – he did not implant until day 10 (the last day in the window). How do I know? I was going to a Chinese doctor for acupuncture and he told me that he felt a good pulse but still no implantation. I’d gone to him for days after the transfer and he kept saying the same thing. The pee sticks (damn I even hate writing the words) were all negative. So Dr. Wu (love this guy and will post his info at the bottom of this post) told me that Wednesday afternoon that because it was day 10 and there was no implantation yet, he would try something else. Not sure what he did but 2 hours later I started to cramp. One and a half days later I tested positive with the FRER (love you FRER) and my beta was 11. They are supposed to detect levels of HCG above 25 but there it was – a DOUBLE LINE. So I know that boy embryos can cause a mama all sorts of stress because they take their damned time.

As for why I am so absent – I started a preschool. About a year ago around right now (precisely!) I was doing my last IVF. I remember sitting in the bedroom crying, feeling miserable and then went out and bought a whole bunch of books. One book was Nurture Shock. I read it and then immediately decided that I would open a preschool. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t something that just came to me. I’ve wanted to open a preschool my entire life (first it was an orphanage but that was when I was very young). So start a preschool I did. At the time, in the Inverness Hotel with tears streaming down my eyes I thought…if I can’t have more children, I’ll have hundreds. I also am a huge proponent of early education – at home, at a good preschool, music classes. Kids are so, so much smarter than we give them credit for and my preschool recognizes this and promotes teaching and learning UP (without pressure – everything we do is fun so they think they are just playing but no sir, they are learning!). I have a 17 year old boy who can look at an A and say AH (what the letter says). I am so excited about the school and what is happening there. To say it was hard work is a huge understatement. I gathered together all the resources, people and my own gumption and just did it. When my husband lost his job (another post..lest my blood pressure go up) this school will likely weather us through the unemployment storm. Right now I’m working 14 hour days and not getting much to see for it (monetarily speaking) but I know that if we keep doing what we are doing that we will develop and grow locally and I hope nationally. I truly detest some of the preschool education that is out there right now – some of it is awesome and wonderful and others are a complete joke. Kids deserve better. So much better. Every day I have at least 15 hugs from kids who see me in the hallway or when I enter their room to speak to their teacher. Every hug reminds me why I have done this and I truly love each child in my school. They are all so very different but amazing and wonderful beings. I will post about what we are doing and why it is so special. It also helps to employ real teachers who have years of experience!

So I’m waiting for the stress of owning my own business to lower and then will do the transfer.

Wow – if I had boy/girl twins at the age of 43 that would be some serious miracle. I will post more. I want to keep this blog moving and hopefully share some of the information I have on all of the things I’ve ever done:

1. Be a recording artist and songwriter
2. Be infertile and obsess about it
3. Open my own business

There is more but for now here is Dr. Wu’s info – I loved him and plan to go back to see him pre transfer (or someone here) and then post transfer after Denver. That is probably just too much flying around. Thanks for being a reader and hanging in there with me as I disappear and then reappear. I’m going to use this little blog as an outlet – the next few months are likely to be hard. I’ll need to vent but only to you. In real life I need to be a “tough chick” (as my friend Sherean says and as Gwen Stefani inspired her to say).

Will keep you posted. Aiming for February!

http://www.nyfertility.org/associated-staff.html (scroll down to read up on Dr. Wu)

So yesterday must have been my 1000th hysteroscopy. I told him that there is no way I will stay awake (like a certain doctor once did to me – hell, I was awake for a d&c with just a little valium and that was not right).

This time the uterus was fine BUT the doctor asked, “so did anyone mention that your uterus has a sort of cliff or a bulge to it”. What? A bulge. So it was explained as more of a septum. After all these tests and laps and hysteroscopies (which isn’t even a word so says my spell check). After all of that. I’m talking 300K.

300K and now I get this.

The good doctor explained that it probably wouldn’t impede any implantation but that it probably was the reason for my preterm labor. He told me I could probably hold twins but not triplets.

Funny. I just want to hold anything.

So I’m in a funny spot, doing the buildup of my lining to see how it will grow. Using the vivelle dots (or strips as I would rather call them) and seeing where all of this goes. I want to put the embryos back in by early October. It is time.

I’m so scared it won’t work and so scared that it will and I’ll lose them. Why can’t I just get pregnant and, well, be like everyone else? It is still a mystery but I’m piecing it together. The completely crazy chromosomal disasters that are most of my embryos take two to tango. I can’t blame that on just me and I am still making normal eggs at age 41 so that is good. The fact that I have two normals on ice is even better but typically they only work with women with a normal uterus. Do I have a normal uterus? I’m not sure anymore.

I do have normal, open fallopian tubes. How nice.