More waiting….

May 8, 2012 in infertility | Leave a comment

UGH. I hate talking to him on the phone. I get all nervous like I’m talking to a first boyfriend for the first time or…like I have my entire family’s future in someone else’s hands. He was in a good mood. I had written him a note about the surrogate and my reasons for not understanding why she would not be a candidate. He is planning to take my note to a meeting with the other doctors to discuss the matter as a group. He didn’t give me much hope but I told him that this is my only option. I also reiterated that I do not think a singleton in her body would be a problem. I discussed my own issues maintaining a pregnancy and of course opened up another can of worms – he won’t transfer two to me (if it gets to that which I sincerely hope it does not). The bottom line for me is that I do not want to be 50 and still making babies. He laughed and told me that I wouldn’t….but if I can’t have a surrogate then who is going to give birth to them? Me.

So he is going to let them read my letter – which was pretty good. I’d post it but don’t want to reveal too much about her so we’ll leave it at that. Back to waiting.

I did reiterate that she is my only option. Hopefully that will get him to reconsider? I hope so.

Happy Tuesday!

One hour until….I talk to Dr. Schoolcraft

May 8, 2012 in infertility | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

So in one hour I’ll find out whether or not I’m going to be able to use my surrogate at CCRM or if I will have to pack up the embryos and bring them elsewhere. Please let him be in a good mood! ARGH!!!!

Now I am mad. And more…

May 2, 2012 in infertility | Leave a comment

So it doesn’t take much to get me going these days…but the nasty review on Carolyn Savage’s book (check out amazon or under her book) – it is the most recent review with 3 stars and is an UGLY attack on a good woman. I am just seeing red about it. She is a friend, as I’ve mentioned, and does not deserve such crap. Anyway, check out her book. It tells a poignant story and if any human being deserved to have the family that she wants it is her and her husband Sean. Why don’t people get it?

Back to my ranting. I have seen so many autistic kids lately. I’ve recently admitted two on the spectrum to my school (both high functioning but need help socializing). The parents are so desperate to help their kids. So I’m reading everything about it and of course potential food issues behind it. Let me diverge a bit and talk about the food we are eating. It is on my mind and should be on yours too. I’m halfway convinced that my consumption of dairy/gluten is to blame for a lot of things and going to give the paleo diet a try. I’m not a huge fan of fads but I am all for sustainable, organic, healthy options for me and for my family. If you are trying to get pregnant – cut out all fish (to be safe) and limit your carbs. One in 55 boys are now affected. That screams environmental exposure in my opinion. We can start by demanding that the food we eat carry labels on it – no mystery names for carcinogens. I’ll post more as I see fit but this is still very much a blog about CCRM, MICROARRAY, CGH and seeing if a 44 year old can kick odds to the curb blog. But there has to be a what if in all events? It could be a food blog? A conspiracy theory blog? But not a baby blog. I’ll always be infertile even if my family is complete (which, by the way, is up to the family – sending love to the Savages for being rockstar parents).

Check this out: (EDITED TO REMOVE THE WORD MOM – you don’t have to be a MOM to care about our food and…every woman who wants to be a mother is a childless MOM – I digress).

PEOPLE have a right to know what they feed their families.

Take action today

Ask a PERSON in your life to contact the FDA and help us reach 1.2 million supporters NOW!

EDITED TO ADD – SORRY I LET THE M DAY and MOM thing get past me – won’t happen again.

Dear Suzanne,

My youngest daughter’s face began to swell shut at breakfast one day – and I had no idea why. We were only eating waffles, scrambled eggs, and tubes of blue yogurt…so what was happening to her?

Before my daughter had a violent allergic reaction that morning, I honestly hadn’t given a lot of thought to what I fed my kids. I mean, if it was on grocery store shelves, it was all the same, right?

But since then, like so many PEOPLE, I learned that there are all kinds of new ingredients in our foods that weren’t in what we ate as kids. That’s why we need labels.

More than one million people like you have already contacted the FDA in support of labeling genetically engineered foods – and now we’re so close to a new milestone. Help ratchet up the pressure on the FDA by getting us to 1.2 million supporters by Mother’s Day.

