Bad blogger alert

Yep, that is ME! I let this blog sit doing nothing for an entire year. What a complete and utter waste.

I have plenty of things to talk about but at the moment they have little to do with making babies (I’ve put that in the deep recesses of my mind while I work on my nutritional profile – more on that later).

Life has taken a few twists and turns and my fate, and the fate of my embryos rests on things that are completely out of my control. I am going to have an update soon so if you pray, put me on your list, please. To say that the past year has been difficult is beyond the scope and meaning of the word. I am surprised by my resilience but then again, what woman in the face of adversity doesn’t normally kick ass? Well, mostly. Sorry for being vague – even some things are just too personal to share with strangers (I mean, fellow sisters in procreation!).

My son broke my heart into a million fragments the other day. We were having dinner alfresco (as we do) and he says “Can you please tell Ms. Chris that I have a baby brother who just got born?”. He had that sheepish, awkward look of a boy who told a fib and felt bad about it but didn’t want to be caught. I told him that I couldn’t lie like that and he literally BEGGED me. Ms. Chris is his long time babysitter and he apparently told her that I had a baby. SO, the next day MS. Chris’s sister (her sister is the cook at my preschool) comes to my office to ask about the new baby, Jack. I didn’t know whether to cry or to laugh hysterically so I did the latter. Gosh, this kid wants a brother or sister so badly that he is making them up.

I went to see a medium. I know. Desperate. I sat down and she said, “you’ve had six miscarriages”. I was a big floored because I think that she is right (it is either six or seven and I am pretty sure it is six). She couldn’t have known, she only had my first name. She told me that I was doing something different with education and that I needed to keep on going, keep doing it because it is the way things are supposed to be. A few friends visited and my grandmother. The details were so specific that there was NO way that it wasn’t real. She told me that I would have another child – a boy. She told me that I was not meant to have girls and that my maternal grandmother was proud of me for breaking the cycle (which means something to me – more on that later). It was a positive interaction. At the end I asked her how I was going to get pregnant and keep a baby and she told me “you are going to make it happen with pure intention”. I thought about it. She then said, “you have far greater powers than I do when it comes to making things happen by creating what you want with razor sharp intention”. So I’m holding on to what she said and believing in her words and my power of intention. I do believe that we create our reality and I do believe that you can literally do just about anything that you want to do in this life. So, if the aforementioned struggles can resolve, I will intend my son, now frozen in time, to join us. I still hope she was confused and meant to say that I’ll have boy/girls twins. Oh the greed! I need to just hope for anything. Being sad about it all the time does me no good but for now, I have all the emotions locked up in a little box in the deep recesses of my brain until I know which way my compass is pointing.

I promise to write more newsy blogs about infertility because I have a very strong opinion about diet and the ability to conceive. I want to write more but for now, please go out there and get your dose of vitamin D and make sure you are not iodine deficient.

Love to all my fellow infertile warriors – don’t give up, keep on keeping on. Anything is possible, I promise.

XO

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Quick post

I’ve been busy (my normal excuse) but I am now determined to not let life control me but start controlling my life. Sooooo, we are pretty much deciding that I am going to transfer to me and see what happens. We cannot do the GC thing and I need to get this resolved. I really should have just transferred two years ago when the lining with 7 and triple striped. So back to acupuncture, continue along same low carb diet with healthy fats and try to get my uterus to agree. My son is just crushing me with the pleas for a sibling so I am going to give it my best shot and see what happens. These 500 buck storage fees are killing me, too. I did recently go to an alternative MD who was amazing. She took a ton of blood (20 mins worth!) and I was sick for two days after. Hello anemia? She found that I have an iodine deficiency (you can take a little and dab it on your wrist – if the mark disappears within two hours (some say six) you are deficient. You can easily fix that with a bit of Nori (throw in an avocado and some tuna or sardines and you have an easy and healthy lunch). Whatever you do, get your vitamin and nutrient profile especially if you are prone to miscarriage. Thyroid, lack of Vitamin D (which acts more like a hormone than a vitamin in that is affects just about everything you do) and other essential nutrients can cause problems so make sure you have crossed that off your list – and dig deep. Go to a rheumatologist for a thyroid check (Quest isn’t good enough for some of these tests – you need a more sensitive lab). I’ll be back with more news.