Forward this short video loaded with data to some of the moms in your life. Urge them to sign Just Label It’s petition to the FDA before May 13.

Why moms? WHY NOT ALL PEOPLE TOO??? – S – Because what we want is simple: information to keep our kids healthy. YES BUT SO DOES EVERYONE!! That’s why so many of us pay attention to labels, and why I shared my story in this video filmed by the writer and director of Food, Inc. We have a right to know what we are feeding our kids, like moms in other countries already have. It’s a simple Mother’s Day request to the FDA: mandate labels for GMOs.

And the time is now. All kinds of changes are happening to our food supply: from meat fillers that we didn’t know were in there to a salmon that has been genetically engineered to produce growth hormones year-round that cause the fish to grow at twice its natural rate. We need more people to contact the FDA to demand the right to know what we are eating.

If more of us speak out this month, we’ll show the FDA that moms and others across America want to know how their food is produced. Please, watch this video, and then share it with at least one mom today.

Thank you for taking the time to do this. Together, we can affect remarkable change.

Robyn O’Brien
AllergyKids Foundation

We’re building a movement of concerned citizens – parents, health care workers, small business owners, farmers, and more – who care about what’s in the food we eat.

In October 2011, the Just Label It campaign was formed when the Center for Food Safety filed a petition with the Food & Drug Administration (FDA) to require the labeling of all foods produced using genetic engineering. Days later, we asked citizens from around the country to join us and tell the FDA to “Just Label It.” More than 1.1 million Americans have contacted to the FDA urging them to label genetically engineered foods. Ask others to sign on at www.JustLabelIt.org/takeaction.

Like us on Facebook | Follow us on Twitter | Learn more at www.JustLabelIt.org

Well!

May 1, 2012 in infertility | Leave a comment

A post with nothing to say except I have an appoint on the phone with Dr. Schoolcraft.  I didn’t even call him a wizard or a genius.  He is just a guy who right now is playing God with my embryos.  I mean, he would let me put both of these embryos back in and miscarry (likely as I struggled with one) but I can’t transfer one to a proven surrogate and one to me?  At roughly the same time?  Well, I’ve heard he proposed that exact scenario to another blogger who I watch and thanks to my last post, I can use it as ammunition…of course without naming names.  I mean – HE WON”T LET ME BUT OBVIOUSLY HAS OFFERED TO THIS EXACT SCENARIO BEFORE!  Rules were made to be broken.

I’m freakin broken every which way about this.  My birthday was a few weeks ago.  Great.  Now I’m 44. Can you imagine?  I am trying to have kids still and some of the people I went to high school are having grandkids.  I just have to block that out of my head.  I have 4 grandparents – 3 died at 90 and one is still kicking at 99.  My maternal grandmother.  A couple of wrinkles.  I kid you the hell not.  My mother? Same thing.  No wrinkles and she is close to 80.  She is walking around like she is 50.  I’m the one who takes 10 minutes to get out of bed.  wah wah wah.  Yeah, I know.

Well, I have a 5 year old who says that I am super cool and that he loves me more than infinity and,well, he seems to be certain that he will have a brother and a sister.  So we will throw the dice in the air and see what happens.  If he tells me no, I have to have a plan.  Where to move them?  

And I’m going on a gluten free diet – not to be all trendy but I’m not unconvinced that the additives in bread and the whole food chain in our country is screwed up.  I was talking to a lovely family with a child on the spectrum (high functioning) and they have no idea.  They do know one thing – when they take their child back to Turkey (the mother is from Turkey) he improves.  I can’t help but think it is diet related.  We are feeding cows corn.  They don’t eat corn in nature.  We are screwing our bodies up, their bodies.  I mean, why not just start eating couch cushion like that woman on television.  I watched that yesterday and it sent my mind realing.  She actually eats her couch…and her bra padding.  I sorta want to try it.  Don’t laugh – I want to understand what is so tasty about couch cushion (and now she is putting the couch cushion in dirt and then spreading pink hand lotion over it and eating it).  Heavens above.  

Then there was the guy who has two real life dolls – the ones you have errrr relations with?  OH BOY.  OH BOY OH BOY.