Finally – if you have a septum, GET IT REMOVED. I recently read a study that indicated an 80% failure rate for implantation when a septum is present. That piece of info was significant for me because (depending on the doctor) I have one. CCRM went in to look and does not see it but now I’m scared. I will cross that scary bridge when I come to it (and so should you). Ask for every test – beta integrin, you name it. YOU are in charge of your life and don’t leave this all up to the experts. They have 130 patients at any one time – do not expect them to remember ever little detail about your body (that is your job). Now go get googling…..I wonder if google would give me a fertility degree? I’m not up on the latest acai studies but it only takes a day or two? Oh, like I need another job. Hope you are all well and that success is knocking on your door!

It has been awhile…

I keep forgetting that I have this blog (not really).  It is just another reminder that I have work to do and a decision to face.  We had a minor cancer scare this week which was nothing (thankfully!) and I am now looking at a June transfer.  I am turning 46 and if I do not use the embryos this year I think it would be wrong for me to do this to potential children and my family.  I know everyone has different perspectives and what works for one person wouldn’t work for me.  So this is it.  I am going to put back all I have and hope that with my new health regime (ahem, my new as in PLANNED but unrealized) plus a little Viagra to get the lining to grow will help.  The female version just went over the counter in France.  More on that for another post.

I’m just writing to say that no, I have not done anything other than think about scheduling an appointment with Dr. Schoolcraft but that I am going to.  No surrogate, just me.  This is pretty scary as I am one heck of a stress machine but it is time for me to stop making excuses and use the embryos I worked so hard to create over four years ago.  Imagine all that time on ice.  If this works I will believe in miracles – well, I guess I do today because I can stop worrying about losing my husband.  It as all nothing. 

Failed cycles? Plenty of eggs but crappy results? I bet I know why…

I wish I had written this a long, long time ago but it took a friend cycling to make me realize how important the following information will be for those of you going through IVF, IUI….  Do not ever let your follicles get too big.  My former RE likes to trigger when the cohort (most of the eggs) are measuring 17.  The simple fact is that eggs (especially older eggs) often will not have great outcomes if they get much larger than 22.  Heck, even 20.  If you are doing an IVF cycle and you notice that most of your eggs are in the 18 or 19 range then you should have triggered…plain and simple.  Do the research and see what happens when your follicles get too big…  

When in doubt you need to question.  Try a low dose cycle for the heck of it (you can always convert to an IUI).  I find it interesting that I produced the same amount of eggs on 300 menopur/300 follistim as I did with a 150 menopur/150 follistim – sometimes more isn’t better…in fact, sometimes more is not good at all.  Just a little PSA.

Let me know if any of you have had bad results with large follicles (or the reverse and don’t forget your age!).  Good luck to everyone trying….

Recap: Chat with the nurse

Ever notice you get more out of a conversation with nurses than doctors?  At least I do.  I am the kind of person that needs to know everything if it affects my life (from my low vitamin D to IVF to what my son is going to need to succeed in math).  I think they call people like me Google doctors (I’m getting old, there could be another word).  How I lived 30 of my 45 years without google is amazing.  I’m prone to tangents so will not digress…  Digression free posting.

Onward.  So, I called to schedule a chat about a February or March transfer.  I discussed switching to Dr. G simply because I find it hard to cope with Dr. Schoolcraft’s moods (one time he is amazingly supportive and the next I might as well give up).  I know he has a lot on his plate and when he is friendly, I worship him but I don’t know if he understands how one little flippant remark can ruin (at least me) a person for a week??  I read into everything he says.  The nurse told me that there would be a bunch of paperwork and blah, blah, blah to go through and…let’s be honest, I came to CCRM for him.  So I am putting on my big girl panties and will just try to be bulletproof when we have a regroup.  I have already made an arrangement to receive IVig one week before transfer (if my lining looks good) so will be flying back and forth to NYC/Denver a little bit (I’m sure that will help with the relaxation!). I’ve been doing a lot of reading about early miscarriage and implantation failure (thank you for the book, Dr. Jonathan Scher and my kindle).  If you have normal embryos and failure to get pregnant it might just be your immune system.  Oh how I wish CCRM would take that on board and at least TRY it.  So, I’ll be doing what I need to do to make this work with my body.  I have to be honest, I’m terrified on so many levels.