So I’ve been amusing myself while I wait for the next hurdle in one of many.  Please let this be.  I need to complete my family so I can be funny again.  I used to make jokes – not have to try pieces of couch cushion to get my kicks.  I used to write songs and now I wistfully watch as my friends get major cuts on records and love it and I miss it.  I just want to be me again – not infertile, habitual aborter of embryos.  It sucks but if you are here then chances are that you not only know that, but you live it.  Or you are one of my friends or family who want to know where we are in the process. 

The answer is that we are no where but moving quickly somewhere.  I hope it is colorado but if not then…..suggestions anyone?

Thank you to all who commented and gave me advice.  I love the support and I love giving it back.  If you need me, if you know someone who cannot afford IVF at all and needs meds – email me on that too. I have some gonal F that I want to donate.  Don’t think I’m going to be using it.

 

 

What do I say?

April 20, 2012 in infertility | 4 comments

And wouldn’t you just know it…CCRM has turned down my surrogate. The reasons were ridiculous (seriously). She has been a surrogate for one couple (one singleton and twins) as well as having given birth to her own children – five pregnancies total. This will be her last one. The twins (last year) were born close to 32 weeks. Her cervix was high, nothing wrong, her water just broke. The babies were in the NICU for like a week and half. Her first was a singleton – born on time or maybe a little late? They didn’t remove all of the placenta (the doctor) and so she had a bleed at 10 weeks after which required some blood. Those were the reasons that CCRM turned her down. Well guess the F what? She is my only option. For so many reasons. It has taken me A LOT to come to this conclusion. I struggled with it like you cannot believe and then just let my heart follow – and it led me to her. She has been an FB friend for awhile now. Friend of a fellow IFer. It is such a small world and seems like everyone knows someone who knows someone. Heck, one of my best IF buddiies is Carolyn Savage (if you haven’t read Inconceivable, it is a great book) – we are all in this together somehow.

So this latest news has been a real kick in my ass. I’m of course fighting it. I told the nurse who works on the surrogacy side of things that I wanted to do a dual transfer. One to me and one to her and she told me “he would never allow that”…I asked, “why”..he said, “well how can you be in both places, how will you take care of one child and go to get the other child”. Hmm…I have a car, a husband and I own a darned preschool – if you don’t think I have child care resources, you are nutty! So this is the thing – they are completely willing to let them transfer 2 to me knowing full well that I will likely miscarry one if not both but they won’t consider letting me transfer one to her and one to me – making it easier for both of us to carry one. Nope. They won’t do it.

So I am going to have one more conversation with Dr. Schoolcraft and then plan to haul my little behind out to Colorado and grab those embryos and bring them back to ATL where they will let me do what I damned well want to. I mean, come on.

Why is everything such a saga? and so we continue….flustered, annoyed and yet still determined.

L arginine

February 26, 2012 in infertility | 1 comment

Edited to add that I just read through some comments and saw that someone asked me to talk more about L Arginine. Well, I did simply because I saw that there was a search term and wanted to warn anyone about potential problems. That was just ME. It might help you out but I know that if you have lining issues there are studies that show tamoxifen can help and so can viagra. I’ll look for that information for anyone it can help and post later..

_____________________

So, as anyone who has read this blog knows, I have two healthy embryos in storage. I know their sexes (I can’t say how but I do – sex of a child means nothing, believe me – I’d be equally thrilled with a boy or a girl….but I do know that I have one of each on ice. It was a slip of the tongue, so to speak but I caught it). Enough of that. After my last lining got to around a 7 and change, I cancelled myself and flew home. I would not proceed without an 8 or even a 9 even if it was triple stripe. Always ask about your lining (exact measurements) and do not transfer if you aren’t at an 8. I know plenty of people get pregnant with thinner linings (like me – but it ended in sad news – for me that is -a normal female). Back to l arginine. I started taking it for a number of months. About three months ago I started having awful pains. Terrible pains. I had an upper GI and a colonoscopy and nothing. Then an ultrasound showed inflammation in my pancreas. I was scared out of my mind. I had a CAT scan and they found nothing. I stopped the L Arginine and Vitamin E….and the pain went away. I read quite a bit and it seems that l arginine can cause pancreatic inflammation. So I wanted to throw that out there as another thing to be aware. I’d do anything to be able to carry but not if it is going to further mess with my chances at surviving to mother my existing child and hopefully his sibling or siblings. I think I’ll blog more. I don’t really talk much about what is going on with our quest for a sibling. My husband and I don’t even really talk about it. I think we both feel backed into the corner with one last hope. If that fails, I don’t know what I will do. I seriously don’t and that is the worst thing of all. I’ve always had a plan. I just can’t emphasize enough – if you want to have a child, go to a great doctor. Don’t mess around with a smaller clinic with horrible stats. Go where they are having success. If I had gone to CCRM in 2008, I would not be writing this blog still. Or I would not be writing about the empty crib in our nursery. I’d be done. But I tooled around with local REs and here we are….live and learn. I could have gone to college, became an MD, bought all of the equipment to conduct my own invitro by now with the money we’ve spent (not to mention the money we are going to spend). I can’t even thing about it….thank God for credit unions.

Wow…

February 25, 2012 in infertility | Leave a comment

That was a lot of viewing today.  Where in the heck did everyone come from?  Did y’all subscribe?  Ha.  I wrote Y’all.  Shoot me.  

Still, I can’t believe so many people read my little update.  Only my mom an a few friends know about the surrogacy.  I guess many I should tell the others but I’m trying not to jinx it.  I’m still wondering if I should try to transfer one to me.  I still think I could do it if I could convince CCRM to give me tamoxifen.  Yes, that is what my former RE told me that he does for women who will not form a proper lining.  Sounds contrary to the goal if I know how tamoxifen works but he told me that trials have shown that it makes people bleed.  He told me that in one instance his patient went from having no more than a lining of 2mm to 10mm.  If this works, why can’t I have it?  Why should a pill come between me and the goal?  I have the IVIG waiting, I need to get it into my veins, that is it.  Oh I don’t know.  I just can’t make up my mind on this one. I’m terrified of the GS getting hurt (this would be her third set of twins).  She has kids of her own.  What if something awful happened to anyone?  I just don’t want to stress her.  Ok, two blogs for one day is enough.   Especially when one is so happy I sound like a fruitcake and the next I’m clearly unstable.

 

Call me tired.  Thanks for reading.  Now that I know you actually do read, I’ll post more…I have been reading about DNA fingerprinting which would make it possible to accurately predict which embryos are compatible with life.  The study I saw was 100 percent of the test group with DNA fingerprinting went on to have a child.  The other group, nobody got pregnant.  Of course this is a big business so don’t expect this to be starting at your local IVF clinic any time soon.  Hell, if I can find out how to do it and win the lottery (it would help if I played), I will open up a clinic with free DNA fingerprinting.  The cost for IVF will be the cost of materials and the doctor’s time – I bet that would be 3K a cycle…..max.

Stop the presses. That is if I have any readers left.

February 25, 2012 in CCRM, infertility, IVF, IVF # 9, Surrogacy | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 comment