Terrified that it works and I fail these embryos who already have names (that is how confident I need to be) and I save their google email addresses (yes, officially crazy but times are changing!).  I hold on to little signs that it will work but then think about the state of this world, our divisions and greediness and failure to remember the past and learn from it.  I wonder if I am bringing in potentially two children to a world that won’t be able to sustain them.  I think about them suffering or with no home.  I wonder if I am being selfish.  I am also terrified that it won’t happen and that my son’s one wish in life to have a sibling will be over, kaput.  I worry about a lot of things and about people I don’t even know and children who don’t even belong to me.

My son just walked in the room and announced that he is going to be a plumber when he gets older.  Now do you see why I worry?  Well, it is better than a soldier (that was yesterday’s occupation).

I digress.

Starting….to wonder

I came across a piece of paper the other day that was supposed to have been submitted to my accountant. On it was a variety of high ticket items (4k for the pharmacy), 23K for an IVF in NYC, 300 shipping to CCRM (no normals, by the way from that one), 2 x 19,000 for the CGH cycles at CCRM and travel costs (just a few of the examples of what it has cost us financially – not to mention personally – in the attempt to have a sibling for our son). Thanks to a few great companies (both investment banks, by the way who were generous with their benefits) the cost was lessened for our other 8 tries. I believe that, when all is said and done, we have spent well over 200 grand trying to have what normal people do in bed. I feel guilty about it most of the time (hence the relentless work pace and commitment to make up for what I likely deem my failing). Thinking too much. I know it isn’t MY failure but what is it? As I ponder potentially holding one or two children inside my womb at the age of 45 I am faced with a number of really important questions. Such as, will I live long enough to see them graduate from college or even high school for that matter? Will we have enough money to support them and ensure that they are taken care of if one of us isn’t here anymore? Will I be putting their lives at risk and my own? Am I ready to do all of this again? And then I have a little boy who so desperately wants a sibling…..he laments on almost a daily basis. Little comments about how unfair it is that Michael Jackson (his new idol) had three children when he doesn’t even have one. Every comment is a little stab to my heart. I had a long talk with him – a very graphic conversation in which I explained how he we had a difficult time making babies and needed a doctor, about my miscarriage and that I have tried. I also went over the exact process of HOW a child is made (with photos) and he was very interested. I know that sounds a bit premature for a six year/almost seven year old and people have told me that it was a mistake but I disagree. Never will he have that “talk” or he discover it through school yard chit chat (as I did – to my horror “your daddy puts his thing into your mommy’s pee hole – needless to say I was disgusted, afraid of the idea for myself one day and confused). It isn’t a big deal to him and that is what I want, for him to understand that this is a normal and natural process (well, not so much for us but there you go).

So I have been thinking, and reading and wondering if I am the one who should be carrying these embryos. I have one possible person to carry and she is someone who currently works at my preschool. I could help care for her and be there for her every day. I would also miss out on the opportunity to carry my own child….my body also MIGHT kill my child with its ridiculous immune problem. So I made an appointment to see my old doctor. We don’t have a load of cash and I am running out of time but I am determined to use those embryos and give my son, my family and them a chance. I didn’t come this far to give up. I think of them all the time, what they would look like, how they would get on with their brother.

I am also sick. I am not sure what it is but my fingernails tell me. The smoothie revolution continued from last blog until about three weeks ago when we went to England and ate just about everything I never eat (meat, croissant with chocolate, cheese, cheese and more cheese). I have been at my best weight since high school for months. More on that later because I know that people will want to know how I did it. It is amazing. I feel like I reset my body for good. I had a glass of milk the other day – er with my tea and the only thing I could taste was the grass from the cow’s milk. UDDERLY disgusting. I much prefer soy but I think I need to give that up if I am going to do a January transfer.

I have an appointment with my former RE to ask him to manage my autoimmune issues. Blood work came back with elevated APA (blood clotting) and my fingernails are pitting (autoimmune). I cannot chance this not working so we are going to talk intralipid, IVig (at 3K a pop, god help me), prednisone and more. CCRM doesn’t believe in any of it but they do and I know I wouldn’t have Alex without the IVig.

If you have recurrent miscarriage – consider changing your diet and getting off the processed food chain as much as possible. I’m not going to go on a diatribe about GMOs right now.

Not much to report right now but lots more soon.

By the way, most of my family tree has longevity in it. Everyone lived into their 90s. I expect the same to happen over here so I’m going with that for now. I’ll at least get to see him or her or them until I am my age (unless I live as long as my grandmother – she died last year at 99).

I just hope they don’t put me in a home and forget to visit. ;)