I’m just terrible with this blog. I started it to get my feelings out while I travel down the lonely road of infertility. I have been waiting and watching as friends have babies, as they give birth, have sibling for their children and I remain stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Time is ticking. My periods have long since gone. Menopause? I’m not sure. I think my body just can’t ovulate. I’ve been under so much pressure and I don’t take good care of myself. I forget to eat. Sometimes I don’t know what day it is. I started a preschool. I might have mentioned that but….it was the hardest thing I ever did but also I have never been happier. I have kids who give me hugs, who love me and the love flows right back. I’ve been so happy lately even though I work very hard and have little time for me. I was sitting in the Inverness Hotel in 2009, reading a book about the importance of education in the first five years of life. I glanced from my 3000 dollars of meds, to the syringe I just used to make my follicles grow, back to the book and then came the idea. A preschool. If I have one child…well, at least I’ll know what he is learning AND I will have dozens of children to love. So I am very happy but also the big fat void remains. The siblings on ice. The would be siblings except, my womb is over it. I can’t get it to grow. I have not tried again but I know. I’ve been friends (randomly) with a woman who has been a surrogate in the past. We started talking and one day I thought….well, why don’t I ask her. To my utter delight she agreed to be my surrogate. I cannot tell you what a dream come true this is for me. She is without a doubt a thoughtful, caring and loving person but get this, she wants to be a part of my child’s life. An Auntie for lack of a better word. That is just the icing on the cake. I would so love to share my child with a sister but sadly I have only a brother. He loves my son but there is nothing like an aunt that just loves you to pieces. I am one of those types of Aunties and, well, I just hope she will love my son as much. Hold on, no baby yet but we are hoping that this is what my embryos need. A womb that is proven to give life unlike mine. I say this without a hint of sadness. The only thing I worry about is that she will somehow be harmed by the process. If both were to take I would worry about her carrying twins, the burden on her and her family. So I may try to see if my uterus will grow enough to have a double transfer of the embryos. The higher quality for her and the lesser quality for me. Schoolcraft suggested that I transfer both to her and told me “why waste one”….as if he knows that I can’t carry another child. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn. We are in the middle of waiting for his approval. So that is the news. I feel happy, worried, stressed…but somewhat relieved that there is a plan and we have the right person on the team. I don’t think there could be a better person to carry my child (ren) than this woman…she really cares and I know would do the right thing. She is ethical, honest, caring, devoted and I think I could learn a thing or two about organization from her. And I love her already. She gave me hope again. For that I owe her so much already…

To be continued!

Sidelined (I benched myself!). Thin lining.

June 28, 2011 in infertility | Leave a comment

I left you all hanging! So sorry!!!! My lining grew to a measly 7 mm. Triple stripe. Doctor suggested I move forward but I canceled. I’m now going to try again in September. I spoke to my old RE who suggested tamoxifen to help build uterine linings (I cannot believe this is happening but may explain why I keep miscarrying). I’m a little surprised that I was told to go ahead with a thin lining. My new nurse encouraged me to trust the doctor but it wasn’t Schoolcraft on duty so I just decided to trust my gut. My old nurse, when I went in to tell her my feelings that I should not proceed with a thin lining, told me that she agreed and that she thinks I can do better.

So there you go. The truth is, I’m in no shape to be pregnant. Too much stress and even though it has nothing to do with getting pregnant, it does have something to do with staying pregnant. I’ve started taking Vitamin E and L-arginine as there is study that shows improvement with linings and addition of these supplements (and vaginal viagra but the doctor won’t give it to me). I’m going to ask about tamoxifen….we’ll see. I also started B complex and noticed an immediate change to my anxiety (especially morning anxiety – can you imagine waking up at 6:30am and feeling like you need a xanax…it isn’t fun).

Thanks for checking in on me and I appreciate the comments and notes. I wish life was a bit easier but it just isn’t.

I encourage anyone who is going through IF to always trust your gut, research until your eyes hurt and know your body. Do not put your faith and trust in any doctor as YOU know your body best and if you don’t – get to know it. That is the best advice I could give anyone and wish I knew this ten years ago.

Transfer time

June 1, 2011 in infertility | 1 comment

Lining close to 8 and growing. CCRM seem to be the master of dropping balls these days. Hello? Toooooo big. Big money maker, eh? Well doctors, this is my last shot so you better hope you give me some attention. I cannot believe the number of times my new nurse has lost my annual or couldn’t find one if the 500 consents I sign and fax as a part time job. I want this over as much as I want it to work for a number of reasons. A is adamant that he will have a brother and a sister. He even got the name right…snake we have not uttered since he was in utero.

So I am going to be poked and prodded and try not to think about work. Sorry I’m a shitty blogger but I truly found something that makes my life complete even if I have Alex and done. Now I have hugs from kids each day…they think I am cool because I am the “principal” and I think they are the most beautiful creatures I’ve ever met. I’ll keep you post…either way, here on out we talk happy. I’m willing to make a lot of changes to get there. I’m armed with IGG, dexamethazone and more to keep my body from going into the den of destruction.

I also bought the six day early result but may bug CCRM to do an early blood test. Oi.

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